The harbingers are supposed to precede the advent of Braco the Gazer, also known as Gazer the Gazerian, Gazer the Destructor, Gazer the Traveler, Volguus Zildrohar and Lord of the Sebouillia, and yet there he is. Braco the Gazer is a New Age charlatan who has taken laziness to a new level. He does nothing. He says nothing. He writes nothing. He looks at you — for no more than 7 seconds, any more would be dangerous — and moves on. You pay $8 for the privilege of standing in a crowded room while Braco gazes at everyone.
New Age music began and all those who were able were asked to stand as Braco emerged and climbed the stairs of the podium. He stood before the room awkwardly at first, and then his pose grew majestic, like he was standing on the edge of the Grand Canyon. Everyone watched him expectantly.
Then Braco gazed at the audience. For ten minutes.
He was expressionless, but his eyes scanned the room intensely. His head barely moved but he seemed to make eye contact, like one of those paintings where the eyes appear to follow you. As we all stared back we were looking at Braco for longer than the “safe” seven-second period.
As Braco “gazed,” some meditated or prayed, some rocked back and forth gently, and some were crying. Some held photos of sick or deceased loved ones to their chests. We’d also been told that if we had photos of people in our phones, Braco would heal them too.
Then it was all over.
And the crowd goes wild! What a gig.
Braco does do something, though: he sells stuff.
Braco also offers a line of Sunce (sun) jewelry that displays his mentor’s symbol: a golden sun with 13 rays. The price of the jewelry ranges from $190 for a pair of earrings to $2395 for a diamond pendant. Website testimonials claim these talismans bring good luck to the wearer.
You probably aren’t surprised.
The mildly deranged penguin offers to eat all your cheese, for free, whether you want her to or not. And there is no charge for the improved ventilation caused by penguin-shaped holes in the walls, you can also use them as doorways.
Besides the mental relaxation and improved ventilation of a loud high-speed unannounced visit, it means your cheeses are eaten by her when in peak condition. You won’t have any worries about the cheeses not being enjoyed.
Yesterday was World Penguin Day, so she will be checking that the cheeseboards are extra large! This means the visits will be a few milliseconds longer, providing extra benefits from the experience.
We’d also been told that if we had photos of people in our phones, Braco would heal them too.
We hypothesize that what can heal can kill, even if it’s merely withheld healing. Therefore this guy is a weapon. Someone tell The Pentagon; they’ll haul him off to one of Gina Haspel’s black labs (not the dog) and dissect him: problem solved.
John de Ruiter ought to sue. He’s been fleecing folks for years with the whole staring schtick.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_de_Ruiter
owjhksdfdadieWTF?
Jesus Christ, that’s just, um, unreal. Fuck, people so damn disconnected from life they can’t wait to put money in this charlatan’s pocket. You’re better off finding a nice tree to take a nap under.
I approach things from the other direction… for a small fee, I offer to curse the enemy of your choice. You just need to bring along an image of the person on your cellphone. Then I will use morphic resonance to inflict anything from scrofula to mad cow disease.
You can also send me payment, accompanied by a digital image and a description of the maladies you wish to inflict.
“Fuck, people so damn disconnected from life they can’t wait to put money in this charlatan’s pocket.”
A fact well known by televangelists, and by Donald Trump.
“… bring good luck to the wearer.”
They misspelled “seller”.
So what happens if the staree holds up a mirror, reflecting the starer’s stare back at the starer? The reflected stare being left↔right inverted, perhaps the seventh and eighth dimension will cancel out, and the starer will vanish in a puff of fecking eejitcy?
I got this e-mail. Seriously.
Hello Mr./Ms.,
I wanted to email you to see if we can schedule an interview with [redacted] Skincare, a line that is infused with crystals and made with pure intention. Crystals are placed around the products as they’re being made. Filled with intentions and positive energy to add to the product’s overall vitality the space where the products are created bans cell phones and no outside conversation is allowed. Only energy infused crystals, purity, positive intentions, and very high quality ingredients, packaged in the most eco-friendly packaging!
Is there hope for humanity?
Abyssmal!
His mother’s name was Medusa?
#9) “…made with pure intention to positively fleece as many suckers with money to burn as we positively can.”
Yeah I came across that guy from some Harriet Hall-talk a while back (I think). It’s patently ridiculous – of course -, but despite all the obvious you can detest about it, what bugs me most is how puppy-eyed his glance is. I mean look at that photo. Does he want you to pat him? If so, how can he be such a scammer (or, well, deluded narcissist) at the same time?
Wasn’t there a famous composer whose greatest performance was sitting at the piano with keyboard lid down for a fixed period of time, with the “music” being the sounds of the “ambient noise” the audience being the “instrument”?
Is Braco trying to recapitulate?
Marcus @2:
But is he willing to stare at goats?
I get to spend about 4 hours a day, five days a week (though my week this weed (due to changes in days off) is 10 days). And get paid for it. Of course, I also do things with my fingers while staring.
Sooooo…Andy Kaufman without the redeeming humor?
Lord of the Onions? Seriously?
I’m not sure if this is exploitation or performance art.
John Cage is the composer you’re thinking of. He was a similar kind of New Age fraud way back when (before “New Age” was a word I’m sure), although there was at least a legitimate business on the side (the music), so it wasn’t just all about feeding a cult some nonsense. But there was a lot of that too.
Anyway, he did write a lot, some of it interesting, not merely the one thing. Although at least some bare name-recognition has (occasionally) survived the turn of the century, his music will probably fade more and more into obscurity. Still, I won’t try to comment on what his “greatest performance” was.
Also, composing (or however Cage would’ve liked to describe his activities and/or the lack thereof) isn’t the same thing as performing. There have been many performances of 4’33” over the years, different editions of it for that matter. At any rate, he was not the performer at the premiere in 1952. The lid was closed and opened for each of the three movements. Yes, three. Just wanted to offer a more accurate description, since yours was missing some of the all-important absurdity.
It’s just random. To recapitulate would be to impose ourselves and some remnant of Classical structure. We can be free; and we need to purge ourselves of such things, such as ourselves, in order for all of the fake Zen healing to begin.