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Jan 08 2014

Aren’t Canadians just adorable?

Paul Hellyer was the Canadian Minister of Defence in the 1960s, and I now think he’s one of the reasons we’ve haven’t been worrying about Canadian Panzers rolling southward to crush the United States beneath their very polite bootheels. He explains what he really, really believes.

There are about 80 alien species visiting the earth through a portal in the Andes, and some of them look like people from Denmark and have been disguised as nuns (I KNEW IT!). The astronomers will be thrilled to learn that there is a new planet orbiting Saturn called Andromedia.

One thing: never play poker with the woman presenter of this show. She maintains an absolutely straight face throughout the interview. Of course, Paul Hellyer is saying the most ridiculous things in a dead serious tone, too.

Maybe Canadians are actually kind of creepy.

69 comments

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  1. 1
    PZ Myers

    Oh, wait. The woman is interviewing him from Moscow. RUSSIANS AND CANADIANS ARE COLLUDING TO DESTROY US AT THE POKER TABLE!

  2. 2
    birgerjohansson

    This is an ……unusual explanation to the Fermi paradox.

  3. 3
    birgerjohansson

    Now I know why the spoken Danish language is so hard to comprehend for us Swedes. They use a language more suitable for being pronounced by a mouth with mandibles.

  4. 4
    dianne

    There are about 80 alien species visiting the earth through a portal in the Andes, and some of them look like people from Denmark and have been disguised as nuns

    This fits in disturbingly well with a story I made up to amuse my daughter during a long trip the other day in which a Danish-Canadian coalition was planning to invade Minnesota. Unfortunately, they were too polite to actually invade and the Minnesotans were too polite to say outright that they didn’t want to be invaded (after the Canadians had gone through all the trouble to fit their tanks out with cold weather gear and all), and everyone was standing around feeling awkward about the situation when the aliens arrived. Clearly I’m psychic.Well, apart from missing the bit about the nuns.

  5. 5
    Stevie C

    For fun, I like to watch a creepy adorable canadian on youtube named Darin Crapo. His twice weekly UFO Planet is right up the General’s alley. The comment section is a smorgasbord of paranoia, woo and conspiracy.

  6. 6
    Cuttlefish

    Heh… the husband of a friend of mine studied under a guy who took early retirement from his tenured university job to join a place that… reverse engineers technology from spacecraft.

    http://www.spiritofmaat.com/archive/mar3/loder.htm

    I never knew that the B-2 bomber had alien antigravity technology, but they can’t put it on the internet unless it’s true.

  7. 7
    Rob Grigjanis

    Wow, that’s almost as bizarre as what routinely comes from the mouths of 50% of US politicians. Rather more benign though.

  8. 8
    dianne

    a new planet orbiting Saturn called Andromedia.

    Wouldn’t an object orbiting the planet Saturn be known as a “moon”?

  9. 9
    Thumper: Who Presents Boxes Which Are Not Opened

    Jesus. 8 and 1/2 minutes in, and that’s quite enough of that, thanks.

    What annoys me most about ET enthusiasts is their persistent abuse of the term “UFO”. It means “Unidentified Flying Object”. It does not mean “Alien Spacecraft”. What you saw, and outright admitted to seeing, was a flying object you could not identify. It could be literally anything, so why assume it’s a fucking spacecraft of extra-terrestrial origin?

  10. 10
    kevinalexander

    He’s ninety years old. Maybe the aliums haves a ray that causes senile dementia.

  11. 11
    jba55

    Isn’t that the plot of a Niven/Pournelle book?

  12. 12
    Icaarus

    It’s good to know what it takes to make the NDP reject you.

  13. 13
    busterggi

    No prob, the MIBs have everything under control.

  14. 14
    Jason Thibeault

    Oh yeah, that guy. I had a draft post started a year ago about how he was claiming he was going to “blow the lid off” the “alien conspiracy”. I forgot all about it, and him.

  15. 15
    Strewth

    If you had to watch your southern neighbour’s politicians ranting about conspiracies and the dangers of brown people, but still needed to sell them natural resources, you’d develop a good poker face, too. Heyoo!

    :P

  16. 16
    Scr... Archivist

    One thing: never play poker with the woman presenter of this show. She maintains an absolutely straight face throughout the interview.

    Maybe that’s from a lifetime of training.

    Host Sophie Shevardnadze is a grand-daughter of Eduard Shevardnadze, who was the Soviet Foreign Minister in the late 1980′s. According to Wikipedia, she “was known to join him on some high-level meetings between the Soviets and the Americans when she was in her teens”.

    Meanwhile, it doesn’t surprise me that Russia Today would waste time on nonsense such as alien visitation.

  17. 17
    PZ Myers

    By his own admission, Jason is one of those Canadians with the job of burying the truth about Canada.

  18. 18
    Nemo

    I only made it 6 minutes in. I like how he basically admitted that he had no direct knowledge of these matters, and had gotten his ideas from “books”. And for this, they put him on TV.

  19. 19
    twas brillig (stevem)

    After watching that video of such a “nice” Canadian explaining so much, I am so tempted to engage in some armchair diagnoses. Before I go there, I would like to say that he is clearly trying to get us to abandon nuclear weapons and be charitable to poor people and take care of our planet better [hear that, eco-terrorists?] He seems to be deeply religious, but unlike HAM, couches it in reasonable arguments: Star of Bethlehem was just a UFO, Cosmos is based on “free will”, giving us the power to make choices: good and/or bad choices. etc. etc. But even though I agree with some of his “advice” to us, I have to ask: how does a nuclear bomb explosion here affect the whole cosmos? We have cameras floating around Saturn, is NASA keeping Andromedia secret?
    <WARNING “armchair diagnoses” ahead> “Andromedia” == “Andro” + “media”[???]
    He sounds a little “Trekkie-over-the-edge”: multiple species of aliens, who have a”federation”, who’s first rule is to not interfere with non-federation members. They want to help, but only when invited [Canadian much?] They share, but only little things; like LED’s and ‘micro-chips’ and Kevlar vests. I see someone who is struggling with retirement and trying to right the wrongs he thinks he perpetuated in his former position. Because of that struggle his religion and rationality are trying to merge instead of struggle, so he compromises with; aliens sneaking around but wanting to help us if we ask. And we can’t just ask outright, we have prove our sincerity by trying to fix everything that’s wrong with us. [i.e. saying penance to be forgiven]. I wonder about some of his fabrications; “stop shooting down UFO’s”, he says. “When did we ever do that?, I ask. “We used to scramble entire flight squadrons to shoot them down whenever there was some faint blip on the radar, but then the blip would vanish and our planes would have to return.” So maybe we tried to and wanted to, but did we ever succeed at it? [Roswell don't count, it crashed, we didn't shoot it]
    I could go on and on but I’ve gone on too long already. apologies. back to my corner of silence…

  20. 20
    Dalillama, Schmott Guy

    Rob Grigjanis #7

    Wow, that’s almost as bizarre as what routinely comes from the mouths of 50% of US politicians. Rather more benign though.

    Makes me think of an episode of Frasier in which the candidate that Frasier supports turns out to believe that he was abducted by aliens, and Frasier is deeply weirded out by this, and when it comes out the candidate loses by a landslide. The first time I saw the episode, I said “That’s no stranger that the crap that comes out of most candidate’s mouths. What’s everyone so het up about?”

  21. 21
    Lynna, OM

    Apparently, Canadian farmers are adorable too. They are so adorable that politicians from the USA use Canadian farmers instead of, say, Pennsylvania farmers in their political ads.

    If you want to capture images of beautiful farmland and the people who work hard to maintain the state’s rich agricultural heritage, take a drive through Lancaster County.

    That’s what Tom Corbett and members of the his campaign team should have done to promote the Farm Families for Corbett-Cawley coalition.

    But they didn’t.

    The governor’s campaign is instead using photos of Canadian farmers on its site advocating the coalition.

    […]“The front page of the site shows the Farm Families announcement and is accompanied by stock photos of happy farmers from just north of the border.”[…]

    http://lancasteronline.com/article/local/941202_Gov–Tom-Corbett-campaign-ad-uses-pictures-of-Canadians-to-promote-Pennsylvania-farming-families.html

  22. 22
    Thumper: Who Presents Boxes Which Are Not Opened

    @bustereggi #13

    No prob, the MIBs have everything under control.

    I now have an excellent image of Will Smith swinging in mid-interview and kicking Hellyer off his chair :)

  23. 23
    janiceintoronto

    Actually, here in Canada “Panzers” is a code word for very, very, very cold winds and nasty icky snow that we can unleash at will on you unsuspecting ‘merkins.

    So be nice. Just like us.

    Or we’ll have to unleash the BIG Panzers next time.

    Your friend, Janice in Toronto

  24. 24
    ms

    1. Why was it necessary to label the interviewer as ” the woman presenter”? How is her gender relevant?

    2. She has a name as #16 pointed out.

  25. 25
    Thumper: Who Presents Boxes Which Are Not Opened

    I didn’t watch the whole thing (too much stupid before dinner will ruin my appetite); did a male presenter appear at any point? If not, I second ms.

  26. 26
    Jackie

    When I think “adorable Canadian”, I think of Dave Foley. Doesn’t everyone?
    http://www.bullz-eye.com/television/interviews/2008/images/dave_doley/dave_foley_05.jpg

  27. 27
    Eamon Knight

    @14: Don’t feel bad, Jason. I’m old enough to remember when Hellyer was an active politician (he was one of the also-rans for the Liberal leadership race that gave us Trudeau père), and *I’d* forgotten all about him until he re-surfaced in the last few years, spouting this UFO schtick.

  28. 28
    peterh

    “There are about 80 alien species visiting the earth through a portal in the Andes, and some of them look like people from Denmark and have been disguised as nuns…”

    Am I the only one to have the thought that nearly all figures in these cheesy & disputed manger scenes and the cheesy Xmas cards look like they could be Danes?

  29. 29
    sambarge

    I remember Hellyer from his time in government too but, and this is weird, I could have sworn his name was spelled “Helier” or possibly “Hellier”. Is it just me? Must be. I’ve googled him and this is the guy. Maybe I just assumed it was a French name being pronounced wrong by us Anglos.

    Now that’s adorable and Canadian; assuming you’re doing something wrong right from the beginning.

  30. 30
    =8)-DX

    That video was dissappoint. Just reading the intro paragraph and video title I thought it was going to be about a progressive Canadian Minister of Defence who thought that immigration was good because aliens people from other countries would share their tech bring new insight and boost technological advancement to a modern economy.

    Sigh.

  31. 31
    Inaji

    kevinalexander @ 10:

    He’s ninety years old. Maybe the aliums haves a ray that causes senile dementia.

    Goodness. Way to be an absolute fuckwitted ass. All manner of people believe in aliens, all ages, all walks of life. How on earth would you have made a nasty comment if it had been someone younger? A remark about their mental health, perhaps?

    Here’s a clue: just because someone is 90 years old and holds to a popular belief does not mean they have senile dementia. It’s also against the commenting rules here to spew ableist slurs.

  32. 32
    chigau (違う)

    aliums?
    The onions are out to get us?

  33. 33
    robro

    janiceintoronto @#23

    we’ll have to unleash the BIG Panzers next time.

    Could you Canadeans unleash some wet Panzers in California’s direction? We’ve got a major drought in the works here…oh, shit, maybe the drought is just part of your insidious plans!

  34. 34
    fabianocaccin

    Nope. Nuns are actually the WIB.

  35. 35
    shikko

    @ # 18
    I like how he basically admitted that he had no direct knowledge of these matters, and had gotten his ideas from “books”.

    Wait, is he a retired general or preacher?

  36. 36
    Inaji

    Chigau:

    aliums?
    The onions are out to get us?

    The Allium takeover is a well known secret. I’m pretty sure the garlic is at the forefront of it though.

  37. 37
    rodw

    You’re all so quick to make fun of him but think about it: during the entire time he was Canadian Defense Minister there wasnt a single attack on Canada by intelligent aliens. (that we know of ) So he must have been doing something right!

  38. 38
    chigau (違う)

    Caine
    mmmm garlic

  39. 39
    Inaji

    Chigau:

    mmmm garlic

    See? That’s how they get you!

  40. 40
    Rich Woods

    You’re all so quick to make fun of him but think about it: during the entire time he was Canadian Defense Minister there wasnt a single attack on Canada by intelligent aliens. (that we know of ) So he must have been doing something right!

    Oh, rubbish. I’m sure I saw Donald Sutherland be replaced by a podperson around that time, so clearly something bad was going on.

    What more proof is needed?

  41. 41
    Inaji

    Rich Woods:

    Oh, rubbish. I’m sure I saw Donald Sutherland be replaced by a podperson around that time

    Oh, no. See, that would have happened in ’78. I think you mean Kevin McCarthy, in ’56.

  42. 42
    Eamon Knight

    @41: Are you seriously going to argue that Kiefer is the offspring of Earth-normal humans?

  43. 43
    rodw

    Oh, rubbish. I’m sure I saw Donald Sutherland be replaced by a podperson around that time, so clearly something bad was going on.

    Theres no need to get emotional about it Rich. You just need a good nights sleep.

    Come to think of it if Canada was attacked by aliens would we even hear about it?? I suppose Alex Trebek might mention it during the break on Jeopardy!

  44. 44
    timgueguen

    It’s worth repeating that Hellyer’s relevance to Canadian politics ended decades ago. Now if a current cabinet minster said something like that it would be a lot more interesting. Unfortunately fringe beliefs amongst Steven Harper’s band of creeps run in the conservative Christian direction, so it’s possible one or more of then think UFOs are demonic.

  45. 45
    cuervocuero

    #23 Janice

    Out here at the Rockies, the Panzers are busy utilizing the domesticated canids population as fusion cusine appertifs.

    Of course St Paul, Alberta was given federal centennial funds in 1967 to help the community build the first official UFO landing pad (one of Hellyer’s seeekrit projects? mayyyybe) *and* Vulcan, Alberta has the lock on being HQ to Star Trek fangeekery meets Tourism dollars, so we’ve got both ends of the space spectrum covered.

  46. 46
    mikeyb

    Perhaps he’s an X-files junkie. Maybe his secret wish is to be a real life Fox Mulder. It was a great show about the outer limits of conspiracy theories and paranoia.

  47. 47
    Fionnabhair

    As a Canadian, I just wanna say, I’m so sorry.

    (46 comments and nobody made an apology? I am disappointed.)

  48. 48
    FossilFishy (NOBODY, and proud of it!)

    Sorry about that Fionnabhair.

  49. 49
    Pat G

    Hellyer gutted the Canadian forces, merged the army, navy and air force into one then put them all into green business suits. He was an idiot a long time before UFOs invaded his brain.

  50. 50
    chigau (違う)

    I’m late with this.
    Sorry.

  51. 51
    Eamon Knight

    I apologize for not having apologized earlier. But Fioannbhair owes us an apology for drawing attention to this fact and embarassing us.

  52. 52
    gerryl

    I heard part of this interview on the radio and the first thought that came to me was that he had seen Men in Black and thought it was a documentary.

  53. 53
    Robert B.

    Andromedia? What, like, football broadcasts, car magazines? Tomb Raider? That sort of thing?

  54. 54
    chigau (違う)

    I’m really sorry more Canadians are not apologizing.
    I apologise for them.
    (fuck you, little red wiggly line)

  55. 55
  56. 56
    yubal

    infotainment?

  57. 57
    Fionnabhair

    You’re right, Eamon Knight. I am sorry.

  58. 58
    vaiyt

    There are about 80 alien species visiting the earth through a portal in the Andes, and some of them look like people from Denmark and have been disguised as nuns (I KNEW IT!).

    I just love how conspiracy theorists and UFOlogists think. They see something, and instead of starting from the premise that it is, in fact, what they’re seeing, they assume it’s something else. Then you can fabricate any story at all about it and they will always sound plausible!

  59. 59
    birgerjohansson

    Being Swedish, I take the Danish connection very, very seriously. And Danes seem able to metabolize alcohol in amounts that would kill an ordinary human.
    -The rise of wossname, the prime minister, is clearly the result of a sinister plot implemented by the Canadian counterpart of the X-File “Cancer Man”.

  60. 60
    birgerjohansson

    Haha, Denmark. http://satwcomic.com/everything-is-fine

  61. 61
    birgerjohansson

    Canadian “Cancer Man” triumphs: http://thetyee.ca/News/2013/12/23/Canadian-Science-Libraries//
    Man, those aliens are evil!

  62. 62
    David Marjanović

    Hellyer gutted the Canadian forces, merged the army, navy and air force into one then put them all into green business suits. He was an idiot a long time before UFOs invaded his brain.

    …Uh. Does Canada need a military?

  63. 63
    chigau (違う)

    David Marjanović
    Canada used to have a really good reputation as UN Peacekeepers.
    Once upon a time…

  64. 64
    Eamon Knight

    @63: Yeah, now all we do is get blown up in Af’stan (and if the current asshole had been in charge 11 years ago, it would be Iraq, too).

  65. 65
    ck

    @62,

    Yes. Would you want to live next to the United States and not have a local military? I’m not saying we’d win if there was war, but there has to be some pain given how much the U.S. likes armed conflict.

  66. 66
    petrander

    But why Denmark!? What is so special about people from Denmark!? I live here and they don’t look a lot different from people in the American Midwest or… Canada!

    BTW the interviewer, Sophie Shevardnadze, is no less than the granddaughter of Eduard Shevardnadze, the former Soviet minister of foreign affairs! It must be a conspiracy… That must be why she can keep such a pokerface. She knew all along what he was going to say!

  67. 67
    petrander

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sophie_Shevardnadze

    and was known to join him on some high-level meetings between the Soviets and the Americans when she was in her teens.

    I KNEW IT!!!!!!

  68. 68
    WhiteHatLurker

    And to distract everyone from this anti-Canuck moment, look at what the Aussies are saying ….

  69. 69
    twas brillig (stevem)

    Hellyer was right! He deduced the secret before anybody! His theorees are correct! The Iranians can’t be mistaken, and Obamadan has been hiding it from us all along. Run away! The tall-whites are after us all!

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