A Fucken Deer And A Fucken Idiot Meet In The Woods

I’m jogging this morning out in a semi-wild area. As I am going over a small bridge spanning a decent sized stream, I hear a huge splash. I look down to the water, and see a huge buck that had bounded over the fence bordering the bridge plummeting into the water.

Then I look forward, and at the far end of the bridge, there is a small deer. It sees me, and is clearly terrified, and is trying to escape the far end of the bridge. However, it is blocked by a gate at the end and the fences along the sides and, unlike the buck, is too small to bound over the fence and into the stream.

So I, in the heat of the moment, climb over the fence bordering the bridge, shimmy along the bridge on the outside, and then descend onto the far bank of the stream. As soon as I let go of the bridge, I slip down onto my side and start to slide down the bank–which was soft goopy mud–into the motherfucken stream. So I reach out and grab hold of a tree trunk, stop my slide, scurry back up the bank and onto the gravel road I was heading for in the first place.

While I am haplessly fuckeing uppe like this on the stream bank, the small deer sees that the coast is clear, and runs away to freedom across the bridge in the direction I originally came from, which is not blocked by any gate or fences. I look down at myself, and I am completely coated in mud, and my hand is bleeding like a motherfucker, as I had bruised and slashed it open on the tree that I grabbed to prevent my slide into the motherfucken stream.

I have absolutely no explanation for why I didn’t simply run back across the motherfucken bridge in the direction I originally came from, get out of the small deer’s way, and allow it to escape to freedom without fuckeing myself uppe on the bank of the stream.


  1. katkinkate says

    I’m sure the deer appreciated your sacrifice. Or at least had a good laugh and now has a good story to tell all the other deer. :) Hope your hand and your bruises are feeling better now. It was very nice of you to be willing to sacrifice your convenience and composure for the deer’s feelings.

  2. Francisco Bacopa says

    At least there weren’t any rattlesnakes. Last time I slid down a clay creekbank there was a canebrake rattler there. While I am now happy to have seen so beautiful a snake, it was not fun at the time.

    Another time I was trying to catch some Gambusia for my aquarium in a concrete lined culvert. I misjudged the climb and slid into the water. I got my fish, but then had to climb back out. I held the top of my specimin bag in my teeth. I had no other handhold but some kind of weird bush growing in a crack in the concrete. I had to get out that way as I was in a rail yard with not a lot of pedestrian traffic to call upon for help. So I clawed my way back up, dragging my head and body through the shrub. Oh, the shrub was govered in thousands of little burrs. They weren’t pokeythey sere VELCRO, tiny hairs shaped like hooks. Took me hours to get the burrs out of my hair. Turns out the burrs were seed pods with four tiny seeds.

  3. F says

    Who the hell closed the damned gate on one end of the bridge? Wait – why are there gates?

    Whatever, I admire both the buck’s actions and yours. (Well, the buck may not have been thinking too clearly if he was buddied up with the other deer.)

    Or maybe you sensed something, and the buck knew something, about this other deer. Maybe it wasn’t terrified at all.

  4. Dago Red says

    I live in deer territory too — the older ones I don’t mind too much because they seem to understand reality and get the hell out of my way, but the younger ones; there aren’t many animals quite as dumb as a fawn. It’s a good thing their so damned cute, otherwise…well, let’s just say I have alway found “Bambi vs Godzilla” particularly satisfying as well as amusing.

  5. says

    It was a spur-of-the-moment thing, I guess. You did something impulsive and heroic. Make sure the cut on your hand is clean and anointed with an antibiotic or even iodine. Just stay away from the big deer. They can and will kill people with their sharp hooves.

  6. canadian says

    Glad you are ok and little deer recovered its freedom. Have a nice day CPP and take it easy.

  7. lrah says

    No explanation? When there’s a sensible and a badass way of doing something, *clearly* one goes for the latter. Makes for far better anecdotes (or blog posts, as it were).

  8. says

    You did something impulsive and heroic.

    Dude, he just moved out of the way. It’s not like he shimmied into a burning building and pulled the adorable baby deer out with his teeth.

    I’m going to not hit some old ladies in crosswalks today. Now that’s heroic.

  9. blindrobin says

    You were supposed to whip out your K-bar and bring home dinner. What kinda Merkin are you innywaze?

  10. dean says

    If you had turned around a few gone back, this post would be boring. Did you need stitches in your hand?

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