How Not To Get A Position In My Lab

Dear Professor Comradde PhysioProffe:

I am writing to apply for a position in your labbe. My scientific interests are focused on {twenty word multi clause verbiage copy-pasted from my labbe Web site}.


  1. Trebuchet says

    Dear Proffesorre Comradde Physioproffe:

    I am writing to apply for a positionne in your labbe. My fucken interestes are fucken cattes, fucken Italian cuisine, cattes, fucken Japanese cuisine, cattes, fucken republican filthe, and, of course, cattes.

    I’m really not just trying to sucke uppe, I also hate the fucken Yankees.

  2. minxatlarge says

    Also, cattes.

    I suspect that the hapless applicant thought that the letter and resume would be processed by some computer system that looked for exact matches with…

    Oh fucke it. Was a lazzee persone, yes?

  3. No Nonsense Landlord says

    People nowadays have lost the ability to think. At least you did not get a text that said they were applying….

  4. says

    The ones I like are the letters I occasionally get to human resources at asking me about open positions. Uh, like, I have open positions on my personal website? I sometimes respond that I have a very low-paying job open, in my HR department, which involves sending wise-ass emails to dumbasses who ask me about jobs at I stopped doing that after one guy asked me what it pays and whether there were medical benefits and a stock option plan. True story.

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