Purity Pearl


It’s time to mock a product!

I saw this claptrap at Sea Life in the Mall of America.

On the outside of the box the script reads, “Real love takes time to grow, just like this unique pearl. Experience the thrill of opening one of nature’s most perfect gifts. Please enjoy the beauty and surprise it has in store for you.”

Inside reads, “God created Women and Pearls as nature’s most beautiful gifts. Each takes time to grow to their full potential as intended. Treat both with the Respect and Love that they deserve. Love is eternal and Life should be enjoyed to the fullest.”

Awww…isn’t that… *hurls* Really? I wonder what they’re referring to when they say that “real love takes time to grow” and “Women…take time to grow”. And the thing is called a Purity Pearl… Hmmm… I dunno. It’s just all so vague.

Oh, but let’s continue the women = pearls analogy, shall we? What do we do with this symbol of purity after we’ve dug it out of the Real Oyster Shell in the kit? Well, what does one do to keep purity safe? We keep it in a cage:

Oh Sea Life… couldn’t you just stick with the over-priced cute plush turtles and sharks?

Comments

  1. coragyps says

    The banner ad up top is for Gas-X Chewables.

    How does one get there from “Purity Pearls?” Do I even want an answer to that?

  2. pipenta says

    Ollie the Oyster clarifies:

    “A pearl is not for purity,
    forgive me if I’m crass,
    but it’s what I use as moleskin,
    for the blister on my ass!”

  3. Ruf_T says

    “White for Health
    Cream for Happiness
    Peach for Love
    Lavendar for Wisdom
    Gold for Wealth”

    What my wife wanted to know was where was “Black for Johnny Depp in a pirate costume”

    Let’s face it, Captain Jack Sparrow is far more realistic than than this claptrap…

  4. says

    I thought at first it was a kit that let you grow a pearl somehow and thought hey, at least that part’s cool. But it’s not so there isn’t a single cool thing about this, not even some accidental science.

  5. Kim says

    I like the “Experience the thrill of opening one of nature’s most perfect gifts.”

    You mean the pearl or the woman?

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