Yet another article that has made me define 2016 as April Fool’s Year. True, I do not usually hate myself enough to put myself through regularly reading things written by Milo Yiannopoulos, nor much of anything that is posted on Breitbart, and I am sure that there are many things there that I would find ridiculous enough to double check the date on my calendar. But when I saw a shared article entitled Animals That Are Not Delicious or Useful Deserve to Be Extinct, I simply couldn’t help myself.
Step 1: Source check. It is not the Onion, nor the Daily Mash, but rather Breitbart. O.K.
Step 2: Date check. It was originally posted in August. Oh well… here goes.
What follows is a childish tirade, somewhat tongue-in-cheek, of all the animals that Milo personally finds annoying.
Let’s get one thing straight: animals are here for our culinary enjoyment, our utility, and occasionally our comedic pleasure. Basically the rule is: if you can’t eat it or ride it, it is pointless. I’m always telling friends to “go green.” What they don’t realise I mean is: eat a turtle.
You see, it’s not necessary to like animals just because they’re “cute,” and indeed the fawning baby-talk and excessive sentimentality showered on these dumb beasts by bleeding-heart liberals in fact only makes right-thinking people like Mr. Treacher and I deeply suspicious.
Would you, for instance, even notice if there were no more MACAQUES?
No. Animals are not people, and quite frankly it’s pathetic the way some of you have been carrying on recently. These wild creatures are not your friends: a brave, noble lion just mauled the hell out of a safari guide in the park Cecil was from.
In the words of Mr. Treacher: Lions and tigers and bears, just die! Here are a few endangered animals we should push off the cliff.
While the tone of it is clearly ironic, his anthropocentric mentality and sheer ignorance virtually bleeds from the screen. Even if you somewhat accept his view of only keeping the animals that are useful to humans, his profound ignorance is evident in the specific animals he would choose to do away with.
BEES. I like wasps. Wasps are nasty fuckers. They can sting you over and over again until you’re bleeding and in agony. I like wasps for the same reason I like Kanye West: because I’m a dick. But bees? Well, they’re crap, aren’t they? One stab and they’re dead. What monumental moron came up with that? Bees are the most powerful argument against the existence of God I can think of. I know everyone says without bees there’d be no us because their whole pollination schtick is, like, really important to the delicate balance of Mother Gaia’s ecosystemic harmony or whatever. But I’d like to test that theory.
Mother Gaia’s ecosystemic harmony, otherwise known as our entire fucking agricultural system, not to mention the honey that many of them produce but hey, who gives a shit about food and all that.
So Milo, animals that are not either delicious or useful deserve to be extinct? Unfortunately for the central thesis of your argument, that includes you. As a multicellular eukaryotic organism which ingests other multicellular organisms for survival, you are an animal. You clearly are not useful, and I would hazard a guess that you are not delicious either. So, by you’re own logic, you deserve extinction.
I’m a bleeding heart SJW however, so I’ll content myself with you just going away.