Dec 13 2012


The last student has turned in the last final exam of this semester! I’m done!

Wait, what’s this?

A pile of papers?

I have over a hundred exams and term papers to grade now.




<curls into fetal position, sobs pathetically>


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  1. 1

    Throw them down the stairs. Assign grades by the order in which they fall.

  2. 2
    chigau (違う)

    As long as you’re not busy any more can you do something about the links to the Dashboard?
    *ducks and runs*

  3. 3
    Ogvorbis: Still failing at being human.

    Don’t you have some slaves graduate assistants to aid you? Y’know, keep your brain protected from [shudder] students?

  4. 4

    I have over a hundred exams and term papers to grade now.

    Any plans for the afternoon?


  5. 5
    The Mellow Monkey

    Just reassign the huge staff you have running your blog to grading exams and papers.

    Checkmate, PZ!

  6. 6
    mouthyb, Vagina McTits

    I feel your pain. *eyes the pile* It’s time for the appearance of the hip flask, so that I have a little chemical insulation from what students do to facts and grammar.

  7. 7
    Crip Dyke, Right Reverend Feminist FuckToy of Death & Her Handmaiden


    I have no papers at all to grade, unlike this time last year!

    No, not me! All I have to do is cram 2 semester-courses of material into my brain before my 4th final tomorrow and 5th final monday.

    This law school is a breeze compared to grading essay exams!

  8. 8
    Martin Wagner

    Oh, relax, PZ. Here, hug this cat.

  9. 9

    But the nice thing about final papers is that you don’t have to write comments on them – just read and assign a grade, using any shorthand you want to keep track of your own thoughts as you go. If any of them later want the papers back, you can deal with making comments to them then.

  10. 10

    Man, it is nice being a retired teacher. Memories of those stacks of papers to grade are fading into the distance.

  11. 11
    Gregory in Seattle

    Crimeny, you are a PhD! Don’t you have flunkies to do the grading for you?

  12. 12


    Thank you so much for reminding me …

  13. 13
    Caveat Imperator

    How are you going to direct your three dozen sockpuppets now? Nothing will get posted and this site will die in a few weeks!
    Or will Chris take over sockpuppeting duties?

  14. 14

    I still have two more finals to give, one today and one tomorrow. Guess who gets to spend the weekend grading all the things?

  15. 15

    So… when Cthulu finally rears his betentacled head, if we just handed him a pile of unmarked exam papers would he slither back to the murky depth, sobbing? I can’t believe that’s true, our illustrious overlord has so many tentacles, short work will surely be made of this “grading” nuisance.

  16. 16

    It may be that, between all of Pharyngula’s accumulated stacks of tests-to-be-graded, we could force Cthulhu back down into his lair by the weight of them alone.

  17. 17
    Naked Bunny with a Whip

    Don’t make me link to TV Tropes, doctor.

  18. 18

    1. Find those amongst your minions to perform these duties

    2. ???

    3. Profit!

  19. 19

    One of my best students swears that she slipped her last two assignments under my door on Friday. I haven’t found them….

  20. 20

    To those wondering if he has slave graders, UMM doesn’t have grad students. It’s sad for the poor profs. I’m sure PZ will get in the grading zone and have them done before next week.

  21. 21


    and have them done before next week.


  22. 22
    Ogvorbis: Still failing at being human.

    To those wondering if he has slave graders, UMM doesn’t have grad students.

    I was already aware of that. That’s why I felt safe making that attempted joke. Sorry.

  23. 23
    Bob Dowling

    I’m guessing Chris Clarke didn’t read the small print about being your assistant blogger. Fifty:fifty or does he get the lot?

  24. 24

    PZ, you could say, with a sad face, that “the dog eated the exams, sorry!”.
    If works for students, why not for teachers?

  25. 25
    Markita Lynda—threadrupt

    You can have tonight off. Tomorrow,

    Throw them down the stairs. Let the cats play on them. Assign grades by the order in which they fall end up.

  26. 26

    Sounds like you’re in need of the Vader button to comfort you.

  27. 27

    for $100.00 I’ll send you a rubber stamp that randomly varies between A+ and F- with each operation…

  28. 28
    Karen Locke

    Henry Purcell’s “Come come let us drink”.

  29. 29

    During my study, I always wanted to hand in one of my usually well-written A grade assignments handwritten clumsily in crayon just to see what would happen, but, alas, we were forced to submit electronically.

  30. 30

    Embrace the multiple-choice final, Luke! I mean, PZ.

  31. 31

    Wailing, sobbing, fetal position?!

    This is not behavior I would have expected from the firebrand Vorpal Teddy Bear of Atheist Doom!

  32. 32
    Dr Marcus Hill Ph.D. (arguing from his own authority)

    I’ve made a start on my 129 items. As usual, some are already depressing me as the feedback for failing them is entirely composed of direct quotes cut and pasted from the guidance in the handbook they’ve had all semester.

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