What follows is a mostly true accounting of this evening’s events.
I’m a huge fan of Adam Huber’s webcomic, Bug. I’m such a fan, in fact, that tonight I went to his website looking for a merch page. I didn’t see any merch, but I did find some wallpapers. I hadn’t put a wallpaper on my laptop yet. I liked the simplicity of this one and it looked good with the way I like to configure my icons… So I thought, what the heck? and downloaded it:
It looks better when not filtered through a screen and a camera lens.
Not a full minute after I was done admiring the new wallpaper, I heard a buzz by my ear. I brushed my hair away from my face and as I turned my head slightly, I noticed my cat staring intently at the ceiling. Visions of Dr. Horrible flashed through my brain, and I thought “Thaaat’s….not…good.” as I slowly raised my eyes upward in the direction of the cat’s gaze.
You have to understand – this is Minnesota. Yes, we have giant-ass mosquitos, but I’m not used to seeing bugs in a house unless someone’s accidentally left the lid off the sugar jar for an extended period of time or there’s some sort of home hygiene situation going on. This kind of invasion is NOT normal in my experience. In the six years or so that we’ve lived at this location, we’ve only once had a problem with bugs (see aforementioned “lid off the sugar jar”).
Me, in a hushed whisper: Hubby.
Me, hushed whisper: Hubby.
Me, losing all pretense of stealth: HUBBY!
Hubby, annoyed: What!?
Me, querulously: Come here.
The Hubby comes out into the kitchen area and sees me staring at the light.
Hubby: What is it?
I point at the light and make a sort of gagging sound. He looks up, sees the bugs and recoils.
Hubby: What the hell?
Me, gloating over my completely valid reason for interrupting whatever the hell he was doing: I KNOW, right?
We frantically checked all of the screens in the house and found them to be intact, which was slightly more terrifying that finding a huge hole because now we didn’t have any idea where they were coming from. We decided to attempt to remove the lamp shade, and since it was a cheap IKEA paper lantern we voted not to save it. The Hubby would climb up on a bench, carefully remove the shade without dislodging all of the flies and calmly but quickly dash the lantern outside to the dumpster.
I started clearing the kitchen table that was underneath the light, because the bugs were hitting the hot lamp, falling to the table and wandering around in a dazed way, probably thinking in their tiny bug brains, “What the hell happened just now and why does my ass feel like it’s on fire?” I had taken to swooping in during this moment of their disorientation and smashing the little fuckers dead.
As I was clearing the table I saw my computer with it’s brand new Bug wallpaper and gasped out loud, “Adam Huber – what have you wrought!?” To which the Hubby shouted, “Are you helping or not?” because he obviously didn’t grasp the seriousness of situation like I did: I had been tricked into downloading the Bug wallpaper, which must have invoked some sort of homicidal Bug Demon that was going to slowly fill our house with flies until we suffocated under the weight of their delicate wings and hairy, spindly legs. I finished clearing the table, grumbling under my breath, “Don’t blame me when we choke on fly eggs tonight, my friend. I tried to warn you.”
Finally we were ready to commence Operation: Get Those Bloody Flies Out of My Kitchen. The Hubby climbed up on the bench, gently unclipped the shade from the lamp, muttered, “Put down the damn camera and get the door” and then swooped outside with his trophy.
Most of the bugs stayed inside the shade – success!
That was the worst part of the ordeal. After that it was just gross clean-up:
Me smooshing flies as they fall to the table.
Take that, assholes!
It all seemed to be winding down, but now that there was a bare bulb the flies came out in greater numbers than before, hit the bulb in greater numbers that before, and thus were falling onto the table and my laptop in greater numbers than before. I weighed my options and decided to go with ignorance over solutions. I shut off the kitchen light, the bugs flew off to other, more well-light areas of the apartment and I was able to continue working in the dark on my laptop. Until some of the bugs realized that my laptop was now the brightest light in the area. They started to land right on the screen as I was typing this, taunting me. Seriously. I could see their gross little antennae bouncing as they giggled.
Fine. You win, bugs. I retreated to the bedroom, shut the door and set up shop on the bed. I had to put my hair up in a bun because the stray hairs on my shoulders kept making me think flies were crawling on me. Ewwwwww.
Okay. That’s about it. If you happen to read any news stories in the next couple of days about a Minneapolis couple being found dead in their apartment, choked to death on flies, you’ll know what happened. And you can totally blame Adam Huber. I know I will.
Bug is a funny, quirky, at times absurdy webcomic. You can check it out here. And I’m sure Adam Huber is a really nice guy who didn’t know what kind of Hell-on-Earth his innocent-seeming, generously free wallpaper would create. I totes forgive you, Adam.