Great Beards: God!

The fundraiser that will decide whether Big Dave and I will have to shave off our beards has passed the halfway mark — you have donated £805.33 for Barnardo’s children’s charity — but I notice that some people are still voting “no beard”, and we can’t have that. To counter these weak sallies into beardlessness, I’m going to have to regularly remind you of glorious beards, and today we start at the top.

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That’s right, people with beards have that aura of great majesty and power, just like Jehovah. Would you ask God to shave? Look at that glorious beard — it’s almost as good as Dan Dennett’s. You must vote for the beard.

Now you may be marshaling counterarguments in your head: “What about Buddha”, you’re thinking, and “Hardly any kind of god at all”, I reply, “When has Buddha ever annihilated a city with a column of fire?” Or you might be thinking “But I’m an atheist!” or “Hey, women don’t have beards, and they’re perfectly lovely”, to which I say “Satan! He’s got a beard, too.”

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And see? He’s apparently a lesbian as well, so the ladies can feel comfortable voting for the feminist bearded option.

Do the right thing. Donate £2 or more, and vote FOR the beard.

P.S. The rules clearly state one vote per person, so if you’re thinking of maximizing your impact by donating £10 in 5 £2 votes, it won’t work. Just vote once. If you’ve already donated, you can ignore my pleas.

Jesus Christ, but I hate these slimebags

I got email just now from Evolutionary Leaders. The source sounds promising on the surface, so I opened it. Big mistake. Bad for my blood pressure.

Are you tired of sitting around while our environment is being destroyed?

Yes! Yes, I am!

Do you feel helpless, angry or powerless to make a difference
as you watch millions of gallons of oil pouring into the Gulf every day
with no end in sight and thousands losing their lives and their livelihoods?

Yes!

Join The Gulf Call to Sacred Action!

Yes! Wait…”sacred” action? Huh?

The Evolutionary Leaders: In Service to Conscious Evolution have joined together
to be a loud and important voice for all who feel powerless.

The People Need You ~ The Gulf Needs You

And then there’s some fol-de-rol about working via telephone and internet with tens of thousands taking action and making a “powerful impact for the good of humanity” without any of explanation about what will be done. Until we get to the meat of the story.

We begin by setting our collective intention. Join Deepak Chopra to set our powerful vision and participate in a worldwide Intention Experiment with renowned author and scientist Lynne McTaggart. Explore how our collective intention, our voice and our commitment can impact the cleanup of the oil spill. And then we will be graced by Jean Houston who will share with us why this time matters and why we matter.

Jebus. Deepak Chopra. They’re going to get a bunch of people to sit around and wish the problem away. These people are Newage dead weight.

Our collective prayers and thoughts have the power to cause a profound shift on the planet. Pray with some of the most powerful spiritual thought leaders — Reverend Michael Bernard Beckwith, Joan Borysenko, James O’Dea and more. Together we discover that we have the power to change the world.

Prayer will never, ever change the world. Prayer is an excuse to lie about doing nothing and pretend you are making a difference.

Open up and connect to the deeper heart of our planet where we hear our individual and collective call to action. Together with sacred activists Barbara Marx Hubbard, Gregg Braden, and Andrew Harvey, we will take back our power and move into powerful action that will forever change our lives and the lives of generations to come.

Demented fuckwits, every one. You know, none of these cretins are fundamentalists, they probably smile a lot, and what they all propose is absolutely harmless, in the sense that it doesn’t do anything, anything at all…but they are the killers, the mind-rot, the lazy brained lotus eaters who will watch civilization crumble away while chanting that we’re becoming closer and closer to Mother Nature. I’m less worried about the ranting theocrats and openly anti-science thugs than I am these numbing, mindless, happy-talking liars who lead the gullible down an easy, cheerful path to destruction. At least the fundie kooks do their best to make their way look really hateful and hideous.

Get in the feckin’ sack, Newage know-nothings.

There. Dara O’Briain always makes me feel a little better.

I don’t know that I like this song

Roy Zimmerman released this one today as appropriate to the dissent at the top in the conduct of the war in Afghanistan.

I have to applaud Rolling Stone for exposing the chaos in leadership in the war.

The Rolling Stone article highlights how President Obama has long had an even bigger decision to make. His Afghan team is widely regarded as dysfunctional. There is an astonishing web of animosities and rivalries between key civilian and military players.

McChrystal comes off as an honest — too honest — jerk who is so arrogant that he doesn’t care that the follies of the conduct of war are being exposed. It’s the kind of incompetence at diplomacy that make his firing righteous…but still, I’m so tired of our government lying about the state of the war in Afghanistan.

More worrying for American readers will be a passage in the article where Gen McChrystal visits a detachment of US soldiers on the ground in Afghanistan.

One of their number has been killed by a booby-trap bomb in an old house.

The local commander had asked permission several times to demolish the house to eradicate the risk to his men, but Gen McChrystal’s own rules of engagement mean that permission was denied.

When the general asks the soldiers if they think they are losing, one of them tells him that some of them do.

I really don’t like that song because one of my boys has elected to join the army, and is in basic training right now; he might well end up in this wretched war. I don’t want him or anyone to be the last man; I don’t want any Afghan citizens harmed in this futile exercise which isn’t likely to end happily for anyone. I don’t need reminders that we’re going to be heartsick with worry for a few years.

At least the song is protesting the war. I look at our leadership and feel only disappointment that Obama has increased our commitment to this nightmare, along with his pathetic efforts on domestic issues, and the only thing keeping me from disgust at having voted for him is the fact that our alternative was far, far worse.

Another outing

An infamously anti-gay Lutheran pastor, Tom Brock, has been outed as gay himself. Unfortunately, the outing is ethically compromised by the fact that the writer accomplished it by infiltrating a confidential 12-step program for gay men dealing with “chastity issues”. Basically, he had to violate a promise of confidentiality. This is a tough one; if the program were a sincere effort by these men to deal honestly with their sexual orientation, then this revelation violates trust and reduces the effectiveness of the program, and does actual harm to innocent participants. I can’t condone that.

However, by the account of this reporter, it sounds like the program is more of an exercise in maintaining contempt for gays as a tool to help control their urges. I suppose that’s one way to do it, and an exposé of the program would be appropriate — it seems to be the usual Catholic (Brock is Lutheran, but the program is non-denominationally religious and dominated by Catholics) hypocrisy.

After the first round, conversation continues, ranging from discussions about a particular homosexual rut one of the members was in, to financial worries, criticism of progay political efforts, and defenses of Catholicism. The term “gay” is eschewed in favor of words like “disorder” or “gender disorder.” However, very occasionally, unsquelched comments cropped up about homophobic bigotry, plus even grudging admiration for the tenacity of out gay men facing societal ridicule.

When Brock was in attendance, the conversation inevitably would turn political, focusing on gay and church issues, and beyond–not only during his first round, but also in his sharing time, and before the session commenced.

When the topic of same-sex marriage came up, Brock stated, “The world needs [heterosexual] marriage.”

Another person chimed in, calling same-sex marriage “a cult of mutual masturbation”—oblivious to the unintentional humor.

At one point, Brock became very intense in talking about some recent statistics that the percentage of HIV/AIDS cases caused by homosexual contact had increased. He was accurate, which is why safer-sex information should be widely available–something the group certainly would oppose.

Brock also comes across as a nasty piece of work.

When it was Brock’s turn to share, he related that he recently had been on “a preaching mission to Slovakia,” where he met with other clergy.

Then, Brock admitted, “I fell into temptation. I was weak. That place has this really, really weird, demonic energy. I just got weak, and I had been so good for a long time. Things had been going so well for a long time. There’s a lot of gypsies there.”

According to Brock, he confessed the foregoing to someone at Hope Lutheran Church.

Brock clearly was put off by the gypsy presence in Slovakia, continuing with a sense of revulsion in his voice, “They’re toothless, filthy; they smell, stink; and the gypsies are trained in how to pick your pocket.”

In his video series, Brock slams ELCA Bishop Mark Hanson for his call to “combat racism” at a New Orleans youth conference.

He’s also a smug misogynist.

Later in the session, Brock remarked that even though he is “against the ordination of women pastors,” he presented a workshop to female Lutheran pastors in Slovakia. But, in his words, “I didn’t tell these women that I actually don’t believe in women being pastors.” However, he learned that many women pastors there were “assistant pastors to their husband, who was the head pastor,” and that ultimately, “nature takes over, when they have children, and they then assume their role as mother and leave ministry behind.”

That very day, on The Pastor’s Study, in describing the plight of an abused wife, Brock asserted that one “is to suffer for Christ. Her husband was a stinker, but she stuck it out for the sake of Christ.” In the same episode, he also railed against ELCA’s GLBT tolerance.

If I were to be interviewed by John Townsend, the author of the piece, I wouldn’t trust any promise he might make to me, which is one lesson — he has sacrificed his integrity to make this story. I can’t be too irate, though; it sounds like no innocents were harmed by the revelation, and if the effectiveness of the program is diminished, that’s no loss.

And Tom Brock stands exposed as a hypocrite who betrays the principles of his church who should be shunned by his congregation (but probably won’t be—the deeply gullible are rarely discouraged by the dishonesty of their leaders), and who has earned even greater contempt from those who oppose his hateful agenda.

To beard or not to beard

You’re all good, upstanding, moral atheists who like children (and not just on the barbecue!), so you’d all be happy to donate to Barnardo’s, a children’s charity even without any incentive. Incentives are nice, though, so we’re going to give you one: it’s a competition.

You see, Big Dave (bearded) and Simon (hideously naked-faced) are asking people to donate to Barnardo’s, and for a £2 minimum donation, you also get to weigh in on the Great Beard Question: do they suck, or are they a majestic addition to manly beauty?

They are collecting the beard/no beard votes, and on 5 July they’ll be tallied up. If their total goal of £1500 in donations is reached, and if it is mainly esthetically-compromised philistines who vote no on beards, then Big Dave will shave his beard off — a great loss and tragedy, but a sacrifice willingly made to benefit the children. If the goal is reached and a majority of wise and appreciative fans of the noble beard vote, then the frighteningly bare cheeks and chin of Simon will be graced with a new growth of dignity.

I know you’ll all do the right thing and get over there and vote for beards and donate. But you know, just to be sure, I have generously offered to also put my beard on the line. This is a huge sacrifice, but I figured it would help sway the pro-beard vote, since no one could possibly vote to chop off my lovely facial hair. Right? Right? Please tell me I’m right.

If I’m wrong, and the voting is dominated by boorish, effete barbarians with no taste, then I will have to face public humiliation and will take a razor to my pride. With photos. Posted here. I will look ridiculous, because in addition to the intrinsic grandeur of the beard, a beard is also a good way to hide a funny-looking face.

So go forth and save the beard. I’m counting on you.

It’s gotta be tough to be a Texan

Ophelia Benson is having a giggle over the Texas Republican Party Platform, which you can download, too. It’s the usual: guns, US out of the UN, immigrants must be controlled, etc. They really don’t like homosexuals.

We believe that the practice of homosexuality tears at the fabric of society, contributes to the breakdown of the family unit, and leads to the spread of dangerous, communicable diseases. Homosexual behavior is contrary to the fundamental, unchanging truths that have been ordained by God, recognized by our country’s founders, and shared by the majority of Texans. Homosexuality must not be presented as an acceptable “alternative” lifestyle in our public education and policy, nor should “family” be redefined to include homosexual “couples.” We are opposed to any granting of special legal entitlements, refuse to recognize, or grant special privileges including, but not limited to: marriage between persons of the same sex (regardless of state of origin), custody of children by homosexuals, homosexual partner insurance or retirement benefits. We oppose any criminal or civil penalties against those who oppose homosexuality out of faith, conviction, or belief in traditional values.

They don’t like heterosexuals, either, since they want to arrest a bunch of them.

We oppose the legalization of sodomy. We demand that Congress exercise its authority granted by the U.S. Constitution to withhold jurisdiction from the federal courts from cases involving sodomy.

I wonder if they’re going to go high tech and install surveillance cameras in everyone’s bedroom, or if they’re satisfied with the old school system of spot checks and bashing in bedroom doors?

Probably low tech, since Texas Republicans don’t care much for that sciencey stuff.

We oppose any legislation that would allow for the creation and/or killing of human embryos for medical research. We encourage stem cell research using cells from umbilical cords, from adults, and from any other means which does not kill human embryos. We oppose any state funding of research that destroys/kills human embryos. We encourage the adoption of existing embryos. We call for legislation to withhold state and/or federal funding from institutions that engage in scientific research involving the killing of human embryos or human cloning.

Evolution gets a mention, too — it’s one of those suspicious theories, along with global warming and “political philosophies”…I guess there are no such things as “political philosophies”, only the one true absolute political reality of Ronald Reagan.

Realizing that conflict and debate is a proven learning tool in classrooms, we support objective teaching and equal treatment of all sides of scientific theories, including evolution, Intelligent Design, global warming, political philosophies, and others. We believe theories of life origins and environmental theories should be taught as challengeable scientific theory subject to change as new data is produced, not scientific law. Teachers and students should be able to discuss the strengths and weaknesses of these theories openly and without fear of retribution or discrimination of any kind.

Hang on, though, let’s not just laugh at Texas: they also did something right recently. A Texas federal court has refused the Institute of Creation Research’s plea to be allowed to hand out science degrees. That’s got to sting, after the ICR left California to settle in Texas, hoping for a more lenient, accommodating atmosphere for lunacy. Even Texas has limits.

Now if only Texas’s limits weren’t so slack as to tolerate the Republicans down there…

Kilstein will kill

Jamie Kilstein is putting on a comedy show in New York on 2 July, titled No War, No God, No Nickelback. You should go if you can. He’s recommended by that polite, soft-spoken gentleman AC Grayling, so you know exactly what to expect: calm, cerebral, gentle humor, quietly skewering social mores.

Yeah, right. Watch out for a GOATS ON FIRE level of outrageousness. Everyone should go and make him rich and famous, because he’s the one comedian I trust will aspire to someday having a comedy tour featuring a giant inflatable vulva*. He does need to get really rich and famous first, though.

If I were in NY on that day, I’d go.

*He doesn’t actually have such a thing, and hasn’t even mentioned wanting one, but as a fan I think it will eventually be a necessary appliance for his stadium tour.