Russia’s latest weapon: ZOMBIES!

Russia has suffered somewhere north of a quarter million — possibly approaching a half million — casualties in their war with Ukraine, but there’s nothing to worry about, since their dead troops are getting resurrected! Trust the words of Artemiy Vladimirov, Archpriest of the Russian Orthodox Church.

Vladimirov played along and replied, “In war, there are no unbelievers! When you are facing physical death, every fiber of your soul comes alive. Right now, there are many wonderful testimonies of Christ’s victory over death. My wife sends me many military testimonies and video clips. Before Lent, I watched a video about one Chinese man who participated in the special military operation. A bullet hit him in the stomach, destroying all of his insides. He died from this and then was resurrected.”

Vladimirov continued to spin the tale, claiming, “Saint Luke of Crimea appeared to him and completely healed him, his insides were fully restored. He was baptized along with his relatives, all of them are photographed together, dressed in white clothes, baptized into our Orthodox Church.”

Ukraine should be worried when the zombie hordes mob their country, and when the enemy they shoot simply rises back up and continues the charge. They need to be informed to aim for the head, not the stomach.

Also of concern:

Vladimirov is no stranger to spreading idiosyncratic fibs. In 2019, he claimed to have communicated with Charles Darwin from beyond the grave and alleged that the scientist repented for his theory of evolution and renounced his own hypothesis about the origin of species.

Y’all worried now? So believable.


  1. felixmagister says

    I always thought referring to the Russian soldiers as “orcs” was in sort of bad taste, but, if they’re serving a Necromancer, maybe it’s a simple statement of fact.

  2. mordred says

    And of course his archpriestiness proves how wonderfull facing physical death is and how strong his faith in Jesus by fighting on the frontlines everyday, right?

  3. cartomancer says

    That is a particularly Necromancer-appropriate beard he’s sporting there.

  4. robro says

    I thought silver bullets were the answer. Also crosses! Aren’t the undead supposed the tools of the Devil? Why is the head of a major Christian church praising this phenomena?

  5. Tethys says

    It’s as believable as Potemkin villages. Why do these orthodox dudes all look like Rasputin?

  6. robro says

    I can’t find anything about this guy. Patriarch Kiril is the main guy and friend of Putin.

  7. Akira MacKenzie says

    GASP! How dare you attack this man’s deeply held spiritual beliefs! I mean, bigotry like this that will just drive people to vote for Trump in November!

    No! I don’t care how “ridiculous” the idea of zombies soldier sounds! You can’t prove it’s NOT happening and it’s no one’s place to determine if someone’s religion is real or not! It’s his belief and, in the name of pluralism and multiculturalism, it’s perfectly valid and we MUST respect it!

    At least that’s what I keep hearing when I bash any religion these days. Evidently, atheists are back on the top of the Pariah List.

  8. nomdeplume says

    Is the increasing level of world insanity accelerating in the 21st century?

  9. John Morales says

    [Rate of change of acceleration is known as ‘jerk’, nomdeplume]

  10. wsierichs says

    Well, he and his fellow clergy are certainly safe from zombies. Zombies need brains, so they would starve to a second death if they tried to live off of the content of clerical heads.

  11. Walter Solomon says

    Zombie soldiers would make a good plot for a film or video game.

    And I thought Evangelical “faith healers” were goofy. The Russians took it to a new level of absurdity. I didn’t think the Orthodox Church was this ridiculous.

  12. John Morales says

    Quid pro quo, Walter.


    Part of the regime’s strategy is to raise a generation of soldiers and ideologues, and so the schoolbooks and the school culture have been altered. Same old same old.

    Vlad Vexler thinks the regime, at this point, needs the war to continue (well, the struggle against the West) in order to stay in power. Sounds plausible to me.

    So, this is part of that. The religious part.

  13. John Morales says


    A recent article:

    In “Russia, Remastered,” The Washington Post documents the historic scale of the changes Putin is carrying out and has accelerated with breathtaking speed during two years of brutal war even as tens of thousands of Russians have fled abroad. It is a crusade that gives Putin common cause with China’s Xi Jinping as well as some supporters of former president Donald Trump. And it raises the prospect of an enduring civilizational conflict to subvert Western democracy and — Putin has warned — even threatens a new world war.

    To carry out this transformation, the Kremlin is:

    ∗ Forging an ultraconservative, puritanical society mobilized against liberal freedoms and especially hostile to gay and transgender people, in which family policy and social welfare spending boost traditional Orthodox values.
    ∗ Reshaping education at all levels to indoctrinate a new generation of turbo-patriot youth, with textbooks rewritten to reflect Kremlin propaganda, patriotic curriculums set by the state and, from September, compulsory military lessons taught by soldiers called “Basics of Security and Protection of the Motherland,” which will include training on handling Kalashnikov assault rifles, grenades and drones.
    ∗ Sterilizing cultural life with blacklists of liberal or antiwar performers, directors, writers and artists, and with new nationalistic mandates for museums and filmmakers.
    ∗ Mobilizing zealous pro-war activism under the brutal Z symbol, which was initially painted on the side of Russian tanks invading Ukraine but has since spread to government buildings, posters, schools and orchestrated demonstrations.
    ∗ Rolling back women’s rights with a torrent of propaganda about the need to give birth — young and often — and by curbing ease of access to abortions, and charging feminist activists and liberal female journalists with terrorism, extremism, discrediting the military and other offenses.
    ∗ Rewriting history to celebrate Joseph Stalin, the Soviet dictator who sent millions to the gulag, through at least 95 of the 110 monuments in Russia erected during Putin’s time as leader. Meanwhile, Memorial, a human rights group that exposed Stalin’s crimes and shared the 2022 Nobel Peace Prize, was shut down and its pacificist co-chairman Oleg Orlov, 71, jailed.
    ∗ Accusing scientists of treason; equating criticism of the war or of Putin with terrorism or extremism; and building a new, militarized elite of “warriors and workers” willing to take up arms, redraw international boundaries and violate global norms on orders of Russia’s strongman ruler.

  14. Matt G says

    It’s too bad about Darwin admitting he was wrong. I guess we can throw all of that research since then in the dustbin.

  15. chrislawson says

    Funny, the spirit of Jesus just told me that Vladimirov is making it all up.

  16. astringer says

    John Morales and nomdeplume: at the risk of going very slight off topic (apols JM) I agree that d/d^3 is jerk, but there is I think a semantic difference between (i) a an increase in acceleration (da(t)/dt) and (ii) an acceleration of rate (d/dt^2 of d/dt)… I have a vague memory (ref from a read appreciated!) of a US or UK politician trying to deliver spin on a terrible economy with “The rate of increase in inflation is slowing down”. Clearly, the term “jerk” was appropriate at that time.

  17. says

    That’s only fitting, considering Putin wishes so badly to raise the corpses of Tsarist Russia and the Soviet Union.

    Also, it’s always amusing how easily right-wingers slide into straight cartoon bad guy cliches out of some mistaken beliefs that this will make them look STRONK and POWERFUL! For Putin’s next trick, he’ll drape the Kremlin all in black, add spikes everywhere and put a giant flaming eye lap on top of Saint Basil’s cathedral.

  18. StevoR says

    @1. felixmagister : “I always thought referring to the Russian soldiers as “orcs” was in sort of bad taste, but, if they’re serving a Necromancer, maybe it’s a simple statement of fact.”

    Well, not quite, Orcs were (fictional / mythological) living hominids albeit warped and twisted by evil – thinking mainly of the Tolkein versions with Morgoth initially creatingthem from tortured corrupted elves.

    Although in Ukraine the Russian military generally does seem to be acting like orcs.

    Seems Putin has maybe done more than just washing their brains perhaps?

  19. says

    Well, Tolkien’s orcs are also unquestoningly loyal to their overlords and will throw their lives away without question when ordered to. Yeah sure, they’ll flee if overwhelmed, but they’ll never even think about any life that is not a life in service of the incumbent dark lord no matter how badly they’re treated.
    That’s something unique to Tolkien’s orcs because the orcs of other fantasy universes, be it D&D (with the exception of Gray Orcs which are just Tolkien’s Orcs again), Warhammer or Warcraft are not nearly as low maintenance.

    If Russian soldiers do not want to be compared to orcs, maybe they should not aspire to emulate them so much.

  20. seachange says

    @ robro #5

    Modern weaponry costs so much it might as well be made from silver and gold. Magic works by similarity and contagion, so those weapons which are equivalent to silver and gold are silver and gold.

  21. Rob Grigjanis says

    astringer @21:

    there is I think a semantic difference between (i) a an increase in acceleration (da(t)/dt) and (ii) an acceleration of rate (d/dt^2 of d/dt)

    Dunno what you mean by ‘semantic’. The third time derivative is equal to the derivative of the second time derivative, which is equal to the second derivative of the derivative. 3=1+2=2+1. No semantics.

    And da(t)/dt doesn’t mean ‘increase in acceleration’. It means rate of change in acceleration.

  22. ospalh says

    Imperial Germany did the same thing during the first world war!
    At least according to Bert Brecht’s first work, the Legend of the Dead Soldier.

    Either a factual report of a resurrected soldier, dug up with a consecrated spade, and the smell of decay masked by frankincense, or a satire about the desperation of the German leadership sending even wounded soldiers back into battle. One or the other.

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