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Jan 04 2012

Iowa caucus results

The Republican scores in Iowa are 25, 25, 21, 13, 10, 5, and 1. For an in-depth discussion of these remarkable numbers, we turn to our political analyst, Bob.

Thanks, Bob. These are very good numbers. 25 is clearly the winner, but the other 25 is very, very close. 21 is less than 25, but it’s still a good number, and I’m sure 21 is very pleased…although, of course, a bigger number would be even better. 13 and 10 are even smaller numbers.

5 and 1 are the littlest numbers. They are going to have to try much harder to get bigger if they want to stay in this race!

Excellent analysis, Bob. What does it mean that we have two 25s though?

It means that the election is very exciting so far, Bob, and that now more people will turn on our show to find out which one gets a bigger number. Compare it to the Democratic caucuses, where one person got 100. Boring, Bob, very boring.

So this means we get to keep our jobs, Bob?

Yes, Bob, and that is very good news indeed.

Now turning to our field reporter, Bob, we have an interview with one of the candidates.

“Sir, how do you feel about your number?”

“Well, Bob, it’s not a bad number, it could have been bigger, but it’s about where our polls predicted it would be. So we feel very good about our number.”

“Back to you, Bob.”

Thanks, Bob. And coming up after this commercial break, our chief political analyst Bob will explain these results to you with dazzling computer graphics.

<BUY OUR INSURANCE BEFORE YOU DIE. OUR DRUG WILL MAKE YOU HAPPY (side effects include dizziness, vomiting, wasting, exploding bowels, death, ennui, lack of ambition, impotence, and suicidal feelings.) HAPPY! ASK YOUR DOCTOR. THIS CAR IS VERY LARGE AND MANLY. STOCKPILE GOLD NOW. BUY OUR ALARM SYSTEM OR THIS VERY SCARY MAN WILL BREAK INTO YOUR HOUSE.>

Here is Bob, who will make these results meaningful by making them very bright and shiny and dynamic.

Thanks, Bob. We have created an animated chart of these results. Big numbers are shown as this very large, erect penis, much like yours if you got an offer to do a nude interview with Katy Perry, and small numbers are shown as this tiny little nubbin, like you’d see in a cold locker room after losing the big game. What this shows…

Bob, wait a minute. Isn’t one of the candidates a woman?

Ha ha, yes, Bob, but no clitoris is ever going to get as big as this magnificent purple monster, so it hardly matters, right?

Ha ha, of course. Go on.

As I was saying, Bob, we’ve illustrated all the candidates here, as you can see, and, well, they’re all pretty flaccid so far. None of them are even at half-mast yet, but the top candidates have clearly gotten a little tickle from Iowa and are beginning to stir.

Our job here on the Political Show in the next few months is to flatter and cajole these dicks until one is so aroused that he intimidates all the others into slinking away. We’ll be here every day, reporting on their relative turgidity until one is the biggest.

The power of the press, Bob. By the way, do you have a chart of the Democratic results?

We do, Bob, but the office here is pretty white and we found it too frightening to contemplate. Don’t worry, though, we’re ready, once the Republicans have sorted out who has the biggest number, to do what the media does best, and in the run up to the election we’ll be right here, fairly and objectively reporting the two penis sizes right down to the millimeter, right up to election day.

Good work, Bob. And may the biggest number win.

And that’s all from the election desk. Stay tuned as we bring in a series of pundits to talk about these numbers all day long.

51 comments

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  1. 1
    richardelguru

    Very funny, but that’s a bit too close to reality to be hysterically funny.

  2. 2
    The Lorax

    Dammit PZ, stop posting transcriptions from Fox News. Do something original! Sheesh.

  3. 3
    razzlefrog

    Kill me.

  4. 4
    Walton

    *giggles madly*

    PZ, I think this may be your best post ever. It made me giggle out loud. Kudos.

    (Also, it illustrates why I now avoid election coverage.)

  5. 5
    Art Vandelay

    One of those big dicks is not a dick at all but actually the frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex.

  6. 6
    cicely

    …exploding bowels…

    Oh, yes! Yes!!! I must ask my doctor if DRUG is right for me!!!

    This whole post reads like something ripped from the pages screen of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. Loved it. :D
    -

  7. 7
    Glen Davidson

    At least we might be rid of Bachmann and Perry soon enough. Not that Santorum is much better, but perhaps slightly closer to sane.

    I know the creationism would disappear soon enough from Santorum’s rhetoric if he were frontrunner, but it likely would encourage the creationists of all kinds even if he ran and lost.

    Glen Davidson

  8. 8
    Musca Domestica

    Thank You, Bobs, it’s all much more clear now!

  9. 9
    Gregory Greenwood

    Wow, that is so reminiscent of Faux News that it is downright scary.

    One point though, where you write;

    We do, Bob, but the office here is pretty white and we found it too frightening to contemplate. Don’t worry, though, we’re ready, once the Republicans have sorted out who has the biggest number, to do what the media does best, and in the run up to the election we’ll be right here, fairly and objectively reporting the two penis sizes right down to the millimeter, right up to election day.

    (Emphasis added)

    You just miss out on the correct wording. We all know the matra, so on three…

    1…

    2…

    3… Fair and Balanced(TM).

  10. 10
    Gregory Greenwood

    Joking about the Republican caucus is harder than it might at first appear. After all, when one of the candidates is an evangelical bible-thumper called, of all things, Rick Santorum, parody just begins to look redundant…

  11. 11
    Goodbye Enemy Janine

    Bob Dole approves of penile medication.

  12. 12
    Jason Thibeault

    Contact your doctor if your election numbers stay strong for four hours after the Iowa Caucus.

  13. 13
    a_ray_in_dilbert_space

    My Iowa Caucus headline:

    Romney finishes with Santorum in Rear

    It’s only funny if you read Dan Savage.

  14. 14
    samsalerno

    Now that was friggin hilarious. I especially enjoyed the commercial break.

  15. 15
    nathanwren

    LOL, though equally lolzy is the way several commenters jump on Fox News as though every frigging American news network wasn’t doing basically the same thing (though perhaps with less of a racial element). Coming from Canada, with some measure of public financing for elections, a restricted media window for election campaign coverage, limitation of media dollars spent by campaigns (including third party spending),etc,etc… The whole affair seems to me hopelessly ridiculous and soaked head to toe in dirty money.

    Kudos to PZ on highlighting the blatant commercial nature of the coverage… Now I wonder why you don’t hear more about public financing of elections on the major news networks? Hmmm… Oh, well. Must just be ‘cuz that’s a socialist plot and obviously doomed to fail, or make your kids gay, or light your bibles on fire or something… After all, no other countries successfully elect governments, right? Right??

  16. 16
    nathanwren

    Oh, and well I’m flexing the (partially atrophied) Canadian superiority muscle, here’s a crazy idea for y’all… ZERO dollars of direct corporate campaign contributions! This was enacted over around a decade, in stages, starting with a $5000 limit, later reduced to zero (with individual citizens’ limit remaining at $5k, if I remember my numbers correctly). But the US couldn’t do that, could they? Because obviously *poof*, there goes your freedom of speech! Yep.

  17. 17
    owenevans

    And Bachmann has bailed. So, some good news.

  18. 18
    Goodbye Enemy Janine

    There is something you must understand, nathanwren. In the US, corporations are people. And money is free speech. Putting a limit on how much a corporation can spend is curtailing free speech.

    It is a Koch brothers wonderland here.

  19. 19
    anteprepro

    You know, it was bad enough when we had months of Republican debate after Republican debate, with pundits talking about who did better (and very few lamenting about what idiots all of the contenders are). It was bad enough when we had months of commentators trying to divine who will get the nomination a full year before the election by examining ever-fluctuating public opinion polls, and pundits hyping up the next debate and the current most popular candidate. But now we’re going to get even more frequent debates as well as several months of handwringing over caucus numbers. The only thing that gives me hope is that there is only one debate in February, and that it’s over by March. I’m almost looking forward to the four presidential debates so we can finally see Obama attempt to defend his record and finally see someone at least suggest that a Republican might be saying something wrong. Perhaps I expect too much, though.

    And, nathanwren:

    Because obviously *poof*, there goes your freedom of speech!

    Pretty much. Corporations are “people” too, and with our Citizens United ruling a few years back (justified by the court on the grounds of free speech), I honestly doubt that completely removing the ability of corporations to donate to political campaigns is a possibility in the foreseeable future.

  20. 20
    Owlmirror

    Has anyone seen the Slate Republican Campaign Horse Race? It hasn’t been updated with the latest results yet, but it’s still amusing to watch.

  21. 21
    lordshipmayhem

    So the apparent choice for the Republican alternative to Obama (nice Irish name, BTW…) is a pair of knitted gloves and a frothy mixture of faeces and anal lubricant.

  22. 22
    douglas black

    @13,

    The best double-entendre I heard was

    Romney Squeezes Out Santorum

  23. 23
    Cliff Hendroval

    Well done, and as nathanwren pointed out, this is a satire on all the major media organizations, not just Fox News.

  24. 24
    qwints

    They might as well be literally announcing a horse race.

  25. 25
    Ing

    There is something you must understand, nathanwren. In the US, corporations are people. And money is free speech. Putting a limit on how much a corporation can spend is curtailing free speech.

    It is a Koch brothers wonderland here.

    One wonders if they’d protect their right to laser their name on the moon.

  26. 26
    New England Bob

    Hey! No one interviewed me or let me do interviews.

  27. 27
    Gregory Greenwood

    nathanwren @ 15;

    LOL, though equally lolzy is the way several commenters jump on Fox News as though every frigging American news network wasn’t doing basically the same thing (though perhaps with less of a racial element).

    True, but I still say that Fox News is the single most egregious example. Besides, I am biased. As a Brit, I am less than pleased with the Fox News corporate owner – Murdoch’s News Corp – and it’s involvement in the phone tapping scandal over here along with its innumerable other questionable practices.

    So, when it comes to kicking the corrupt media, my boot will always aim for News Corp affiliates first, although I freely admit that there are any number of other news organisations very nearly as deserving of some vigorously applied boot-leather.

  28. 28
    MetzO'Magic

    Very clever, PZ. But I think it may have been a thinly veiled excuse just to use the word ‘turgidity’, which does not often see the light of day.

  29. 29
    Ganf

    Bravo, bravissimo PZ!

  30. 30
    David Marjanović

    Romney finishes with Santorum in Rear

    It’s only funny if you read Dan Savage.

    ROTFLMAO! I just proved you wrong!

    And Bachmann has bailed. So, some good news.

    Awww. It would have been such fun if she tried to appoint “13 new Republican senators” and then discovered she couldn’t!

    Romney Squeezes Out Santorum

    X-D X-D X-D X-D X-D

    Hey! No one interviewed me or let me do interviews.

    There used to be a commenter here who was called True Bob. Somehow I think he gets all the attention.

  31. 31
    DLC

    Thanks for the chuckles, PZ.
    but I am really afraid. . . deathly afraid of hearing Walton giggle. It might be too much.

    Alas, MSNBC and Current had the same long-winded garbage on.
    I really enjoy watching most of the MSNBC crew, particularly Chuck Todd, Rachel Maddow and Chris Matthews, but 3 hours worth of “Mitt Romney is just behind Rick Santorum” was too much even for an admitted news junkie such as myself.

    A Mormon corporate raider or a Born-Again “in Christ”er. Holy fuck, what a crappy pair of choices.

  32. 32
    raym

    Corporations are people.
    Money is speech.
    Pizza is a vegetable.

    Such miracles are possible only in god’s own favourite “greatest nation on earth”, the modern USofA.

    Pitiful.

  33. 33
    w1znerd

    This piece cuts a little close to the bone! (Sorry, I felt it had to be said.)

  34. 34
    The Sailor

    Romney Squeaks Out Santorum For A Come From Behind Victory

  35. 35
    anchor

    PZ, you crack me right up. Well done.

  36. 36
    Moggie

    Romney on top, Santorum all over him.

  37. 37
    nathanwren

    @janine, @anteprepro

    Ah, yes. Our old buddy corporate personhood. Does raise some interesting questions, doesn’t it? Do they only attain personhood at the IPO, or are start-ups persons too? And I wonder if Romney or Santorim have a position on mergers between genderless persons. And *gulp* just what exactly is a hostile takeover?

    Also @anteprepro:

    Never say never… Methinks there are still more REAL persons in the USA than corporations. And I’ve heard the words “constitutional convention” knocked around with increasing frequency these days. Even many on the right would jump at the chance (cue “eternal vigilance…” speech here, though)

    Sorry for the quote-less responses… iPhone. Fat thumbs. No time

  38. 38
    The Sailor

    Romney Reaches Around Santorum For A Happy Ending

  39. 39
    Evader, the parasite-infested branch on the evolutionary tree

    No my god… too funny!

    PZ is truly a very talented and gifted writer. Can’t wait for the book.

  40. 40
    imnotherbert

    I liked Bob’s commentary the best.

  41. 41
    kreativekaos

    Funniest satirical commentary on tepid, inane media coverage of the four-year election circus I’ve seen in a while. (PZ? A future in comic satire? Stewart and Colbert, make room for another. :)

  42. 42
    feralboy12

    So they’ve caucused and chosen delegates to the county convention, where they will choose delegates to attend the state convention, who will in turn select the delegates to the national convention, who may or may not recall having held a caucus in January.

  43. 43
    SQB

    And Bachmann has bailed. So, some good news.

    Yeah? And where do you think her supporters will go? Not to Romney, I’d say. On the other hand, Romney has the best shot going against Obama, so perhaps not having Romney nominated would be good thing, as long as that other Republican candidate loses.

    So on the one hand, Romney is the sanest of them all, but would be the biggest threat against Obama.
    On the other hand, the other candidates wouldn’t be as much of a threat against Obama but would be a disaster if they actually did win.
    And on the gripping hand, Obama himself hasn’t quite lived up to his promise, now did he?

  44. 44
    garydargan

    That’s how male baboons pick their leader.

  45. 45
    Olav

    The drug advertised in the commercial break must be some kind of SSRI. I recognise some of the side effects.

  46. 46
    carlie

    One wonders if they’d protect their right to laser their name on the moon.

    The Tick will make sure that doesn’t happen. Or, at least, they won’t get past the first two letters or so.

  47. 47
    PZ Myers

    Yes. Which means MY plan will still succeed! Bwahahahaha!

  48. 48
    Goodbye Enemy Janine

    Carlie, make that three letter. It had “CHA” up there. But The Tick did let that giant take a bite of the Moon. But too be fair, it was a negotiated deal, the giant wanted to eat the Earth. Which made The Tick upset because the Earth is where he keeps his stuff.

    SPOOOOOOOOON!

  49. 49
    Nick Gotts

    So on the one hand, Romney is the sanest of them all, but would be the biggest threat against Obama. – SQB

    But, Romney getting the nomination (which he will, in spite of being both a Mormon, and less exciting than watching paint dry) maximises the chances of at least one of the losing candidates refusing to accept defeat, running as an independent, and splitting the Republican Party beyond repair. Loopy Ron is probably the most likely to do that – it’s not as if he has much of a political future to worry about, this must surely be his last chance, and he has squads of thoroughly indoctrinated Pauloids to do his bidding.

    Of course it’s good that Romney doesn’t get it without a prolonged and bitter battle. Loopy Ron again seems the best bet for that. Can anyone believe Santorum’s spurt will last longer than those of the previous Great Right Hopes?

  50. 50
    larrymeredith

    Yeah, all this Iowa politics analysis is boring and meaningless. Instead lets spend all our time analyzing children’s toys and the colours pink and blue.

  51. 51
    Dave, ex-Kwisatz Haderach

    Woo! Penis jokes AND Tick references. Bestest thread evar!

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