Note To Pedestrians (UPDATED)

If you aren’t fucken drunke, you’ve got no fucken excuse not to walk in a goddamn motherfucken straight line. So don’t weave all over the goddamn sidewalk and make a goddamn motherfucken nuisance of yourself (unless you’re fucken drunke, in which case, go in peace).

UPDATE: If you’ve got a neurological or other problem with balance, then you should also go in peace. But if you are just a meandering dippeshitte, then fucke you: walk in a goddamn motherfucken straight line.


  1. says

    Um… some people have balance issues. I have damage to my inner ear, for example, which means I often find it difficult to judge my balance and I fall or stumble. Perhaps rather than thinking someone is just a ‘a goddamn motherfucken nuisance’ you should wonder whether they might be acting like that for a reason. They could have been unwell. Geesh!

  2. Lithified Detritus says

    I second Haley’s comment, and appreciate that you have acknowledged that reality. Mrs. Detritus has a chronic and incurable neurological disorder that can cause her to walk unsteadily and stumble at times. I certainly want her to go in peace.

  3. says

    Note to drivers: If the little anthropologists and I are in a crosswalk obeying all traffic laws, not being jerks, walking as quickly as the smallest child is able, in a mostly straight line, you’ve go no fucken excuse to scare the crap out of us and make us all stop while you race through the intersection and act all mad. If you are unable to drive, for whatever reason, don’t get behind the wheel and exceed the speed limits at my kids’ school. (I’m looking at you, dude in the forest-green Four Runner from this morning.)

  4. says

    Meniere’s disease here paired with migraine-induced vertigo.
    Just be glad I’ve recovered enough that I’m not actually laying in the sidewalk like I used to have to occasionally.

  5. says

    You what? Pedestrians have absolute right of way on all parts of the Queen’s Highway except motorways, where they are not allowed. And even when some emergency has forced a pedestrian onto a motorway, drivers are still expected to give way to them.

  6. fuckesatonne says

    Dude. I have to check my fucking phone every 30 seconds or I go into withdrawal. HOW do you expect me to walk in a straight line while I’m doing that?? Get the fuck over your fucking self.

    (To the anthropologist with the offspring: at least the green SUV asshole didn’t honk! This has happened to me while crossing the road with small children. So many jaw-droppingly stupid people in the world.)

  7. says

    My favorite is when a group of two or three people decide they must all walk abreast, at a snail’s pace, and monopolize as much sidewalk bandwidth as possible. You know, about 3/4 of a person-width between everyone, arms swinging wide, pausing occasionally to admire the scenery, but of course they’ll start moving again if you try to pass them. Fukke!

  8. eeke says

    I’m with theetar. Where’s Moby Dick? I feel like I am losing IQ points by reading some of this crap. And if you’re not quick enough to avoid colliding with stumbling drunks or neurologically-challenged people, either slow down or stay off the sidewalk, old man.

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