There are many stories of people being mortified when they ask someone, even someone they know, whom they think is pregnant how far along they are only to discover that the person is not pregnant at all. But women say that they have been astonished at how the visible signs of their pregnancy seem to give total strangers the impression that they have license to make personal remarks and give advice. Someone named Jax tweeted her response when some officious stranger gave her unsolicited and unwelcome advice.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
— Jax ⚡️ (@Diamond_Jax) August 2, 2019
Her tweet prompted a lot of responses from other women recounting their own experiences and how strange it was to suddenly find people thinking that their bodies were now communal property.
It is not just pregnancy. I have a friend whose chemotherapy resulted in hair loss, a common side effect. She described how a strange woman at a store asked her if she had had breast cancer and a mastectomy and my friend did not rebuff her but answered yes. She was astonished when the woman then asked her which breast had been removed! That was too much even for my always courteous friend.
It s weird how some people cannot recognize personal boundaries.
That’s not what I took away from this little vignette.
This is what I took away:
Bah.
John Morales
*woosh*
Nah, chigau. I entirely get the intended point, I just think it’s petty.
Someone was intrusively rude, and got a comeuppance via a deliberate lie resulting in seriously embarrassing the rude person. Right?
How is it petty?
Would,
“Mind your own business, asshole.”
be petty?
chigau, being rhetorical with me? Heh.
Petty it might be (depends), no result is adduced in your hypothetical, unlike the example at hand.
But it would neither be malicious nor dishonest, that’s for sure.
Lying about being pregnant to embarrass an intrusive wanker -- an act of malice!
Good one, John.
That’s exactly how many people see it. That’s the kind of belief that is used to justify bans/restrictions on abortions.
Although, some people think that women’s bodies are public property even while they are not pregnant. Why else would women have to fight for access to birth control and their right to stay childfree by choice?
By the way, trans people get this shit too. A lot. “Have you had a genital surgery?” “You are such a cute girl. You shouldn’t want to live as a man.” “You shouldn’t get a surgery, you will later regret it.” And so on.
@John Morales
If you think that other people treating your body like public property is no big deal, then you are welcome not to get upset about it whenever it happens to you. But you shouldn’t tell other people how they should react to unwelcome “advice” aka attempts to police what they do with their bodies.
Whenever some random stranger tries to tell me what to do with my body and violates every imaginable rule about common sense and politeness, I get pissed off. I occasionally lie in my responses. I want to verbally hurt the asshole, so I will tell them whatever words are most effective at making them regret messing with me. When some person is rude to me, I believe that I don’t owe them honesty or politeness in return.
John @3:
Someone got a short, sharp (and, I suspect, effective) lesson in proper behaviour, for what I judge to be a relatively small price. “deliberate lie”. Deliberate yes, but not gratuitous. “seriously embarrassing”? Was medical attention required, do you think?
By the way, telling women what they should do with their bodies is what’s malicious. If a woman tried to buy coffee and got pestered only once in her lifetime, then the situation could be excused as a no big deal. Unfortunately, these kinds of events happen to women on a regular basis. Strangers will annoy them again and again and again. What was described in this tweet wasn’t an isolated incident but only one of the many incidents experienced in a woman’s lifetime. This kind of shit happens to most women regardless of whether they have children.
For example, last time I bought cigarettes and beer, the shop assistant told me that I shouldn’t be smoking or drinking alcohol. The goods were actually for my uncle. He’s buying them on a regular basis, but no shop assistant ever tells a man that he shouldn’t be drinking and smoking. When I participated in a public debate about whether people aged between 18 and 21 years should be allowed to drink, an elderly woman criticized me for defending drinking among young people. She didn’t criticize any of the other debaters about the same. The catch was that other members of my debate club were male, and the lady explicitly said that it is wrong for a woman to either drink alcohol or defend its consumption among young people.
Alternatively, people have routinely given me unwelcome advice about what clothes I should be wearing. When I mention that I intend to remain childfree, people routinely express their unwelcome opinions about how I should have children. When I tell people about my struggles with getting a hysterectomy due to transphobic surgeons kicking me out of their offices, I periodically get told that I shouldn’t have this surgery. And let’s not forget unwelcome touching. No stranger has ever touched my stomach (I’m thin, and I don’t look as if I were pregnant), but according to some people my other body parts, mostly my butt, are free game for groping.
Combined, all of these instances of strangers violating a woman’s boundaries add up and make women really pissed off. For a good reason.
Never mind how dumb all this “advice” is. Women discuss their medical conditions and their diets during pregnancy with their doctors. Some stranger at Starbucks isn’t a doctor familiar with said woman’s medical history. Thus this stranger might as well keep the “knowledgeable advice” to themselves.
Ony Jax, way to go girl.
@ AA -- But look at me, I’M TRANS so the post has to be all about ME.
Way to go, yet again trying to erase the daily struggles of women, women who have to fight daily for their rights, but nah, I’M TRANS and it’s all about me.
When I tell people about my struggles with getting a hysterectomy due to transphobic surgeons kicking me out of their offices, I periodically get told that I shouldn’t have this surgery.
Is the surgery a medical necessity? Or a vanity, like getting my balls waxed?
MY CIS Stepdaughter has been denied a hysterectomy, not because the doctors are CIS phobic, but because they do not believe it is a medical necessity and it is a decision she may later regret as she is still in her prime childbearing years.
In your case, you describe yourself as a woman who obviously looks and behaves like a woman, so what makes your trans status matter when you book with a gynecologist/\?
jess, I find yours a most jaundiced reading, and it is you who belabours the trans topic.
Um, this is the very opposite of erasing:
* “Although, some people think that women’s bodies are public property even while they are not pregnant. Why else would women have to fight for access to birth control and their right to stay childfree by choice?”
* “By the way, telling women what they should do with their bodies is what’s malicious. If a woman tried to buy coffee and got pestered only once in her lifetime, then the situation could be excused as a no big deal. Unfortunately, these kinds of events happen to women on a regular basis. Strangers will annoy them again and again and again. What was described in this tweet wasn’t an isolated incident but only one of the many incidents experienced in a woman’s lifetime. This kind of shit happens to most women regardless of whether they have children.”
* “Combined, all of these instances of strangers violating a woman’s boundaries add up and make women really pissed off. For a good reason.”
As for the trans thingy: “By the way, trans people get this shit too. A lot.”
Hardly making it all about themself.
You’re not familiar with the concept of intersectionality?
(And what makes you imagine Andreas’ experience was any different to your stepdaughter?)
It comes as a shock, but once a woman’s pregnant belly sticks out far enough, it is as though it becomes public property. Not just comments and advice, but physical pats on the belly are occasionally proffered by total strangers. It is as though the fetus is sending out a calling card to the world, “Here I am! Make friends with my mother, she’ll be needing the help of other mothers (and fathers) soon!” Parents respond to the fetal invitation. It is at first unwelcome, but the expectant mom soon becomes inured to the violation of privacy. She recognizes her very pregnant belly belongs to the world -- instead of just herself. The comments, advice and pats then become less offensive and more like a handshake -- a friendly and even customary acknowledgement of the baby to be. It is an omen of the future, too. The expectant mom thinks the baby is all hers, but once it is born, the baby belongs to the world.
Oh let’s face it, loads of people just can’t keep their big, stupid mouths shut and can’t keep their grimy monkey paws to themselves.
@11 John Morales
Jess’s entire, 100%, presence on these blogs has been about shitting on trans people. This is more of the same, changing the subject and using someone else’s bad experiences just for an opportunity to take a petty shot at the people she considers inferior.