He has been replaced by a ‘bot. And it’s amazing how well it captures the true spirit of Chopra.
Jun 20 2012
Deepak Chopra is now obsolete
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96 comments
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SC (Salty Current), OM
20 June 2012 at 11:36 am (UTC -5) Link to this comment
Indistinguishable.
Robert B.
20 June 2012 at 11:39 am (UTC -5) Link to this comment
No way, SC, I’ve done it like ten times and I haven’t gotten anything with “quantum” in it yet…
*click*
Never mind.
notforyoutoknow
20 June 2012 at 11:41 am (UTC -5) Link to this comment
“Quantum physics creates sexual sensations.” I think this one pretty much captured everything about the man.
A Hermit
20 June 2012 at 11:41 am (UTC -5) Link to this comment
Spooky! I got “Your movement unfolds into humble chaos”, which pretty accurately describes what happened in my toilet this morning…
radpumpkin
20 June 2012 at 11:42 am (UTC -5) Link to this comment
Wat.
Yes, ’tis completely indistinguishable from the real crackpot…
gragra, something clever after the comma
20 June 2012 at 11:42 am (UTC -5) Link to this comment
Don Quijote
20 June 2012 at 11:45 am (UTC -5) Link to this comment
@Robert B.
That’s because “Self power transforms irrational acceptance.”
a3kr0n
20 June 2012 at 11:45 am (UTC -5) Link to this comment
Can’t comment now, busy receiving more wisdom!
Click
Click
Click
…
Randomfactor
20 June 2012 at 11:46 am (UTC -5) Link to this comment
I agree with the others. Needs more quantum. But the ones I got would suffice for any newage guru.
What a Maroon, Applied Linguist of Slight Foreboding
20 June 2012 at 11:48 am (UTC -5) Link to this comment
I got quantum on my second try:
“Intuition explores quantum mysteries”
Robert B.
20 June 2012 at 11:50 am (UTC -5) Link to this comment
I really did get my first “quantum” koan while I was writing that comment. Which tells you how easily distracted I…
*click*
“Wholeness experiences intrinsic sexual energy.”
unbound
20 June 2012 at 11:51 am (UTC -5) Link to this comment
Doesn’t calling Deepak obsolete imply that he was useful in some way to begin with?
Glen Davidson
20 June 2012 at 11:53 am (UTC -5) Link to this comment
Needs more whining about real science as being “too limited” or whatever cliche you might prefer.
Glen Davidson
radpumpkin
20 June 2012 at 11:55 am (UTC -5) Link to this comment
No, no it does not.
Gnumann
20 June 2012 at 12:02 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
I’m confused here – does this mean Deepak Chopra (original edition) fails the Turning test?
tonyagudo
20 June 2012 at 12:05 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
Here’s a few nuggets I got:
“The world is beyond quantum sexual energy”
“Intuition is the continuity of universal space time events”
“Interdependence illuminates ephemeral creativity”
“Dogs are horses”
Stevarious
20 June 2012 at 12:08 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
Well, thanks to this site, now we know what god is.
God is: “a collection of words which individually have meaning and value, but when strung together lose both.”
Glen Davidson
20 June 2012 at 12:12 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
Did anyone consider the consequences of inundating the world with such a surfeit of profound wisdom and enlightenment?
I fear that we shall dissolve sometime this afternoon.
Glen Davidson
'Tis Himself
20 June 2012 at 12:12 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
It took me 16 tries to get quantum. But I did get four mentions of chaos in that time.
theophontes (坏蛋)
20 June 2012 at 12:12 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
@ Gnumann
TurningTuring(Getting random shit out of a linear process aint easy! We won’t be losing Deepak for a little while yet.)
chigau (違う)
20 June 2012 at 12:13 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
woohoo!
First try!
“The soul is the continuity of quantum success”
Shawn
20 June 2012 at 12:14 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
@13 Such people need to realize no one is asking them to constrain themselves to science or the scientific method when imagining shit up.
HappyHead
20 June 2012 at 12:15 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
@tonyagudo
I suspect this depends on the type of dog – I used to have an Irish Wolfhound that came pretty close. This would indicate an inaccuracy in the Chopra impersonation though, since it was much closer to describing reality than a lot of his statements.
feralboy12
20 June 2012 at 12:15 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
I made one of these up:
Free USB gumdrop to whoever identifies the phony.
Thomathy, Holy Trinity of Conflation: Atheist-Secularist-Darwinist
20 June 2012 at 12:17 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
Oh, Deepak, if only you took this to heart. Or is unique silence when you constantly spout meaningless bullshit?
Oh, wait …
This is actually quite a profound revelation.
smellyoldgit
20 June 2012 at 12:17 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
I got 3 quantums (or is it quanta?) in the first 6 goes – but still chasing my first consciousness. Prolly needs rebooting.
Sunday Afternoon
20 June 2012 at 12:18 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
I love the disclaimer at the bottom:
This site is intended for entertainment purposes only. It in no way reflects the thoughts of Deepak Chopra.
Thomathy, Holy Trinity of Conflation: Atheist-Secularist-Darwinist
20 June 2012 at 12:19 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
feralboy12, I vote for #3.
But then, I never believed he had ever said anything about dogs or insects …
Q.E.D
20 June 2012 at 12:20 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
This bot is so good it not only mimicks Deepshit’s verbiage perfectly but like Deepshit, each ” Deepity thought” is followed by another completely nonsensical, nonsequitur, irrelevant, has-no-power-of-explanation, follow up Deepity.
scottrobson
20 June 2012 at 12:20 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
Love it… the first one I got was:
“Dogs are sterile”
If dogs are Chopra’s ideas then this is very wise indeed. But I love my dog and would never compare her to Chopra. She is simple minded, able to confuse me with her behaviour and always smiling, but then… she is a dog.
Thomathy, Holy Trinity of Conflation: Atheist-Secularist-Darwinist
20 June 2012 at 12:21 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
Deepak Chopra would have to disagree in order to be consistent. Quantum Cosmic Consciousness and all; it’s the universal mind, of which he is a part, talking.
Nightjar
20 June 2012 at 12:23 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
Three important things I learned today:
Thomathy, Holy Trinity of Conflation: Atheist-Secularist-Darwinist
20 June 2012 at 12:26 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
Does anyone know what would happen if this bot were combined with the Postmodernism Generator?
fistikins
20 June 2012 at 12:27 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
I fear that with this new tool Deepak will be able to churn books out at an unfathomable rate.
Glen Davidson
20 June 2012 at 12:29 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
I see what they did there. “Thoughts.”
Glen Davidson
theophontes (坏蛋)
20 June 2012 at 12:32 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
The above a haiku of Chopra’s website after being fed into a random poem generator. Link to generator. The fun ain’t never gonna stop!
tbp1
20 June 2012 at 12:34 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
Now?
Jafafa Hots
20 June 2012 at 12:34 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
Wait… I got “Good health depends on visible reality.”
That IS NOT CHOPRA!
pentatomid
20 June 2012 at 12:36 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
“The unknowable explains a symphony of potentiality”
Wow, that is like totally deep maaaan!
Jafafa Hots
20 June 2012 at 12:36 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
er, actually I think it was “depends upon,” but same diff.
theophontes (坏蛋)
20 June 2012 at 12:41 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
vs
vs
Meh … not quite Shakespeare, but at least more coherent than the babble.
What a Maroon, Applied Linguist of Slight Foreboding
20 June 2012 at 12:42 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
“The world unfolds into subtle chaos”
That actually makes some sense, if it’s meant to describe entropy.
On the other hand….
“The unexplainable undertakes unparalleled balance”
Loqi
20 June 2012 at 12:43 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
Before I clicked the link, I assumed it was just going to say “quantum quantum quantum consciousness quantum.”
Gregory in Seattle
20 June 2012 at 12:45 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
It’s like a New Age fortune cookie. And like a fortune cookie, one should add either “… in bed” or “… with a penguin” at the end.
petermountain
20 June 2012 at 12:51 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
“Kittens are birds” o.0
theophontes (坏蛋)
20 June 2012 at 12:52 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
Is Deepak not the leading exponent of (“the un-figure-outable vortex of”)
leighshryock
20 June 2012 at 12:54 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
I finally got one that doesn’t sound like him, but is as factually correct as what he normally says:
“Kittens are plants.”
The rest? Pretty much spot on.
Gregory in Seattle
20 June 2012 at 12:57 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
@leighshryock #47 – Actually, it does sound like him; it’s just incomplete.
Kittens are plants because they both share in the same quantum essence that unites all living things.
ChristineRose
20 June 2012 at 1:02 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
“Hidden meaning arises and subsides in the mechanics of joy”
Not only is this entirely true, it is naughty as well!
Loqi
20 June 2012 at 1:04 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
Having now visited the link and clicked through several, I’m convinced this is not a bot. There’s got to be a tiny Chopra inside my computer typing these out.
Audley Z Darkheart (liar and scoundrel)
20 June 2012 at 1:04 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
Also makes for an excellent title for a shitty indie band’s debut album!
AJ Milne
20 June 2012 at 1:10 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
We’re going to notice the difference how?
(/Come to think of it, it poses an interesting question: is he perhaps already using one of these?)
fabianocaccin
20 June 2012 at 1:13 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
This does reflect the “thoughts” of the man, I’d say.
Reality is an opinion. Sounds familiar to me.
Fabiano
believer of The Cult Of Solar Fusion
Beatrice
20 June 2012 at 1:13 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
Wow, deep.
earwig
20 June 2012 at 1:14 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
“The unexplainable is in the midst of quantum bliss”
“The universe depends on unbridled mysteries”
“Kittens are birds”
I think that just about sums it up.
Gnumann
20 June 2012 at 1:16 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
Gnumann, Tyhpos is my motor
20 June 2012 at 1:17 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
Aannd we got blockquote fail on top of everything else…
Larry
20 June 2012 at 1:19 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
Damn you, Wisdom of Chopra. I’ve become like a mindless monkey in a cage, clicking a button to reveal the next morsel of monkey chow, or, in this case, the pearls of wisdom that flow from Deepak inner essence. Each clicks only makes me want another and another.
My day is so screwed.
leighshryock
20 June 2012 at 1:27 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
Gregory @48:
Fair point. Doesn’t sound like him as it stands, but could easily be expounded upon to come up with his particular brand of insanity.
ebotebo
20 June 2012 at 1:28 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
Sonifies dead onlinethere messages camping,
with making userscosmic information showcasing s added!
in dead updates damn summertaper.
Audley Z Darkheart (love nurtures boundless chaos)
20 June 2012 at 1:30 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
It’s like someone wrote a Zen koan about my sex life. O.o
Strewth
20 June 2012 at 1:35 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
I got “Elephants are Sterile”.
The “(xanimals) are (y)” formula is pretty limiting and needs expansion, methinks.
digitalatheist
20 June 2012 at 1:48 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
“The unpredictable is an ingredient of quantum sexual energy”
HOKEY HELL! I just unlocked the wizdomz of teh universe. Eyeinstein was a poker.
Sastra
20 June 2012 at 1:51 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
Deepak’s deepities rely on the same principles as ‘cold reading:’ throw out a lot of vague generalities or obscure suggestions and let the subject/client do all the work.
“I see a man with light hair– he’s wearing some kind of uniform, and he’s bent over. Does this make sense to you?”
“Well, my Uncle Carl had a bad back… and his hair was dark, but he lost most of it when he got older. Uniform? He was a car mechanic — wait! I remember now! They made him wear a shirt, a blue shirt, everyone in the shop had them and his name was embroidered on the pocket. OMG! I can’t believe you got all that detail! Even stuff I’d forgotten!”
That’s why Deepak and his ilk are so popular with a certain subset of the intelligencia. They take something like “The soul transcends universal beauty in quantum bliss” and plug in what little they know about science with an active pattern-seeking ability and use their intellect to come up with something meaningful to them. He makes them feel like they discovered something profound by working together.
And the smarter you are, the better you will be at generating meaning from nonsense syllables — unless, of course, you are smart enough to try to look at the system from the outside.
Rip Steakface
20 June 2012 at 1:51 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
Is it now? I figured it was, well, figuring something.
*looks at Louisiana’s school curriculum*
Nope.
What the fuck… ?
Now you’re fucking with me.
keithpeterson
20 June 2012 at 1:54 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
Are you absolutely sure this is a bot?
What if Deepak was a robot all along?
Oh man! I’m not even sure what’s real and what’s not…
Rev. BigDumbChimp
20 June 2012 at 1:57 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
What do you mean “what if”?
keithpeterson
20 June 2012 at 2:00 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
I don’t feel like explaining conditionals.
shockna
20 June 2012 at 2:13 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
“The cosmos explores quantum life”
“Existence is the wisdom of spontaneous reality”
“Everything is the path to total mysteries”
“Evolution illuminates your own belonging”
“Interdependence is inherent in incredible space time events”
“Hidden meaning expresses an expression of knowledge”
I am now convinced that I must design a life-like Chopra-bot and program it to verbalize random quotes like this. I’d like to line it and the real Chopra up to do a real-time Turing test.
David Utidjian
20 June 2012 at 2:39 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
HAHAHA! Perfect. Reminds me of the Systematic Buzz Phrase Projector(TM)
“The unexplainable is the path to a symphony of belonging”
“Quantum physics gives rise to quantum potentiality”
(two quantums!)
“Perception is an ingredient of irrational experiences”
I prefer, “Integrated Reciprocal Mobility” (SBPP)
ogremeister
20 June 2012 at 2:48 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
Gnumann @ 15:
Worse than that — it lowers the bar for prospective machines to qualify as intelligent.
skepticcanary
20 June 2012 at 2:49 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
Glad to see you all enjoying my handiwork! :)
Amphiox
20 June 2012 at 2:52 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
Chopra is now obsolete?
Was there ever a spacetime wherein he was not?
Nes
20 June 2012 at 2:59 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
Wow… I think about 85% of the ones I’ve seen so far sound like him *and* make “sense” (or what passes for sense in the woo world).
Took quite a while to get an animal (elephants are birds, apparently), and just like in real life, I still haven’t seen a god.
'Tis Himself
20 June 2012 at 3:00 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
Good job, skepticcanary. You have captured the
essencequantum of Choptra.Tyrant al-Kalām
20 June 2012 at 3:06 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
Congratulations whoever programmed this. You just gave DC a tool for quadrupling his book production without even making an effort.
Anyhow. It sounds like a fun game to get high and then take turns interpreting these automatic deepities.
Grumps
20 June 2012 at 3:07 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
“God unfolds into the mechanics of destiny”
- well, duh!
“Love creates intrinsic sexual energy”
- I like this one.
“Freedom is inside quantum joy”
- Quantum joy! I love it.
Amphiox
20 June 2012 at 3:10 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
Quantum joy, eh?
Discrete, isolated, and very, very small bits of joy?
I prefer my joys and freedoms analog, thank you very much.
Grumps
20 June 2012 at 3:19 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
Ah, but with quantum joy you can have the same joy in two places at the same time, can’t you? (Or something spookily, quantumy similar.)
Grumps
20 June 2012 at 3:21 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
“Gravity magnets disturb quantum tomatoes.”
… oops, wrong bot.
pentatomid
20 June 2012 at 3:46 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
“Quantum physics comprehends quantum joy.”
Hell yeah!
Stella
20 June 2012 at 3:48 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
“Greatness illuminates a symphony of energy.”
*Hallelujah chorus*
OMG you guys, that’s it! It all makes sense now!
Tyrant al-Kalām
20 June 2012 at 3:53 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
“Quantum physics comprehends quantum joy.”
I’ll tell that to quantum mechanics students, I’m sure they’ll appreciate it.
ruteekatreya
20 June 2012 at 4:27 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
Holy shit, when I clicked the link I was totally expecting to make a joke about how I expected a bot… XD
gragra, something clever after the comma
20 June 2012 at 4:29 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
It’s way better if you add “in my ass” at the end.
“Freedom heals the flow of sensations in my ass”
“Infinity creates reckless mysteries in my ass”
“Good health depends on your own silence in my ass”
“Perceptual reality comprehends a symphony of destiny in my ass”
g.o.laun
20 June 2012 at 5:51 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
I slapped some of the “wisdom” on random pictures like a demotivational poster.
“Awareness is the continuity of spontaneous potentiality” is on a picture of fall trees by a river and “Imagination undertakes an abundance of destiny” is on a glacier picture.
NotAProphet
20 June 2012 at 6:10 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
It’s broken. I got:
“Evolution explains unique mysteries”
earlycuyler
20 June 2012 at 6:24 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
Deepak was only the first step. I have almost finished the Fundieanator (patent pending) with input from Hovind,Ham, and Craig!!
(Hey, I live in Louisiana;I have the customer base. I’ll make millions)
imthegenieicandoanything
20 June 2012 at 6:34 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
And I’m so old I can remember when DC was “cutting edge”!
…
Wait a second…
…
No, actually I can’t remember any such time. From my earliest memory of DeeCho, he was already a shit-vomiting fool.
Maybe it was true way back when my grandfather wore an onion in his belt? But I doubt it.
And yet there are far, far worse people, however ridiculous and empty and useless the Grand Pseudoguru is.
Balstrome
20 June 2012 at 7:22 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
The world will end when this bot gets to do a TED talk.
Johnny Vector
20 June 2012 at 8:56 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
You know what a Markov chain is? It’s a chain I go and get and beat you with until you realize who’s in ruttin’ charge.
…oooh, sparkly…
Amphiox
20 June 2012 at 9:02 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
Was that of the wrist-slitting or throat-slitting variety?
SC (Salty Current), OM
20 June 2012 at 9:12 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
Spacetime is a symphony of desire.
Desire is the negation of obsolescence.
***
is actually quite beautiful.
dean
21 June 2012 at 8:15 am (UTC -5) Link to this comment
Quantum space, obviously.
jamesheartney
21 June 2012 at 12:38 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
I believe the neo-Chopra is channelling another famous mystic, Buzz Lightyear, with his immortal “To infinity! And beyond!”
joesmith
21 June 2012 at 6:09 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
It’s like snarXiv, but for Chopra.
Brilliant.