He certainly has the most awful aim ever. Here’s Pr Daniel Nalliah (I think the “Pr” is short for “Prat”) finding a reason for the current terrible floods in Queensland, Australia: Kevin Rudd has been insufficiently zealous in his support for Israel, and Rudd is originally from Queensland, so God is making it rain great buckets in Queensland to send him a message.

It’s a rather opaque message, O Lord, and it seems to be causing far more suffering to other people, rather than Rudd. Wouldn’t it have been far more effective and efficient if, say, the Lord God Almighty made the plumbing in Rudd’s upstairs bathroom overflow? I should think it far more persuasive that something mysterious and ominous was going on if every time Rudd flushed, he ended up with a gusher of feces and urine on his shoes. Taking aim at the whole of Queensland is just a bit sloppy.

By the way, the Prat has conversations with his god.

Also the Lord said to us, “I will humble Australia and bring her down on her knees. As she has taken pride in my blessing, and man has taken the glory and not given it to Me”.

I don’t believe it. As everyone knows, Australia isn’t mentioned in the Bible, not even once, so the place probably doesn’t even exist.

Let’s not just pick on Australia, though — America isn’t in the Bible either, which is strange given that the United States is God’s Chosen Nation. But this god is also mad at us, because he has also cursed us with Fred Phelps decided to kill our birds. There have been a couple of cases of large flocks of birds dying, and now Cindy Jacobs has discovered the reason: because we repealed the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy that punished gay service men and women.

Again, I don’t quite get the logic. God hates gays, so he’s taken to randomly smiting birds in Arkansas. What’s the sense in that? Were these gay birds? Were they wagging their cloacas heavenward and bragging in bird song about coming out? It’s a confusing message that really doesn’t come across well.

If this god really wanted to communicate the idea that gay sex is bad, and somehow do it using birds, it would have made more sense to, say, have birds smash through windows and throw themselves across any orifice about to be penetrated by a gay man. That would shake people up.

And don’t do it in Arkansas — try New York and San Francisco. Birds dropping dead in Arkansas is more likely to be interpreted as a sign of offense at NASCAR or country music or committing incest while barefoot with a corncob pipe in one’s mouth (I know, it’s an unfair stereotype, but you know god doesn’t seem to be operating on the basis of individual behavior, any way).