Once upon a time, I watched a bit of a British television show called Black Mirror — it was, I was told, a series of scary stories about a dystopian near-future. The one episode I watched in full was about a politician forced by a terrorist to have sex with a pig, and most of it was reaction shots of this guy as he was contemplating the horror of this act. I started to watch a second episode, and it was something about another contrived scenario of public humiliation, and I lost interest. I came to the conclusion that where an American scary story might involve getting chased by zombies or giant spiders or something equally life-threatening, a British scary story was about finding oneself in an embarrassing situation that hurt one’s dignity.
Little did we all know, my assessment was accurate, and the show was written by a psychic. The latest news that seems to be consuming the British public is that…well, here’s the calmest description I’ve seen.
If you’re in the dark regarding “pig-gate”, the details are relatively simple; billionaire tax exile and former Conservative party deputy chairman Lord Michael Ashcroft has co-written, with journalist Isabel Oakeshott, an unauthorised biography of David Cameron. It is not flattering, and includes allegations of drug-taking among other things, but the attention-grabbing assertion is that during an initiation ceremony for an Oxford student society, Cameron “put a private part of his anatomy” in the mouth of a dead pig – and that photographic proof of this deed exists.
I would just like to introduce my British readers to Neal Horsley, the late Republican candidate for governor of Georgia.
Hey, Alan, if you want to accuse me of having sex when I was a fool, I did everything that crossed my mind that looked like I…
AC: “You had sex with animals?”
NH:Absolutely. I was a fool. When you grow up on a farm in Georgia, your first girlfriend is a mule.
AC: “I’m not so sure that that is so.”
NH:You didn’t grow up on a farm in Georgia, did you?
AC: “Are you suggesting that everybody who grows up on a farm in Georgia has a mule as a girlfriend?”
NH:It has historically been the case. You people are so far removed from the reality… Welcome to domestic life on the farm…
I think we might as well resign ourselves to the understanding that all conservative politicians got to their position of power by a process that involved the equivalent of sodomizing a dead pig, and not be surprised when the facts are uncovered.