Oh, no, look what I did to my children!

It’s no wonder they grew up to be godless heathens: this looks like a roundup of all the toys I let them play with, and cartoons I let them watch.

Watching those two grown men go on and on, I could scarcely believe the nonsense they were promoting. Only in the 70s and 80s would you find chairs with that upholstery…


  1. unbound says

    Ah, good old AD&D. Sadly, of the crew I played AD&D with regularly (6 of us), I am the only godless one.

  2. playonwords says

    @ Daz: EASGS The terminology is definitely wrong, because all such efforts should be referred to a “Post-mortem Communication” because necromancy is evil.

  3. lorn says

    I knew it … I always knew it … Teletubbies and Care Bears are evil. Tinky Winky traps souls in that magic bag.

  4. says

    ……………and it’s all………occultic…………..and stuff. Jeebus story, on the other hand is not, because nothin’ says lovin’ like a virgin being ghost raped by Sky Daddy.

  5. gussnarp says

    “They would throw the pieces of the game in the fire and screams would come out.”


    “He-Man is more powerful than Jesus.”

    Bwahahahahaha! I wish I could say that was true, but obviously they’re both fictional characters with no power, but as a symbol, Jesus has power over our government and people have made far more money selling Jesus than selling He-Man, so sadly not. Luke Skywalker, maybe…

    This is the funniest thing ever. Did anyone ever buy this?

  6. gussnarp says

    Darth Vader looks like Odin? So maybe Yahweh isn’t the only God talking to him so he has personal knowledge of what Odin looks like? Because I’ve never seen Odin depicted looking anything like Darth Vader.

  7. Artor says

    Isn’t that pornstar John Holmes in the video? I’m just looking at the still clip. I just ate breakfast, and since I’d like to hold it down, I’m refraining from watching Xians babble.

  8. Bernard Bumner says

    I used to role-play with a Jehovah Witness friend (mainly Shadowrun, since you didn’t ask).

    I’m not sure what sort of pervert you need to be to find a Teela action figure sensual, but I’m willing to suggest that nothing good will come of repressing one’s lust for that 5 1/2 inches of plastic.

  9. moarscienceplz says

    Darth Vader looks like Odin? So maybe Yahweh isn’t the only God talking to him so he has personal knowledge of what Odin looks like? Because I’ve never seen Odin depicted looking anything like Darth Vader.

    Odin is pretty much universally depicted as an old man with a beard and a patch over one eye. And his helmet, if he’s wearing one, almost always has wings or else a pair of horns. So, ummm, yeah … almost exactly like Darth Vader.

  10. blulanturn says

    Shit, Dice imbued with necromancy? Please fill up this microfiber bag, because the days of critical misses are over!

  11. John Kruger says

    So, at 2:10, they throw in a comment about sexually oriented robot shows. Uh, what? That is not what I thought Voltron was doing at all . . . Perhaps they got different channels than I did back then.

  12. numerobis says

    The Voltron operators wore tights, hence must be either homosexual or renaissance nobles (or both). How much more sexual could it be?

    Honestly it took me a little while to realize this wasn’t satire.

  13. marcoli says

    Besides furniture with upholstery like that, one could find suits with the same pattern. I think I remember seeing pictures of president Ford with a suit jacket that would fit right in.

  14. throwaway, never proofreads, every post a gamble says

    Yes, that upholstery. Also the tell-tale signs of Phil Phillips coming off of a Quaalude binge* makes this video extremely 80’s.

    I bet there are those among us who, in lieu of toys for Christmas, received this video instead from their parents or grandparents. I would have been sorely pissed.

    * I have no idea whether he is actually on or coming off of Quaaludes; however, all the signs are there.

  15. pHred says

    Umm … “real witchcraft” ?!? Righhhht.

    Makes me want to back away slowly – I couldn’t make it through all of that either.

  16. Rich Woods says

    If God spoke to me while I was driving, I’d tell the bastard to shut up and let me concentrate on the road. Immortals just have no conception of risk.

  17. U Frood says

    Ooo, I like it. “There are sixes involved in the pieces of this game.”
    Yeah, 6 sided dice. Just like in monopoly.

    Now THERE’s a game that teaches about evil.

  18. grumpyoldfart says

    Don’t worry about the preachers on the TV; they’re in the business for an easy buck. Worry about the ratbag audience that believes such bullshit.

  19. frankb says

    It gets me how that John Holmes guy with the semi-afro keeps talking about blood. God is really into a lot of blood, yes he is.

  20. U Frood says

    I have to think, if all this evil occult magic IS real, then yes He-Man is more powerful than Jesus.

  21. Hortan says

    He-man has a kick-ass giant talking green tiger, this clearly make him the superior figure in this comparison.

  22. says

    This video evoked feelings of sadness, reviving memories of funerals of loved ones — friends and family gathered, flowers and gentle organ music, and the bright blue face of the departed.

  23. says

    Snort.. The original “Voltron” seemed a lot “Christian” to me, so, I miss something? Mind, not as blatantly so as the anime they cloned to make it, in which the enemy robots where all wearing Nazi uniforms, and called “Satans”. Can’t remember the name of it, but it had nearly the same cast, a female pilot, who was also a princess, or some such, and was only in the robot because one of the better “male” pilots died (don’t think that happened in Voltron, but there was a lot of “concern” that this girl was going to pilot the thing, instead of someone else, from various people, and it didn’t seem to be “entirely” because she was like, the heir to the throne. But, there just seemed to be undertones of “faith” and “religion” in it, and all the bad guys where obviously just “evil”. lol

    Pretty sure these morons would have found “anything” consumed by evil and witchcraft, short of having the main character on the side of good named “Jesus”, and bad guy named “Satan”, and all of the episodes based on the Bible. They definitely lacked a basic capacity to comprehend good vs. evil in any context other than that narrow mythology. Hell, just remaking their “holy book”, but changing all of the names, would confuse the hell out of them. lol

  24. Muz says

    Oh boy. I laughed so hard I cried. I have to admit, I did.

    It seems so absurd, but then you have to remember just how major all those moral panics were back then.

  25. Jackie teh kitteh cuddler says

    What, no Teddy Ruxpin?

    I remember all this stuff from when I was a kid. My mom once threw out my brother’s Skeletor costume because she thought it was too dark. We weren’t allowed to watch The Simpsons or Batman the original animated series. We did anyway, but we weren’t supposed to. My family wasn’t that bad, but I had friend’s who weren’t so lucky. I remember trying not to laugh at a guy at our church who was still going on about Hotel California, and Led Zeppelin being satanic. They let him teach the youth about the dangers of rock music that was from our parents generation. I think he also threw in some Sex Pistols. I don’t think he’d listened to a top 40 station in a long time. Now, I actually liked that music, but I think I was the only teen in the church who did. I remember how wide eyed and serious he was and thinking he was a kook, but I knew better than to say anything about it.

    What’s sad is that burning books will sometimes emit whistling noises when burning. So do apples. (Roasted apples over a camp fire are yummy!) So do logs. Have they never lit a fireplace? It’s science, not witchcraft. These poor deluded idiots and their poor kids. So sad. Everywhere they turn they see the bogeyman.

  26. lsamaknight says

    Kagehi @ 32, the Lion Voltron (to which I presume you are referring) was primarily made with footage from Go-Lion. The ‘Galaxy Garrison’ scenes were spliced in from Dairugger XV which was then used in full to make (the superior) Vehicle Voltron.

    Though one of the changes that was made in adapting Go Lion turned out to be surprisingly fortuitous. In Go-Lion the Blue Lion’s original pilot was killed, hence the Princess becoming the regular pilot, but in Voltron he was just badly injured and sent off to recuperate. Thus when Go-Lion had to introduce said characters never before mentioned twin brother, Voltron could just bring the character back and say he was recovered.

    gussnarp@7 Of course He-Man’s more powerful. It says so in the opening narration. “I became He-Man, the most powerful man in the Universe.”

  27. Jonathan, der Ewige Noobe says

    Hey, if I had never started playing D&D, I would never have heard of Jack Chick, probably never started debating theology with my high school TA, and I would probably still be a Christian.

  28. Markita Lynda—threadrupt says

    Wow, that was pretty disjointed and incoherent. I hope it was spliced together out of several unrelated shows! But the same method applies throughout: Stir up vague fears and a sense of supernatural menace emanating from all aspects of culture that aren’t Mom & apple pie American. “Oh, no, they might hear of yoga!’ “Oh, no, Yoda has an evil number of fingers and toes (if you divide by two)!” And then offer to *sell* more information & a magical cure and ask for extra donations on top. The real stroke of genius here is recognizing that there are people out there stupid enough to fall for that particular variation on the Gypsy Curse scam.

  29. jpatters says

    Regarding sexually orientated robot shows, Tranzor Z (US version of Mazinger Z) had a giant female robot who’s main weapons were “Breast Missiles”, and Robotech (US version of Macross) had tons of awkward flirting, and an interracial couple, who lived together, but weren’t married.

  30. robster says

    All the Superheroes are at least equal with the baby jesus/mo/god/holy spook etc. in terms of power. This is proven by the huge amount of absolutely nothing achieved by jesus et al and the pantheon of Superheroes. Together they’ve been totally silent and invisible and this would suggest that the best tricks exhibited by all of them, is to be very quiet and quite invisible and to do absolutely nothing, ever.

  31. Colin J says

    Kagehi @32:

    Pretty sure these morons would have found “anything” consumed by evil and witchcraft

    Hmm, let’s see. Around 6:40 in the video: “Parents were buying all of these occultic toys, from grenades to gum that you chew that’s supposed to be shrapnel”

    The occult: from grenades to shrapnel.

    Yep, reckon you’re right.

  32. randay says

    #22 Rich Woods. The guy said, “The Lord spoke to me”. That sounds like witchcraft to me, communicating with imaginary beings. Then, why did it take the Lord three days to inform him? Was the Lord distracted by other things and he was far down the list.

  33. Anri says

    gussnarp @ 8:

    Darth Vader looks like Odin? So maybe Yahweh isn’t the only God talking to him so he has personal knowledge of what Odin looks like? Because I’ve never seen Odin depicted looking anything like Darth Vader.

    Odin, Oda Nobunaga, who can tell the difference?

  34. gussnarp says

    @ Jackie #34:

    I guess I was lucky, my mother only banned the Incredible Hulk TV series (which I still managed to watch a boat load of anyway), because it showed poor anger management skills, and Ratt, because all the songs were about fucking (at least I think that’s why). I managed to watch a lot of their videos anyway, too. I don’t think my mother took any of it all that seriously.

    @Anri #46

    Thank you for sending me on that delightful Google image search.

    @U Frood #47:

    Non traditional casting for Thor! Excellent. Though I must say that Chris Hemsworth’s Thor pleasantly surprised me, I say we go with Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje, or is he too old? Certainly not too old to be James Earl Jones son. And wow, somehow I thought he was dead.

  35. MetzO'Magic says

    Honestly it took me a little while to realize this wasn’t satire.

    Ditto. I thought it must be a SNL sketch, fer sure. I haven’t lived in the States for 35 years now, so I wouldn’t recognise anyone from the present cast :-\

  36. says

    Kagehi @ 32, the Lion Voltron (to which I presume you are referring) was primarily made with footage from Go-Lion.

    Hmm. Didn’t know that. But, no, the plot, in may respects, was very similar in the one I noted, but not the same. They didn’t “form a lion”, I don’t think, for one. But, they all had bots, which all had some animal sort of shapes, or something, I think… and the enemy where all military style thinks, that looked sort of like someone tried to marry tanks, and army equipment, with a giant robot.

    Mind, I may be getting a lot of it wrong. Between a mix of laughter, and a lot of irritation/disgust, while watching it, I don’t think I paid *that* much attention to the few episodes of the silly thing I did see. lol

  37. says

    Thanks to tbtabby and seeing most of the rest of the DVD I have to say that they did have some good points while filling the rest up with the pseudo-religious drivel:

    1) Commercialism in kids’ television programs is ridiculous. I don’t mind tie-in toys, but when you produce something solely to sell toys (Transformers, GI Joe) then there’s a real issue there.
    2) Violence in kids’ television programs and toys is far too much. Kids are being trained that the way to solve problems is through violence. Even my beloved LEGO toys suffer from this now.
    3) Barbie presents an unhealthy image for young girls.

    But then he threw in all the “Satanism” and demonic stuff, and it just got lost.

  38. jpatters says

    I finally did sit through the whole thing, and while they throw out the claim that some of the giant robot shows are “sexually orientated”, they did not mention which ones. Keven is correct, there were a few points where they strayed into sounding somewhat resonable, especially with respect to Barbie. Just when you think they have stopped with the crazy though, they hit you with something like D&D materials screeming in the fire because demons, or Darth Vader looking just like Oden or something.

    This has got me thinking, what programs would I let my children watch? I think the answer is, well, aside from Dexter, pretty much anything, but I won’t let them watch just anything *without comment*. I’m uncomfortable with GI Joe not just because of the violence, but because it is so sanitized, every time a Cobra plane gets blown up, the pilot safely ejects. It is a deathless conflict. Contrast that with Robotech, where multiple main characters get killed, and the warmongering on both sides leads to the deaths of billions. I don’t think it is violence per se that is bad, but it is the context and the message that is being communicated.