Now Showing: Mittens of Romney vs. Newton of Gingrich in The Bainwreck

I don’t know if you’ve been keeping up on the latest comedy stylings of the GOP traveling clown-car show. Latest update in pure text — I’m working without links here folks! The pro Mittens but absolutely-not-coordinated with Romney SuperPAC laid down a beating on Gingrich in New Hampshire by pointing out what lying, cheating sack of shit he is, and now a pro Newt but completely-unconnected to Gingrich SuperPAC is returning the favor by pointing out that Romney is a spoiled corporate maggot who went from rich to filthy chomping its way through the corpse of the middle class. Rick Perry joined in the feeding frenzy on Willard at least temporarily, but his true appetite for rotting flesh remains to be seen.

SuperPACS are entities made possible by the Supreme Court in a case referred to as Citizens United. They allow unlimited funding from anybody, anywhere, as long as they do not “coordinate” with the official campaign. This is such a sweet gig with such giant loopholes I’ve seriously considered starting one myself. The SPACS don’t have to disclose who or what those nobody donors are, or how much they gave, or even where the money was spent. At the time of that highly partisan SCOTUS decision there was much rejoicing in Wingnutville. Today, not so much. The idea for Super PACS was initially Super popular on the Super right because, hey, the Casino Jack’s and Kochhores of the politico-corporate world figured, with unlimited cash in small unmarked bills, it was gonna be feasible to bash the living shit out of democrats with saturation media bombing. No precision or brains required. But they miscalculated. Or didn’t care.

Citizens arrived in time for the GOP primary season, and like a scorpion riding on the back of a frog, they just could not fucking help themselves. The PACarinos for Mitt and Newt have trained their Super smear guns on each other with great enthusiasm, it happens they both have a lot of ugly, ugly material on the other guy to work with, the end result is we get to watch senior GOP Psychlos eat their own with the usual minions caught wide-eyed and dazzled in the sectarian crossfire. I confess, it is oddly refreshing. We can only hope the summer sequel, The Bainwreck, where right-wing religious grifters try mightily to persuade their theological brethren, AKA marks, to vote for a white conservative heretic over a progressive African-American Christian, without looking too racist or committing obvious blasphemy, is anywhere near as entertaining. 

The primary sure is gonna be a hard act to follow. But consider the casting: Mittens is not just any conservative heretic mind you, he’s one who promised he would “not waver” on a women’s right to choose, took dirty government handouts in the guise of free market capitalism, and created a successful blue print for the Hated Obamacare — let’s not even mention the millions thousands tens of jobs he says he created. Minor characters include a small government libtard who wants to keep the fed out of your bidness and all up in your uterus and penis where it belows. I’m sure it’s all very confusing, especially for the easily confused. Hell, it’s confusing to me. Today on Fox a pro Mittens conservative commentator was prattling on about how religion doesn’t or shouldn’t matter (W-hat?), and another anti-Mittens pundit was tying herself in knots in what looked like a futile effort to wave around the foul stench of vulture capitalism without coming off like the ‘liberal fucksticks’ both talking meatheads so despise. One wonders, one speculates, one worries about inter-dimensional portals and quasi-parallel worlds.

Viewed as performance art, the whole thing has been surprisingly superb theatre, exceeding all expectations! Looking ahead, there’ll be a debate next week, followed another Republican primary on Saturday, Jan 21, in the deep blood-red bowels of South Carolina, which could act as a preview for the full Fall production. It is so surreal and yet so fake, I half expect a leggy carton of Milkduds to dance across the screen singing “Let’s All Go To The Lobby” at some point during the debate or primary coverage.


  1. howardpeirce says

    Let’s put on our tinfoil hats, shall we? Everything in the Republican primary makes perfect sense as long as you assume that a shadowy cabal of international power brokers* has already decided who the eventual nominee will be. Everything else is circuses for the masses.

    So here’s the thing: Mitt Romney is going to be the Republican candidate. No other answer is even remotely possible. Romney will lose the general election, and everyone who matters will say that this is because he’s a Mormon, but it’s really because the Inebriati have more to gain from Obama’s continued presidency.

    Does this all sound like the ravings of a paranoid conspiracy theorist? Of course it does. But in the world of politics, it’s a testable predictive heuristic, and that’s a helluva lot better than you’ll get from TV.

    I remain, as always, glad to be wrong.

    * Let us call them the Inebriati, because it’s f’in hilarious.

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