A different version of the Onion Test


The denizens of 4chan/pol have got it into their tiny little heads that the way to Save Western Civilization is for them increase their testosterone levels. There are a few little problems with that idea: they haven’t made the connection between “more testosterone” and “civilization”, and given that testosterone is an extremely common steroidal hormone in all vertebrates, and that bears get rather high testosterone levels without building cities and discovering writing, any connection would be tenuous. But apparently they’re fixated on this idea about manliness, and are looking for ways to naturally elevate their testosterone, and so have started consuming onions.

Wait, why onions? There’s another tenuous connection. Onions are high in antioxidants that help break down free radicals, free radicals are produced in greater volumes in metabolically active cells, some very active cells are sperm cell precursors that are dividing rapidly, so we should eat onions to preserve our precious Western male bodily fluids! There have been serious studies on this subject, and I found one in Experimental Biology and Medicine that reports a substantial increase in sexual activity in rats fed onion juice.

Onion (Allium cepa) is one of the most commonly cultivated species of the family Liliaceae, and has long been used in dietary and therapeutic applications. Treatment with fresh onion juice has been reported to promote testosterone production in male rats. Testosterone is the male sex hormone responsible for enhancing sexual libido and potency. This study aimed to investigate the effects of onion juice on copulatory behavior of sexually potent male rats and in male rats with paroxetine-induced sexual dysfunction. Sexually experienced male rats were divided into seven groups: a control group, three onion juice-treated groups, a paroxetine-treated group, and two groups treated with paroxetine plus different doses of onion juice. At the end of the treatments, sexual behavior parameters and testosterone levels were measured and compared among the groups. Administration of onion juice significantly reduced mount frequency and latency and increased the copulatory efficacy of potent male rats. In addition, administration of onion juice attenuated the prolonged ejaculatory latency period induced by paroxetine and increased the percentage of ejaculating rats. Serum testosterone levels increased significantly by onion juice administration. However, a significant reduction in testosterone because of paroxetine therapy was observed. This reduction was restored to normal levels by administration of onion juice. This study conclusively demonstrates that fresh onion juice improves copulatory behavior in sexually potent male rats and in those with paroxetine-induced sexual dysfunction by increasing serum testosterone levels.

So, in this one study, they found that rats who were juiced on onions had sex more often (and more quickly, but let’s gloss over that). I guess if you think ejaculating rats is a good proxy for civilization, that might be suggestive.

Except…

Don’t tell /pol/ this, they might panic…

The authors of the study are…Mohammed Z Allouh, Haytham M Daradka, Mohammed M Al Barbarawi, and Ayman G Mustafa. This might throw them over the edge. They’re already suspecting that they’re being tricked into gnawing on raw onions.

Should we tell them there are different varieties of onions, and not all of them are as sharp or astringent as the ones they’re suffering with? My father used to eat raw onions — but they were varieties like the Walla Walla Sweet onion, which as you might guess from the name, has a gentler flavor. He was also civilized and manly, which meant kind, supportive, and hard-working. I don’t think that’s the kind of civilized those guys are aiming for, though.

Comments

  1. Charles Insandiego says

    Are they just munching on them like apples? Have they never heard of salad or pico de gallo?

  2. says

    a substantial increase in sexual activity in rats fed onion juice.

    Rats don’t need help in that department. Believe me, I know. Is this part of the reaction to soy? I just found about that the other day: The Terror of…SOY!

  3. JP says

    My great-uncle Frank used to eat Walla Walla sweets like apples; in fact it was part of his typical lunch in the field: an onion, a hunk of cheese, and a can of pork-n-beans. And he has at least a little bit of good whiskey each day.

    He lived until almost 100, and ran his own ranch and baled his own hay well into old age. He was also married to a woman *at least* 20 years his junior, and helped raise a fine stepson who is now a bio-data engineer in Seattle.

    Maybe it was the onions all along. I doubt it. Although I think they were his main source of fresh vegetable matter.

  4. Owlmirror says

    You could combine the two onion tests . . .

    You have to eat the onion varieties with bigger genomes. The more the junk in the juice, the more it will juice your junk . . . !!

  5. tbtabby says

    When they say “western civilization,” they mean “majority white people.” When they say “save western civilization, they mean “have more sex to out-breed the darkies.”

  6. cnocspeireag says

    The Perfumed Garden, Chapter 20,
    ‘The member of Abou el Heïloukh has remained erect
    For thirty days without a break, because he did eat onions’.
    It’s probably as reliable source as any used by these bozos.

  7. davidnangle says

    It’s too meta that I’m thinking this story looks like it came from The Onion.

    tbtabby: Yes, that’s my interpretation, too. It’s often fun to goad such people by saying, “If there’s a superior race, then it’s already taking over. Because it’s superior. You can’t change that any more than humans can change global weather.” (Did you like that little dig at the end? Probably the same people get triggered by both issues.)

  8. lumipuna says

    In horticultural trade, it seems like every fruit and vegetable is touted as a good source of antioxidants. That those researchers used onion may have been a coincidence, or related to local food culture.

  9. says

    cnocspeireag:

    ‘The member of Abou el Heïloukh has remained erect
    For thirty days without a break, because he did eat onions’.

    Ouch, priapism. That sounds painful.

  10. weylguy says

    “But apparently they’re fixated on this idea about manliness …”

    There’s a new buzzword going around over at Fox News rivaling the usual War on Christmas. It’s the War Against Men, brought to us by the supporters of Alabama’s would-be senator Roy Moore and all those other politicians and celebrities who were just harmlessly flirting with young girls to make them feel more feminine and wanted and to prepare them for exciting careers as future baby makers and house keepers.

  11. bojac6 says

    Aren’t raw onions fairly common? Salads, burgers, sandwiches, etc? Or am I just a weirdo? I know it’s just anecdotal, but I’m definitely not the most masculine man and I do eat a lot of onions.

    Also raw garlic is really good. My physical therapist told me to eat two cloves a day as it aids in muscle recovery. I don’t know if there’s a lot of science behind that, but it certainly doesn’t hurt.

  12. Hairhead, Still Learning at 59 says

    Onions!

    Well, they are round, like testicles, they’re hidden from view, when they’re taken out, they’re smelly and encrusted with dirt (hey we’re talking about the *self-conscious* “men”, here, the ones who equate, dirt, B.O., and general offensiveness with masculinity), so by the primitive principle of similarity — the ingestion of onions ought to increase the power of my testicles!

    These people are modern primitives, trying to guide their lives by the most basic of Magic Thinking. Every day, when I can’t think of another way they could reveal themselves as pathetic — they make themselves more pathetic!

  13. stwriley says

    My God! General Ripper was right! The whole thing is obviously a plot by the international Communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids. Why, first it’s onion juice, next it will be borcht! Then we’re all doooomed!

  14. fusilier says

    stwriley @ 14

    I believe that, after her spaceflight, Valentina Tereshkova asked the good peasant couple who first arrived at her capsule for a bit of black bread and onion, to get her strength back.

    You might be on to something.

    fusilier

    James 2:24

  15. kurt1 says

    Wouldn’t the first step to Save Western Civilization be leaving moms basement? Running around with bad odor, pumped up on Testosterone probably decreases your chances to procreate even further.

    Also referencing Poles as examplary in Saving Western Civilization makes the Führer cry.

  16. blf says

    first it’s onion juice, next it will be borcht!

    Oops. A week ago I had a wonderful onion soup — hey, this is France, onion soup and surrender monkeys a specialty.

    And oops ooops! Tonight’s dinner is inspired-by borscht. Albeit served with cider (the real kind), not vodka. Guess I need more retraining… or at least another dose of more fluoride.

  17. says

    Clearly the best source (sauce) of male power is the orgasm so they should be encouraged to eat onions sauteed in their own semen.

  18. davidnangle says

    Lofty, or each other’s. To strengthen their genetic something something manliness quotient.

  19. a_ray_in_dilbert_space says

    In the 19th century, the Brits in particular had become concerned by the “feminization” of their society and sought to re-introduce manliness into all spheres of life. One notable area was a search for a “manly Christianity”. This resulted in a whole song book of the gayest hymns ever written–like “Give me some men,” “Onward Christian Soldiers” (which features some pretty phallic descriptions of crosses).

    There were similar movements–all among conservatives–in Germany, France, Austria-Hungary. Of course, a few decades later, they’d bleed each other white in World War I, all in the name of God and manliness.

  20. dangerousbeans says

    Has anyone pointed out to them that you can just buy testosterone? And it defiantly raises your testosterone levels?
    Trans men have been doing it for a while (and so have some cis men, and it can really mess up your body, but i really don’t care about 4chan fuckwits)

  21. Nemo says

    Administration of onion juice significantly reduced mount frequency

    Am I misreading this somehow? It seems to say the opposite of

    rats who were juiced on onions had sex more often

  22. Artor says

    As usual, the dumbfucks are doing it rong. The onions are supposed to be pureed fresh, and injected up the urethra. They’ll definitely see results that way!

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