Tis the season for watching little ducklings following their mothers around in your local park pond. There are few things in this world that are cuter than a baby duck, amirite? Many of you will also have fond memories of feeding those ducks in the park as children, some of you will even have fond memories of feeding them as adults, because there is just something oddly satisfying about feeding cute passive animals and watching them gobble it up.
Well, feeling like I’ll be emulating Adam Ruins Everything here, I’m going to have to ruin ducks for you. Both the fond memories of feeding them, and their image as cute, passive, quacky little paddling angels.
If you really do actually like ducks though, I urge you to keep reading, at least the first part, lest you want to fall into the trap of anthropocentrism and do them far more harm than good.
I’m sure you guessed what I’m going to say for the first part of this post right?
Please, everyone, stop feeding the damned ducks.
Actually, that is not entirely accurate. What I meant to say, is
Please stop feeding the ducks white bread
I cannot tell you how bad this is for the ducks you think you’re “helping”. They may gobble up the bread in apparent enjoyment, but it is doing them more harm than you can imagine. But hey, images say it best, right? So here are a few of the damage you are inadvertently causing:
That goose looks funny, right? Let the meme explain
Ducks can die due to infection, increased predation, cold and malnutrition, or grow with serious deformities, all because we insist on feeding them bread.
All is not lost though! You don’t have to forgo feeding the ducks completely, you just have to change what it is you are feeding them. There is a list, including oats, birdseed, mealworms, and chopped lettuce. Still try to avoid overdoing it, though, as any leftover food can still rot and promote bacterial growth.
So, that takes care of the first part. Now comes the second, wackier side.
If you want to cling to their image as passive, meditative angelic creatures, stop reading now.
Seriously, this part is not for your children’s ears
OK, I warned you!
The fact is, ducks are known for having some pretty out there sexual habits.
Nowadays, homosexuality in the animal kingdom is something that is well documented and widely accepted. However, initially, Zoologists were hesitant to record such acts because they doubted what they were seeing. In the 90s, Zoologists started cottoning on and documenting this behaviour, and Kees Moeliker was no exception, when he watched a male duck get it on for 75 minutes with another duck which was not only male, but dead. Who wouldn’t want to author a paper with such a fabulous title as The first case of homosexual necrophilia in the mallard!
Duck sex is not only limited to the homosexual and necrophiliac varieties. Ducks are also fond of the “gang rape” model, where several males will fly after an unwilling female, until one manages to grab her and mount her. Their corckscrew-shaped penises make it very hard for her to get away after that.
So there you have it. Ducks, great fun to feed, kinky bastards in the sheets.