Tom Ritter has a dream. It’s a grand dream.

Tom Ritter dreams of a day when people recognize that he’s more than just a cranky high school teacher, and they realize that all the scientists in the world have been completely wrong, while Truth lives in the sweaty cranium of a harumphing gomer in Lebanon, Pennsylvania.

He dreams of a day when everyone sees that he fills an important niche.

He dreams of a day when people realize that evolution is an unscientific theory, while Jesus is our Principal Investigator.

Ritter dreams of a day when the kids get off of his lawn.

He dreams of a day when modern medicine finally figures out how to remove that stick from his butt. You know, the one with the pointy end pressing against his brain.

He’s had these dreams for a long time now, but at last he’s got a shot at glory, one chance to maybe have one of his dreams come true.

Tom Ritter is suing Pennsylvania public schools for teaching evolution. Surely this won’t make him look like a deranged looney from the sticks, unprofessionally bellowing his rage at a world he never made and never understood? This is his opportunity! Fate can’t be so cruel as to continue to foster his reputation as the crazy, creepy chemistry teacher, the Milton Wadams of the Blue Mountain School District who sees evolution as his red Swingline stapler, his object of desire? No, of course not. Because his logic is sound, as strong as anything any creationist has ever come up with.

Here is his professional, scientific argument. I’ve taken the liberty of footnoting it so that you can see how deep it is.

Evolution is Unscientific¹

“The theory of evolution by cumulative natural selection is the only theory we know of that is in principle capable of explaining the existence of organized complexity.” — Richard Dawkins, famous Atheist²

Biology studies organisms. It can also explain how organisms got that way, but studying organisms does not require explaining how they got that way³, and the theory of evolution is bad science.⁴

Evolutionists cannot demonstrate that three critical points are even possible, let alone that they actually happened:

(1) No one has demonstrated that life can be created from non-life.⁵ (Reports of artificial DNA do not alter this fact. Life is still required.)⁶

(2) No one has demonstrated that a new “sexual species” can be created.⁷ (Since the definition of species is contested, for these purposes it is defined as an organism that can breed with its own kind and produce fertile offspring, but cannot breed with its ancestors.⁸)

(3) Evolutionists theorize the human brain evolved from lower forms.⁹ Over 50 years into the age of computers, machines can crunch numbers far better and faster than humans, recognize and use language and tools, and beat us in chess. Yet science has yet to build even a rudimentary computer that can contemplate its own existence, the hallmark of the human brain.¹⁰ (Contemplating your existence is best understood as imagining what will remain after your death.) And no animal, no matter how “intelligent,” can do this either.¹¹

Ask anyone who espouses evolution if these three points are not true.¹²

If evolution is unscientific, why teach it?¹³ Because no Creator means no God.¹⁴ In other words, evolution taught without a possible alternative is Atheism.¹⁵

Now Atheism rests on an article of faith (A strong belief that cannot be proven but is nonetheless believed).¹⁶

Therefore Atheism is a religion.¹⁷

And it is illegal to teach religion in the public schools.¹⁸

(I am not defending creationism or intelligent design. But evolution has not proven its case, and until it does, saying it is the only explanation for present life is Atheism.)¹⁹

¹Because Tom Ritter says so, and only about a million scientists know he’s wrong.

²And famous evolutionary biologist, but for purposes of Tom’s argument, that’s hardly relevant, where “relevant” is defined as “conflicts with my claim”.

³True Science™requires closing your eyes to questions that might produce answers contradicting True Faith™.

⁴See title.

⁵Except that we are pretty sure the world lacked life before it had life, therefore life had to come from non-life at some point. Or perhaps Mr Ritter is also arguing with the Old Testament?

⁶Similarly, any technology that allows life to be created doesn’t count. Therefore this statement is irrefutable! Huzzah!

⁷See previous unbreakable escape clause.

⁸Because that would be really icky. If they aren’t dead, they’re really old.

⁹For instance, I theorize that a small garden slug crawled into Tom Ritter’s ear one day, worked its way into his cranium, and is now rasping away at his motor nerves to evoke strange twitchy responses.

¹⁰50 years of computing certainly ought to be able to outperform 4 billion years of evolution.

¹¹Well, obsessing over the imagined fate of a magic wisp of personhood that survives blunt force trauma (or cranial slug invasion) might be the hallmark of the Christian brain, but the rest of us…not so much.

¹²OK. They aren’t true.

¹³Aside from its explanatory power, the volumes of evidence in its support, its ability to guide further research, its practice by the overwhelming majority of biologists on the planet, and the necessity to understand the principles of evolutionary biology to understand taxonomy, physiology, development, cell biology, molecular biology, biochemistry, etc., etc., etc.? Well, no, aside from those, there really is no reason to teach it.

¹⁴Unless you’re one of those wacky theistic evolutionists who think evolution is the mechanism god used to create life…but they’re all like Mormons or Scientologists, non-Christians, and therefore atheists.

¹⁵This is a sweeping principle that will be expanded to cover other disciplines as well. Teaching auto repair without mentioning a magic car factory in the sky is atheism; teaching agriculture without discussing the angels who tug the shoots out of the ground is atheism.

¹⁶Which is also true for every single science, which makes them, by this definition, religions.

¹⁷Just like chemistry, physics, agriculture, and auto repair.

¹⁸More simply, it is therefore illegal to teach, period, in the public schools. QED. Brains explode. Society melts down. Zombies stalk the streets while rains of frogs and blood predict the End Times. Mission accomplished.

¹⁹Wait a minute there…Christianity hasn’t proven its case, either. Therefore Christianity is atheism?

Yes, indeed, we’re all going to take Tom Ritter seriously from now on! Because filing a federal lawsuit is something only a True Genius™ could possibly do. Next step: Nobel Prize.