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I Admit It: I Was Wrong About My Sexual Orientation

On this day when so many straight people are finally realizing that they are actually queer and reaping the resulting “wow dude seriously”‘s and “LMAO”‘s and “ewww”‘s on their Facebook statuses, I have had the opposite realization: I’m straight.

Yes, straight dudes who scoffed whenever I came out to you and asked how I could possibly be bisexual if I am currently dating a man or have never had a serious relationship with a woman or “just don’t seem like that type” or don’t want to have a threesome with you and your girlfriend: you were right.

First of all, I’m straight because many scientists are still apparently unsure that bisexual people exist, and everyone knows that research evidence matters more than some random girl’s opinion about her own experiences. Until researchers using deterministic and rigid categories of sexual orientation prove that bisexuality exists with the same level of certainty that mathematicians have proven that the circumference of a circle equals its diameter multiplied by pi, it would be anti-skeptical for me to claim to be one, don’t you think?

I’m straight because, let’s face it, men just have more value than women. Sure, I’ve had crushes on girls or whatever, but everyone knows that what I really want is to marry a man and have children. You know, the “natural” way. So even if I’m attracted to women, it doesn’t really matter.

In fact, if you’re attracted to men, that is the essential aspect of your sexuality no matter what. That’s why “bisexual” men are all actually gay, while “bisexual women” are all actually straight. If you’re into dudes, that’s what counts.

I was only pretending to be bisexual for the attention. You know, girls like doing stuff like that so guys will notice them. Sure, bisexual people experience both biphobia and good ol’ homophobia, and on some mental health measures fare worse than gay men, lesbians, or straight people. But I am so desperate for a guy’s attention that I will pretend to be bisexual to get it. That’s literally how desperate I am. After all, the only other thing I’ve got going for me as a person is this crappy little blog. It’s not like I have a personality or anything.

I’m straight because I started seeing guys long before I started seeing women. How could I have really known I was bisexual if I didn’t have “experience”? Unlike straight people, bisexual people do not have the luxury of being born with an innate and immutable knowledge of their own sexual orientation. Nothing–not their turn-ons, not their crushes, not their romantic daydreams–nothing besides Real Sex with someone of the same gender is sufficient to prove for certain that they are really bisexual as they say they are. And if you’re not proven to be gay, lesbian, or bisexual, then you’re automatically straight. So at any rate, I was simply lying all those closeted years.

I am straight because of the sheer power of your opinion. Since you are so utterly convinced that I am actually secretly straight, I have basically become straight. It’s like The Secret, but with other people’s sexual orientation! You are so clearly uncomfortable with the idea that I might want something other than dudes all day erryday that you have changed my mind with your iron will. Wow!

I’m straight because, as I mentioned, I don’t want to have a threesome with you and your girlfriend. There is only like a 3% chance that I want to do that, and that is just too far below the threshold to be considered properly bisexual. If I really were bisexual, I would want to have a threesome with you and your girlfriend immediately. I would also want to have a polyamorous relationship with you and your girlfriend in which you are both allowed to sleep with other people but I’m not, and I take care of your kids while you go on dates with each other or other people. Come on, what’s my problem? Anyone would jump at this opportunity. I must be straight.

I am straight because I don’t “look gay.” It’s pretty impressive that you picked up on this, but queer women actually have a slightly different bone structure than straight women, and it is said that the two groups are so genetically different so as to practically constitute two different subspecies. The winter plumage of straight women is slightly duller in color than the winter plumage of gay women, although during the summer months it can be nearly impossible to tell the two apart on sight alone. Experienced observers rely on other identifiers, such as nests, migration patterns, or calls. I guess I didn’t realize that your knowledge of these differences would be so extensive that you would immediately see through this ridiculous act I was trying to perform. Haha, you got me. I’m straight! Lol.

So, it’s time for me to come out. As straight. I will no longer argue with that dude that there is at every party I ever go to who starts spouting off about my sexual orientation as if he’s been checking my browser history. He knows better. If he says I’m straight, I’m straight. Thanks for clearing that up for me, dude.

Comments

  1. Al Dente says

    He knows better. If he says I’m straight, I’m straight. Thanks for clearing that up for me, dude.

    That’s what mansplaining is all about. :^p

  2. says

    Me too! I’m Straight! Straight! Straight! Straight! Straight! Straight! Straight! Straight! Straight! Straight! Straight! Straight! Straight!….(sigh, it’s not working dude) Oh well back on the fence for me, I like the view…..

  3. Onamission5 says

    I keep thinking that I am still bisexual even though I have been partnered to a man for so long my folks have been able to completely forget about the horror years. Thank you for, setting me, um, straight on that. ;)

    And a happy snarkday to you, seconding #6′s vote to forever make A1 into a day of satire.

  4. says

    You’re also completely straight because, though you may not be aware of this, everyone is a little bisexual, and completely straight women are even *more* a little bisexual than all the rest of everyone. So you’re even more completely straight because you thought you were bisexual. How fancy is that?

    • Azkyroth Drinked the Grammar Too :) says

      …is it God who’s trying to get her to have threesomes? O.o

  5. says

    In fact, if you’re attracted to men, that is the essential aspect of your sexuality no matter what. That’s why “bisexual” men are all actually gay, while “bisexual women” are all actually straight. If you’re into dudes, that’s what counts.

    Unhappily, that’s a little too true.

    In my late forties now, I’m also a little sick of the term “bi-curious.” At what point does a person become “bi-satisfied.”

    Though, I do have to say that my biggest problem in terms of having people disbelieve what I say about my own sexuality has come, not from straight men, but from lesbians and gay men. It was being marginalized by lesbians around twenty five to thirty years ago that caused be to identify myself as a straight woman who likes women too.

  6. Azkyroth Drinked the Grammar Too :) says

    The winter plumage of straight women is slightly duller in color than the winter plumage of gay women, although during the summer months it can be nearly impossible to tell the two apart on sight alone. Experienced observers rely on other identifiers, such as nests, migration patterns, or calls.

    DAMN YOU I’VE BEEN COUGHING ALL MORNING AND IT HURTS TO LAUGH D: D: D:

  7. HappiestSadist, Repellent Little Martyr says

    This is such a fantastic post. Especially the point about how bi men are clearly gay and bi women are obviously straight because of the way men are made the central point of all things, especially sexy things.

    • Azkyroth Drinked the Grammar Too :) says

      I think it’s more than just “men are the central point,” at least for the “bi men are gay” part – straight men who enjoy pegging and the like tend to be considered “gay” by the same fuckheads.

  8. Khoul Bheens says

    I swear to god, whenever I read your posts, I always feel that it’s sarcasm, as if you’re trying to get out an important message that people will only realize if you point out the flaws of their views, and they learn it themselves. (I mean this does prove true in some of your posts). Is that it? Is this all some form of reverse psychology? If so, you are a genius.

  9. Jacob Schmidt says

    I’m straight because, as I mentioned, I don’t want to have a threesome with you and your girlfriend. There is only like a 3% chance that I want to do that, and that is just too far below the threshold to be considered properly bisexual. If I really were bisexual, I would want to have a threesome with you and your girlfriend immediately. I would also want to have a polyamorous relationship with you and your girlfriend in which you are both allowed to sleep with other people but I’m not, and I take care of your kids while you go on dates with each other or other people. Come on, what’s my problem? Anyone would jump at this opportunity. I must be straight.

    Is that an expectation to which people actually hold you, or is this hyperbole?

    • says

      Well, it’s a satire piece, so it’s mild hyperbole. But it is definitely the case that douchebags who learn I’m bisexual are always like “threesome amirite” or “so my girlfriend and I are looking for a third.” After being asked this enough times, I have to wonder if people consider it part of the definition of bisexuality or what.

      • Jacob Schmidt says

        I was mostly asking about this bit (sorry, should have been more clear): “I would also want to have a polyamorous relationship with you and your girlfriend in which you are both allowed to sleep with other people but I’m not, and I take care of your kids while you go on dates with each other or other people.

        • says

          Yes, that seems to be a fairly common (though certainly not universal) experience of bisexual women who get brought into existing relationships in order to “spice things up.”

          Anyway, I’m not really sure what you’re asking or why. If I included it in the piece, that means it’s been an aspect of my experience in some way. This is a humor piece. It’s not going to work if you try to analyze every sentence of it.

          • Jacob Schmidt says

            Sorry, I don’t mean to doubt you or over-analyse. Having no experience with the attitudes bisexual people face, I have no conception of the extent of your (possible) hyperbole; usually when present with hyperbole/satire, I can separate the “hyperbole” part from the underlying literal truth. Thank you for explaining.

  10. Yellow Thursday says

    I’ve gone through so much of this! Until about a month ago, I was merely “bi-curious.” Because experience is what counts. Yes, all virgins are actually asexual.

  11. StevoR : Free West Papua, free Tibet, let the Chagossians return! says

    Funny you don’t look Jewish straight.

    (Referring to an old somewhat iconic joke you may know.)

    You are what you are and love who you love. That’s okay and what really matters. Be happy. Live well, do as littel harm and much good as possible.

  12. opposablethumbs says

    “bisexual” men are all actually gay, while “bisexual women” are all actually straight. If you’re into dudes, that’s what counts.

    This. This is a genius post. And damn but I wish I could be even a tiny fraction as funny.

  13. BEM says

    thank u for this, miri!

    today my heterosexual bf told me that i’m clearly not bisexual because i haven’t had sufficient experience with the same gender so it’s just not possible. i broke down a bit afterwards but i mean having your partner invalidate your sexual identity & throw out other problematic/homophobic remarks throughout the conversation will do that to you…

    -atheist&bi in LA

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