How to prepare for the end of the world

What with the hustle and bustle of this time of year, I had completely forgotten that the world is due to end on December 21 as the Mayans predicted.

I am a bit confused by this apocalypse. If this was predicted by the Mayans, does this mean that it does not involve the second coming of Jesus, as prophesied in the Book of Revelation? And if so, wouldn’t Jesus be ticked off when he comes later on his big day with a sword emanating from his mouth to lay waste to the Antichrist in the showdown at the OK Corral, he finds that the show is already over?

Or were the ancient Mayans in cahoots with Jesus and this is a joint production?

Whatever the case, John Hodgman tells up how to prepare for the event. And it involves mayonnaise. Lots of mayonnaise.


  1. Psychopomp Gecko says

    Ok, so here’s what we do to prevent the end of the world. 1st. We gotta get off these damn fossil fuels. Look into something like solar, wind, or even nuclear energy. Nuclear helps somewhat, and is better by far then coal. 2nd. Some scientists suggest we put something in the air to help cool things down. Look into it. 3rd Methane frozen in ice…wait, what’s that? Oh, y’all want to ignore the scientists warning about the real, verified collapse of civilization and focus on buying the Mayans a new stone calender. Oh, sure, that makes sense.

  2. AsqJames says

    If the Mayan’s were so good at predicting the future how come they didn’t see the Spanish coming? And wouldn’t that have been a more accurate date for their own personal/societal “end of the world” anyway?

  3. elpayaso says

    Marcus—last time i was in Quintana Roo, many of the road signs were in Quechan as well as Spanish. so i understand what you’re saying, but the answer is not entirely an unqualified “yes”.

  4. Kevin K says

    I admit that I’ve allowed myself to get sucked into gaping black hole of stupid that is the End-of-the-World scenarios that revolve around 12-21-12.

    You have no idea just how far down the rabbit hole some people have gone. There are still thousands — if not millions — of people who think a giant freaking PLANET is heading straight towards Earth but all of the astronomers are still hiding it from us. There are those who insist that the entire planet’s surface is going to dramatically shift so that South America will end up at the North Pole. This is obviously a misunderstanding of the possible shift of the magnetic poles, but try telling them that.

    Jesus is coming, the Illuminati are preparing bunkers for a New World Order, world leaders are cancelling all travel plans to head to those bunkers.

    Oh, and just in case the planet doesn’t hit us, we’re going to enter a new age of spiritual bliss. Or the folks at CERN are going to cause a global catastrophe that will be augmented by the “particle accelerators” that are the Mayan pyramids. (I only wish I were making that up.)

    It’s just nucking futs. And if you politely point out just how completely crazy anyone would be to believe such nonsense, you’re accused of either being 1) part of the Illuminati (or a Mason, same thing), or 2) sheeple who will be a “slave” in the New World Order.

    Dec. 22 will not change their minds, either.

    It’s actually kinda fun. It’s more interesting than “Castle” reruns.

  5. Tracey says

    Hey, I quite enjoy Castle re-runs! Nobody takes Castle seriously, not even himself.–a refreshing change from my email in-box full of “we’re all gonna DIE!” crap from crazy relatives and associates.

  6. stonyground says

    I’m afraid that I can’t tell whether this guy is genuine or a satire. I know that there is a word for the notion that it is impossible to create a spoof that is absurd enough to stop at least one person from believing that it is genuine and I can’t remember it. A godwin is the one that says that if a thread gets beyond a certain length it is more or less certain that someone will mention Hitler. A Sokal is the one where you submit a satirical piece of work to idiots who take it as genuine. What is the one that applies to certain things being impossible to parody?

    Presumably, the idiots who think that the world will end on the 21st are going to have three days to get their Christmas shopping in when it doesn’t happen, or they are going to have no friends in 2013.

  7. baal says

    John Hodgeman is a daily show correspondent. He’s trying to gain interest to support his carrier in comedy. It’s safe to assume this is parody / satire.

  8. baal says

    I haz my zombie shot gun!*

    “Iä! Iä! Cthulhu Fhtagn!”**

    *Actually, I don’t own any guns
    **this one is worth learning. Wouldn’t you just feel safer knowing that you’re prepared*** should he awake from the death that is his sleep?****
    ***to die presumably first in line
    ****I don’t apologize to pascal for this.

  9. Doug Little says

    If the Mayan’s were so good at predicting the future how come they didn’t see the Spanish coming?

    Because no one expects the Spanish Inquisition… Bada Bing. I’ll be here all week.

  10. Doug Little says

    of people who think a giant freaking PLANET is heading straight towards Earth but all of the astronomers are still hiding it from us.

    So that would assume that thousands of amateurs are keeping quiet about it as well, Hell if a planet sized object was going to hit us in 9 days, you could see it with the naked eye or a good pair of binoculars.

  11. thebookofdave says

    Where are the Mayans when you need them? They could have fixed this problem at any time, simply by carving the next era’s long-count calendar into a rock face. That would have given us a 5800 year extension, just enough time to implement a permanent solution.

    This will end up just like Y2K. All commerce, government, and infrastructure that explicitly relies on Mayan chronology will grind to a halt on the 22nd. All software using Mayan date/time format can be expected to crash. A worldwide run on mayonnaise will lead to riots, as depleted stocks cause mass panic.

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