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God speaks up

At first, I was a bit put off by the awesome hubris of someone filing an amicus brief on behalf of god, especially since it was a brief in favor of California’s proposition 8. Who would have the gall to declare that they speak for a deity, and use that false authority to promote intolerance and hatred? Oh, wait … that’s rather common, actually.

But then I read further, and discovered that this was something special. The author isn’t just speaking for god, she is god!

I solemnly declare that I am both fully God and fully human in nature, and currently I am on earth dwelling among the human race. My fully God nature is Messiah’s sibling in the Holy Trinity’s family. I am the third Person and youngest person in the Almighty Eternal Creator’s family. I currently reside on earth and I am the sole heiress of the Almighty Eternal Creator. My declaration is based on the Genuine Holy Bible, especially the Gospel of John and the Book of Revelations that are full of revelations regarding the truth of my identity and my authority over humans on earth, given to me by the Master of the Universe, who is Almighty Eternal Creator!

Well, that’s all right then. I guess D. Q. Mariette Do-Nguyen does have the authority to file.

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Comments

  3. Raelyf says

    As a show of my devotion to this God-on-Earth, I hereby offer my services as elementary writing instructor.

  8. Celtic_Evolution says

    Right now Bill Donahue is somewhere sitting in a chair, depressed, scowling, and thinking “Dammit… why didn’t I think of that?”.

  9. says

    Hey, wasn’t someone bringing a suit against this god person a little while ago? And one that was thrown out for want of ability to get them to show up in court? Seems to me maybe the alleged deity that sent the above missive should be subpoenaed in that matter, now, if they’ve been good enough to include a return address where they may be reached.

  10. says

    Sure is funny how “God ordered each and all marriages [sic] to be between one man and one woman”. Gosh, I guess Solomon missed that one. And others – I’m no bible student, help me out here.

  11. RedGreenInBlue says

    Spake the Divine Queen Mariette Do-Nguyen™ thus:

    and I am the sole heiress of the Almighty Eternal Creator.

    I think she’s going to be waiting a while for her inheritance!

  13. CJO says

    You’d think God could get the title of the last book in the New Testament right, but I suppose s/he’s got a lot on his/her mind these days, what with six billion sets of genitals to obsess over all the time.

  14. ThirtyFiveUp says

    #5 N of RH; Waders for all, please.

    From D. Q. Mariette Do-Nguyen’s webpage.

    “If a person ate spiritual foods from the devil channel, he mind and natural body are ruling by the devil supernatural, everything he does benefit destruction, including things that look good and nice to human natural eyes also cause destruction at the end.”

    #7 aratina; Yes, finally a god we can believe in.

  15. Quiet_Desperation says

    Update: For those not in California, the state Supreme Court has agreed to hear the suits against Prop 8 without making them go through lower courts first. Seems there is a precedent for this involving important cases.

  17. says

    But look, she doesn’t believe that we were made from the dust of the Earth… and as God, she’d know, right? This from her church website:

    The theory of monkeys to human natural bodies is incorrect, because monkeys have long arms and long tails. Humans first changed to monkeys and then to bears. In order for species to evolve into human natural bodies, God changed the souls’ creation formula from long arms and tails to shorter arms and tails, and He changed from monkey souls to bear souls before having souls evolve into human souls. Bears evolve into human natural bodies. In addition, the theory of sea creatures evolving into human natural bodies is totally incorrect. Sea creatures must remain under water.

    With that kind of logic and evidence, she’s gotta win any court case, right?

  19. Holbach says

    Oh mother of mercy, let’s hope god will prove her powers and come on here to absorb the worst we can offer. Of course if shegod cannot bear the brunt of what we will happily offer, what other god can she call for assistance to smite the rational heathen? Come on god, let’s get it on!

  20. brian says

    if she were really based on the bible she would know it’s not “revelations” but “revelation.” singular, not pluaral.

  21. says

    No, really, I don’t mean to prod
    I just find it impossibly odd
    After all of the shame
    That’s been heaped on Your name
    That You’d want to admit that You’re God!

  23. jay says

    An old Japanese proverb says, “If you meet God (sometimes Buddha) on the road, kill him.”

    The thinking is that a true god won’t be killed, or even much offended. And if you don’t do the test, you’ll never know if this god is the real thing or not.

  24. Josh West says

    I’ve known lots that claimed to be godly, even a few that considered themselves to be god-like, but never anyone that thought they WERE God.

  26. says

    You missed the most entirely awesome part, PZ:

    The theory of monkeys to human natural bodies is incorrect, because monkeys have long arms and long tails. Humans first changed to monkeys and then to bears. In order for species to evolve into human natural bodies, God changed the souls’ creation formula from long arms and tails to shorter arms and tails, and He changed from monkey souls to bear souls before having souls evolve into human souls. Bears evolve into human natural bodies.

    That’s crazy I can believe in!

  28. mds says

    An old Japanese proverb says, “If you meet God (sometimes Buddha) on the road, kill him.”
    The thinking is that a true god won’t be killed, or even much offended. And if you don’t do the test, you’ll never know if this god is the real thing or not.

    The interpretation that I’d heard was that you shouldn’t let yourself be defined by an external entity, no matter how good or powerful it may be. If attachment causes suffering, then attachment to the Buddha will cause suffering as well, so you should take the opportunity to sever your attachment.

  31. raven says

    This woman can’t possibly be god. Everyone (in the Unification church anyway) knows god is a divorced, weird, ex-con Korean named reverend Sun Myung Moon.

    Moon claims to be jesus the second.

    And what about L. Ron Hubbard? So many gods running around on earth these days that one needs a flow chart to keep up with them.

  34. MickyW says

    I’ve heard of people suing God, and now someone (a family member, evidently), is suing on his behalf.
    Can we get a jurist somewhere to summons God, and see if he shows up? Has he ever been called as a witness? People are always representing him, but the man himself never appears. You could serve the summons to a “representative” at his last known address (pick any church) and wait and see what happens.

  36. the pro from dover says

    Her theory of evolution is just awesome! How stupid of me not to have thought of it first. How silly of Darwin to think that bears could have evolved into whales by swimming on the surface with their mouths open when the bear to human connection was as clear as the icewater being poured all over his shivering body.

  37. says

    #35: that’s EXACTLY why we need some new gods for Faith Fighter 2! He already beat the old ones, and now there’s this woman claiming to be his daughter, and we can toss in a few others and see if he can keep his winning streak going.

  38. says

    Before everyone gets too excited, I checked with Gawd over at my… er, His website and He’s never heard of the woman.
    On the other hand, He has admitted to a number of illegitimate children, so maybe she should stump for a paternity test.

  39. Holydust says

    Don’t give this sad bitch any more attention.

    I don’t know why crazy people with delusions of grandeur naturally anger me whereas other crazy people just get my pity. What is that? No matter how much I try, I still get angry at them. It’s like, “the audacity!” even though I know they’re just as batshit as the nice man on the bus who waves imaginary motes out of my face so that they don’t bother me.

    Seriously, though; don’t even give her 15 minutes.

  40. ggab says

    “D. Q. Mariette Do-Nguyen”
    God is an asian woman?
    That makes my masturbatory fantasies even dirtier.
    I like it.

  44. ThinkingApe says

    Wait….I thought I was third and youngest person in the Almighty Eternal Creator’s family…..?

  45. Chris A. says

    Well we cannot prove that she is NOT god, so to avoid hell we should make the safe bet and just believe her.

  47. Nick Gotts says

    Third and youngest person in the Almighty Eternal Creator’s family? Hardly an original claim: Hong Xiuquan claimed much the same in the 1840s (he was Jesus Christ’s younger brother, you know). The war he started (the Taiping rebellion) resulted in around 20,000,000 deaths. I think someone should be keeping a very close eye on Ms. D. Q. Mariette Do-Nguyen!

  48. Vidar says

    Did she say that she is a sibling of the “Master of the Universe”?
    Wow, she must be She-ra, sister of He-man and Princess of Power! Awesomepants!

  49. says

    If she’s the third person in the Trinity, what happened to the Holy Spirit? Did he get kicked out? Or is it actually a Quaternity (or whatever the term would be)?

    And I love the bear-to-human evolutionary “theory”

  50. Brad D says

    Aghh! She’s here in San Diego! Or maybe since she’s God and all, the address on the amicus brief will appear different to everyone that reads it?

  51. MikeM says

    Wow, that’s a couple boatloads of crazy right there.

    Believing in spirit worlds leads to this kind of stuff.

    “In the name of the father, the son, the holy ghost, and Mariette. Amen.”

  52. 'Tis Himself says

    Stolen from somewhere on the interweb:

    I am so glad that Henry VIII and his wife, Catherine of Aragon, and his wife, Anne Boleyn, and his wife, Jane Seymour, and his wife, Anne of Cleves, and his wife, Katherine Howard, and his wife, Catherine Parr, are not alive to see this assault on traditional marriage.

  53. Jeanette says

    @25, Lowell posted an Amazon link; she has six books listed on there, and some biographical stuff that hints at mental problems and a history of sending nutty letters to politicians.

    It’s not entirely hilarious when you realize that there is some untreated mental illness going on there, and you never know what people might do. Jim Jones thought he was god, too.

    Also, we don’t know if this “church” of hers is just her, or her and a few other adult nuts, or if this is a cult that may include children. I hope that Child Protective Services in California knows the answer to that question.

  55. Nick Gotts says

    And I love the bear-to-human evolutionary “theory” – Paper Hand

    Presumably the evolutionary intermediates were barely human?

  57. Grendels Dad says

    Suppose this god person does receive a subpoena, is there a special legal term for the extradition of a deity? Extradimensiondition?

  60. Arnosium Upinarum says

    Actually, I used to be a bit puzzled why such declarations aren’t tremendously more commonplace.

    Per capita, they were, once upon a time.

    I’ve attributed the drastic decline in such claims to the modern recognition that all the schizophrenic ones can all be thrown out. So what makes THIS character so special as to pass under that radar? She’s NOT?

  63. says

    #10 Tualha, well obviously Solomon had several marriages which were each between one man and one woman… Lawyering ain’t new, ya know… ;)

  64. Allen N says

    But …we’ve bearly started with this unbearable series…

    She does have one thing going for her – the 2nd amendment. You know, we all have the right to bear arms. Can bear souls be far behind?

  65. Jeanette says

    Allen N: She does have one thing going for her – the 2nd amendment. You know, we all have the right to bear arms. Can bear souls be far behind?

    I laughed SO hard.

  66. says

    One thing I don’t quite understand:

    I read the passages in question (from Genesis, Exh 1-A in that document) and it doesn’t seem conclusive to me that the passage specifically prohibits anything about gay marriage.

    It says that God created female for males, and that they should multiple and subdue the earth. I would say that we have successfully done both. We are the most dominant species on the planet (although we are clearly outnumbered by the microbes that exist in any one of us). Viewed from the perspective of the population: we are doing exactly what that dictates.

    Legally recognizing a Civil Union between Gays / Lesbians would hardly be abdicating that directive — there are still plenty of us left over to fruitfully multiply. If anything, I’d say we should DECREASE the rate at which we are multiplying, lest we have no earth left to subdue!

    I, for one, have one child and one on the way — I have no plans or desires to “switch teams” so to speak; I know plenty of other people that have 2 or more kids and are similarly heterosexual. So why should it matter if a very small minority of the population wants to be a little different — haven’t we, as a world-dominant-population — earned it?

    (I also like how they have re-interpreted Leviticus to prohibit same-sex relations, when earlier translations clearly indicated prostitutes)

  70. says

    Frankly speaking, I find nothing wrong in that statement. I sincerely believe we all are disturbances (electromagnetic, quantum, gravitational and other types) in the cosmic fabric. If string theory is to be believed, then even individual quarks, so far thought indivisible, are made of vibrating strings. That way, everything (this universe and beyond) are so confluent; essentially merging with ‘The Almighty’. You do mass-energy conversion, we are all energies. I may sound ‘peudoscientific’ or wistful; but a cosmic identity to me is possible, and that too, not bypassing science.

  72. Sili says

    Not to piss on anyone’s parade, but I think you’ve read that in reverse.

    She’s claiming the descent is human -> ape -> bear, not the other way around. Just like that crazy guy who thinks all languages are descended from English. (Can’t find the link to LanguageHat at the moment, since I’m slagging off at work.)

  73. says

    Not to piss on anyone’s parade, but I think you’ve read that in reverse. She’s claiming the descent is human -> ape -> bear, not the other way around.

    To be fair, Sili, I think she’s claiming both.

    Here’s where I think she’s in agreement with what you say:

    Humans first changed to monkeys and then to bears.

    but here, I think she changes direction (cf. “before”):

    In order for species to evolve into human natural bodies, God changed the souls’ creation formula from long arms and tails to shorter arms and tails, and He changed from monkey souls to bear souls before having souls evolve into human souls. Bears evolve into human natural bodies.

    (And I may have called *her* exposition “crazy” above, but I’m the one who got up at 0:dark-30 Pacific Time to work on a journal paper, but instead am analyzing her word salad for directionality, after all…who’s the crasy one NOW, huh?)

  75. Rrr says

    @thalarctos: Welcome to the salad tossing. (Note; in my mother tongue, “tossing” means “crazy, though rather harmless, person”.) Oh, I guess there should have been another comma in there, but I’m commatoss’in’ so never mind.

  76. says

    Readers lacked of understand fully God and fully human, because they are not fully God and fully human.

    Anyone sin against the Holy Spirit/God, their sin will not be foregive!

  77. says

    Readers lacked of understand fully God and fully human, because they are not fully God and fully human.

    Anyone sin against the Holy Spirit/God, their sin will not be foregive!

  78. Rey Fox says

    You better hope that God “foregives” you for your sins against web design and the English language.

  79. Nick Gotts says

    Hey, we have Ms. D. Q. Mariette Do-Nguyen-Whackdoodle herself contributing@76,77. Deeply honoured I’m sure, Your Sublime Ludicrousness – but why the double post? I know it couldn’t possibly have a mistake, but the symbolic significance escapes me.