The secret of my success


All is revealed: trustworthiness is in the beard. Rate yourself on the scale:

i-14c05a54609ee9d161d98a4a87f5a442-beards.jpeg

I’m all the way to the left, under “Very Trustworthy”, and just ahead of Dan Dennett.

Ladies, I’m sorry you’re left out. This is also an illustration of why you are so mysterious to the clueless male — you aren’t on the scale!

Comments

  1. simply not edible says

    Well, apparently I’m threatening. Maybe I should just trim it some more, to make it look more trustworthy.

    Good advice, I’d say. At the very least, I’ll try to avoid Werewolf without overcompensating to Hitler. Or any of the Pencil Thins, for that matter.

  2. KOPD says

    I’m just a bit less trustworthy than PZ based on the facial hair, but the fact that I shave my head probably knocks me down a few points.

  3. Glen Davidson says

    Yup, nothing like evil Spock’s goatee.

    A trustworthy beard is perfect for spreading the soul-destroying theory of evolution.

    And now we know why ID isn’t science–no beards and the wrong ones.

    Glen D
    http://tinyurl.com/mxaa3p

  4. Walton says

    I used to have a curly moustache, which put me, apparently, in the Questionable category. These days, I have an unkempt moustache and something vaguely resembling a goatee (thanks to finals, I’ve largely given up caring about my appearance), which, ironically, apparently makes me much more trustworthy.

    And I wonder if there’s any intended political symbolism in the fact that the “Trustworthy” category are on the left of the page…

  5. alysonmiers says

    I applaud their assessments. My daddy’s had a full beard for most of my life and my brother’s had either a full beard or a goatee and mustache for most of the last several years.

    Also, I think it’s hilarious that they have “werewolf” in that scale.

  6. blf says

    Well, depending on what is meant by kempt, I’m either way over at the left in poopyhead territory (very trustworthy), or else threatening.

  7. CMRD Ivan says

    So I’m between questionable and unsavory. Need to start growing a mustache for my goatee.

  8. Knockgoats says

    My beard is also maximally trustworthy. So I guess if you are able to reach an agreement with my beard, you can be confident it will never let you down. However, I can in no circumstances be held liable.

    I did consider switching to a handlebar moustache and side whiskers when I reached 50, so I could upset expectations by looking like an old fogey then spouting socialism – but it would have been too much trouble to keep up; the real reason for my “trustworthy” beard is that’s it’s minimum maintenance: no shaving, trimming once a month or so. Maybe I’ll do it as a holiday experiment sometime.

  9. delphi-ote says

    Women aren’t on the scale? My mother in law is somewhere around “werewolf”. Baa-ZING!

    /I’m not actually married
    //Obviously I post on Fark

  10. idle.pip.verisignlabs.com says

    I’m all the way at the right… Is that bad?

    I always thought the secret to your success was cephalopods. Delicious cephalopods.

  11. Arancaytar says

    I have a goatee, which makes me unsavoury.

    It also means I am the evil twin.

    Wonder where my goody-two-shoes doppelganger is hiding.

  12. Dianne says

    Women’s beards are…elsewhere…and are all very, very trustworthy, just like us. Please email me your bank account number so I can demonstrate how perfectly trustworthy women are.

  13. carrythebanner says

    Pretty good chart, although Friendly Chops should also include “a.k.a. The Lemmy.”

  14. Celtic_Evolution says

    tsg –

    ahh… the playoff beard… growing it myself. This is for NHL playoffs, I assume?

    Your team of choice?

  15. 'Tis Himself, OM says

    Since I have a beard similar to PZ’s and Knockgoat’s, I’m equally as trustworthy.

    OT, I have some beachfront property in Wyoming that some of you Europeans might be interest in buying. I offer it first to Europeans because Americans and Canadians don’t appreciate the glory that is Wyoming beaches.

  16. F says

    Hrm. My beard may be trustworthy, but it doesn’t seem to reflect on me as a person. I guess it has its own life.

    Joel W, the clean-shaven cannot be trusted at all. You can’t tell a trustworthy clean-shaven type from one who has been compromised by social and biz pressures. ;)

  17. Antiochus Epiphanes says

    Often unkempt beard, but then I can be like Bam! Goatee with Moustache (= pretty trustworthy) in a blink of an eye.

  18. Randomfactor says

    Mildy (sic) Trustworthy Wilford Brimley type.

    But Lenin had a beard…Lincoln had “whiskers.”

  19. T. Bruce McNeely says

    As someone who is clean shaven because his beard is eye-burning ugly, I just have to say:

    Why cultivate on your face what grows wild on your ass?

  20. recovering catholic says

    “Based on absolutely no scientific evidence.”

    Kudos for honesty…

  21. bbgunn071679 says

    Randomfactor@28: Marx had a beard. Lenin had a beard. Gabby Hayes(sp?) had whiskers.

  22. Rev. BigDumbChimp says

    Humm.

    I’m a combination of the Colonel Sanders and the Hogan.

    So I’m Questionably Unsavory

  23. 'Tis Himself, OM says

    T. Bruce McNeely #29

    As someone who is clean shaven because his beard is eye-burning ugly, I just have to say:

    Why cultivate on your face what grows wild on your ass?

    Just because you can’t grow a decent beard doesn’t mean every other male has similar failings.

  24. blf says

    Gay and bald? Evo Morales thinks you ate too much chicken:

    Male pattern baldness and the mysteries of human sexuality are no puzzles for the president of Bolivia, who has declared they are caused by eating chicken.

    Evo Morales has claimed that both homosexuality and baldness can be caused by the humble chicken.

    Speaking at an environmental conference on Tuesday, Morales said chicken producers injected fowl with female hormones and insisted that “when men eat those chickens they experience deviances in being men”.

    The Bolivian president since 2005 added that eating chicken could make men go bald.

    Morales’s theories do not appear to have been immediately accepted by the scientific community, to put it mildly…

    The president of the Argentina Homosexual Community campaigning organisation, Cesar Cigliutti, said: “It’s an absurdity to think that eating hormone-containing chicken can change the sexual orientation of a person.

    “By following that reasoning, if we put male hormones in a chicken and we make a homosexual eat it he will transform into a heterosexual.”

    The article then goes on to point out the use of hormones in poultry was banned several decades ago.

  25. Celtic_Evolution says

    PZ –

    Ken Ham has the Amish beard. “Questionable”.

    Good point… forgot he lacked the ‘stache.

  26. Sili, The Unknown Virgin says

    Part of my failure in crystallography may be down to my lack of a beard to carry around seeds in.

  27. Blondin says

    I’m happy to see I come in 3rd from the Trustworthy end.

    It’s a pity there is no such scale for females. Unfortunately the only way to learn the true female nature is to marry ’em (which kinda’ defeats the purpose, eh?).

  28. blf says

    What about the clean shaven?

    Heathens and infidels. Worse than the wimmen, at least they have an excuse.

  29. Sili, The Unknown Virgin says

    Why cultivate on your face what grows wild on your ass?

    Why sez it grows wild?

  30. mr.obelus says

    “This is also an illustration of why you are so mysterious to the clueless male.”

    pander

  31. JackC says

    Right there with ya, PZ. It is scary how similar our beards are. I have more hair though.

    JC

  32. Rev. BigDumbChimp says

    Evo Morales has claimed that both homosexuality and baldness can be caused by the humble chicken.

    What causes raving dumbfuckery?

  33. jack.rawlinson says

    I recently grew a beard, for the second time in my life. It was the full set, well-trimmed… all the way to the left.

    I shaved it off. I’m not sure I like being seen as trustworthy. It makes me uneasy. I had fun shaving it off, mind. I did it in stages and included the goatee, the Anton La Vey, the Zappa/Nick Cave, the “Is he gay, conservative or a cop?” and, yes, the Hitler.

    I do not look trustworthy with the Hitler. Oh dear me no. But it had to go.

  34. https://www.google.com/accounts/o8/id?id=AItOawneFKPEzAZBsanj9me6EOu2PjSlvbqyb8c says

    Aw shucks, I’m threatening/dangerous. In my estimate I’m able to grow a much more convincing playoff beard than Sidney Crosby but I’m still in the “patchy” -category. I guess I could point to the fact that I’m still in my early twenties, but too many of my peers are already beard legends for me to draw the age card.

    Curse my incompetent follicles, I’m never going to raise to the ranks of Darwin and Bin Laden… oh wait.

    -Watoosh

  35. Numenaster says

    I call shenanigans. Jamie Hyneman is in no way unsavory.

    (Considering that he works out, there are doubtless times when he’s quite savory indeed. Yum.)

  36. Celtic_Evolution says

    It’s a pity there is no such scale for females.

    Well… there is, although it focuses on a region slightly further south…

    Topic for another day…

  37. Azkyroth says

    The Bolivian president since 2005 added that eating chicken could make men go bald.

    Isn’t pattern baldness also *positively* correlated with male hormone levels?

  38. sasqwatch says

    Ladies, I’m sorry you’re left out. This is also an illustration of why you are so mysterious to the clueless male — you aren’t on the scale!

    Y’ain’t never heard of bearded clams?

  39. Lurky says

    Apparently I’m skimming the border of Very Trustworthy and Mildly Trustworthy. Is this something you can put on a CV? Citing the picture of course!

  40. David Marjanović says

    WTF. “Friendly chops”?!? That’s the Imperial And Royal beard of Francis Joseph the First And Last!

    I used to have a curly moustache, which put me, apparently, in the Questionable category. These days, I have an unkempt moustache and something vaguely resembling a goatee (thanks to finals, I’ve largely given up caring about my appearance), which, ironically, apparently makes me much more trustworthy.

    And funnily enough, the development of your beard mirrors the development of your brain…

    Me, I always wanted to have a full beard, like Daddy and PZ, when I grow up (and yes, laziness is one reason). The “growing up” part just hasn’t happened yet.

    OT, I have some beachfront property in Wyoming that some of you Europeans might be interest in buying. I offer it first to Europeans because Americans and Canadians don’t appreciate the glory that is Wyoming beaches.

    Aaaah… the Cretaceous beaches of Wyoming… :-)

  41. NewEnglandBob says

    I went from all the way on the left to the third spot from the left due to too much trouble coloring all that gray.

  42. David Marjanović says

    Isn’t pattern baldness also *positively* correlated with male hormone levels?

    Testosterone, yes. No idea about the other androgens.

  43. tsg says

    tsg –

    ahh… the playoff beard… growing it myself. This is for NHL playoffs, I assume?

    Is there another kind?

    Your team of choice?

    NJ Devils. Although they’ve been playing like they’ve got early tee times tomorrow. They’re down to having to win three in a row to move on against a team that pretty well dominated them in the regular season.

  44. GODis10-7 says

    So, at best I can be mildly-trustworthy…
    Damn rules about no hair where masks seal, although without those I’d be neutral with a set of friendly chops anyway.

  45. Knockgoats says

    I recently grew a beard – jack.rawlinson

    S’funny – I don’t need to grow a beard – I stopped shaving and it grew all by itself!

  46. Red John says

    I’m currently not on the scale, but a fair amount of the time I’m just to the right of Dan Dennett. I can settle for that.

  47. tsg says

    I recently grew a beard – jack.rawlinson

    S’funny – I don’t need to grow a beard – I stopped shaving and it grew all by itself!

    That’s my line:

    “Are you growing a beard?”
    “No, I’m just not shaving.”
    “What’s the difference?”
    “One implies effort.”

  48. Weed Monkey says

    I’m still working on my Burt Reynolds-moustache. If I only had the facial hair growth I’d go for Lemmy – which should, of course, be off the charts here, ‘coz so is Lemmy. Friendly chops, my arse.

  49. Flex says

    8th from the left, but the site is blocked from work so I can’t tell what they call it and it’s too small to read on PZ’s site.

    I guess I’m solidly in the normal trustworthiness level, but I’d recommend taking what I say with grain of salt.

    What I do know is that I see very few burnsides around.

  50. jcmartz.myopenid.com says

    Having facial hair is cumbersome–in my opinion–so I just shave everything.

  51. Gyeong Hwa Pak, Scholar of Shen Zhou says

    Yeah I’m trustworthy!!!

    but how come I don’t have the chest hair to accompany it?

  52. alysonmiers says

    OTOH, my maternal grandfather had “The Handlebar” and he was far better than “questionable,” so the chart has its limits. :p

  53. Feynmaniac, Chimerical Toad says

    My “truthworthy” beard can be used to mislead….

    the real reason for my “trustworthy” beard is that’s it’s minimum maintenance: no shaving, trimming once a month or so.

    Same here, except I trim a bit more often.

    Oh, and it also feeds me by collecting crumbs from previous meals.

  54. Pierce R. Butler says

    Burt Reynolds is more trustworthy than Abe Lincoln, and Colonel Sanders is above Alexandr Solzhenitsyn (aka Amish Al)?

    I jus’ dunno ’bout this…

  55. andrew h says

    i always thought i was pretty trustworthy, but i guess i need to upgrade from my patchy scruffy monthly beard to a burt reynolds for at least a few days…

    but really, i don’t see why shaving my chin and cheeks should invert my trustworthiness…

  56. Benjamin Geiger says

    I bounce between “Very Trustworthy” and “Unsavory” on a regular basis. I can’t grow a decent beard, but I can grow a goatstache/vandyke… but sometimes I just want a chin tuft instead.

  57. tommorris says

    So Dennett = Darwin. That is standard beard lore.

    But may I suggest that the late philosopher David Lewis ought to be considered the academic Gandalf. His beard looks remarkably like Gandalf the Grey’s beard. And since he is a modal realist, his white-bearded counterpart can be put through a modal black hole to play Gandalf the White. (Sorry, I’ll try to keep my metaphysics jokes to myself in future.)

    Don’t believe me? Lewis’ beard is mighty:
    http://www.princeton.edu/pr/pictures/l-r/lewis,david/lewisportrait.jpg

    There is of course the issue of programmers:

    http://www.codethinked.com/post/2007/12/06/The-Programmer-Dress-Code.aspx

    I have a rough hypothesis: strictness of type system is correlated to beard length.

    Notice how Guido van Rossum, creator of Python, has no beard at all. Nor does Larry Wall, creator of Perl. Yukihiro Matsumoto, creator of Ruby, has a wispy little beard. Gerald Jay Sussman – co-inventor of Scheme – no beard. Hal Abelson – of Abelson & Sussman SICP fame, Logo – no beard. PHP has a type system that makes me rage and Rasmus Lerdorf has barely any beard at all.

    Compare that to Dennis Ritchie, K&R, James Gosling (Java), Bjarne Strostrup (C++), Robin Milner and Roger Hindley (of Hindley-Milner type inference fame) and Philip Wadler (one of the designers of Haskell).

    There are two annoying exceptions I’ve found thus far: Simon Peyton Jones (Haskell, developer of GHC) and Martin Odersky (Scala, Pizza, GJ, javac).

  58. Cuttlefish, OM says

    I’d grow a beard, except that it would pretty much render my chromatophores useless.

  59. iambilly says

    I’m third most trustworthy. Not bad.

    The whole thing must change over time, though. Oliver Hardy had the Hitler ‘stache and he was thought of as rather trustworthy. And, say, fifteen years ago, the circle beard (goatee + mustache) was the hight of evil.

  60. https://me.yahoo.com/a/SaqGVG0xvJEQVwURVamS3DTCdvov0BLhXK1jOsYPPJQ-#b4893 says

    I am all the way over to the left, but then I read the footnote that this is not based on science, so I may not be as trustworthy as the chart would indicate.

    Since it’s not based on science, does that mean it’s based on religion?

    MikeM

  61. boygenius says

    I don’t know where I rank. I have a full beard and mustache, but I keep the sides and mustache trimmed somewhat short with a philosopher length goatee on the chin. So.. pretty trustworthy. But my head hair falls below the shoulder blades. So.. not so trustworthy?

    And I have Andy Rooney eyebrows.

  62. iambilly says

    MikeM: Could be politics. They have Hitler at the far right. And PZ at the far left, so . . .

  63. sean.peters3 says

    I’m also totally trustworthy. And clean-shaven dudes are clearly so untrustworthy that they’re off the scale.

  64. lorigb says

    Aww, apparently my boyfriend is threatening with his unkempt homeless guy beard.

    (Though he did go clean-shaven last Halloween to dress up as Daria. Which was awesome.)

  65. eyespy says

    I’m in at No. 3, with the standard moustache-goatee configuration.

    Although I wonder if it’s the same with a shaved head…

  66. Funkopolis says

    I tried a handlebar design
    My Fu Manchu was real fine
    My Ronald Colman made ’em blink
    My Pancho Villa made ’em think
    But when I trimmed ’em real small
    My Jewish friends would never call

  67. Andreas Johansson says

    I guess #3 is the closest match for my beard, tho I do not take responsibility for the consequences if you describe me as having a “goatee” within my hearing distance.

  68. natural cynic says

    I had to magnify the page to see what was third from the right and only found a werewolf. I guess that’s the right place for one.
    I first thought it was a cat, in which case it should have been in a separate category, far to the right of Hitler.
    And the Osama beard is in the correct place for trustworthiness. You can trust him to make the wrong choice.

  69. Rey Fox says

    I’m a bit surprised that the “cop mustache” is considered trustworthy.

    “And I wonder if there’s any intended political symbolism in the fact that the “Trustworthy” category are on the left of the page…”

    No, it’s because we read from left to right, and you can’t start with Hitler. It would be like eating desert first. If the desert was habanero cheesecake.

  70. Rey Fox says

    Meanwhile, if I were to let my facial hair grow, I would end up with a combination patchy/molester mustache/neck beard. And one rather hirsute mole to the right of my mouth. On the whole, I think I’d be better off with the Hitler toothbrush.

  71. https://me.yahoo.com/a/cfe5EdI2tPPS0JvzMQTyVrhdAjuEx5cM.Gc-#341a3 says

    I’d grow a beard, except that it would pretty much render my chromatophores useless.

    Beardy cuttlefish?
    On second thoughts, it would
    Be most endearing

  72. KillJoy says

    I rank somewhere between ‘questionable’ and ‘unsavory’ what with my goatee and all. :(

    KJ

  73. JSug says

    Interesting scale, except that there’s a very fine difference between the Wilford Brimley and the Handlebar, and they’re separated by half the chart. One is considered mildly trustworthy, and the other questionable. Where does Sam Elliot fall on this scale?

  74. OurDeadSelves says

    I do not have a beard. However, Mr. ODS does have the unsavory “chin tuft” which I absolutely hate.

    It looks like sculpted pubes, is what I’m saying. YOUR FACE IS NOT A PORN STAR!

  75. WowbaggerOM says

    I’m currently growing a goatee for the next play I’m in (The Tempest; while I’m technically old enough to be the father to the character playing my son, I don’t look it. Sadly, my facial hair is mostly translucent so I’ve actually got to dye it so that anyone more than three free away thinks I’ve got more than a second-rate soul patch.

    Oh, and the author of the article obviously isn’t a Douglas Adams fan, since if he was he’d know that the technical name for the ‘Amish beard’ is a scethrog, as noted in The Deeper Meaning of Liff*.

    *And possibly the earlier The Meaning of Liff; I wouldn’t know ’cause I’ve only ever read Deeper.

  76. Krystalline Apostate says

    This is also an illustration of why you are so mysterious to the clueless male — you aren’t on the scale!

    Never found a yardstick that could accurately measure a woman anyways.

  77. Haley says

    I don’t like beards of any kind, or stubble. I’m squeamish about chest hair too.

    I’d rather date a man who can’t grow facial hair at all.

  78. Crudely Wrott says

    PZ boasts, “I’m all the way to the left, under “Very Trustworthy”.”

    Judging by the graphics and your mug shot you appear to be correct. By similar judgment (eyes left!)* it also appears as though you are my right hand man. Thanks, pardner.

    What a radically ambiguous and ceaselessly flowing quantum soup we all live in.

    *since the beard to the right of you looks more like mine than any of the others. what? no, your other left

  79. Eidolon says

    Knockgoats @ 14:

    You could always go for the Isaac Asimov look. Like you, I have a very trustworthy beard as well. IIRC, the cop moustache was know as the porn star special at one time as well. The whole shaving thing seems, well, barber-ous.

  80. https://www.google.com/accounts/o8/id?id=AItOawnmfT6aBFwl3MgiYcsQJa_mnknTQi96v7s says

    They’ve got to be joking — neck beard is not a sign of trustworthiness/lack thereof. It’s the sign of dementia, the inability to shave low enough to actually shave your face clean.

  81. Mathew Wilder says

    I was full beard (trustworthy) for years, then I shaved for a girlfriend, and have stayed mostly clean shaven since then, although I always have sideburns (neutral) and occasionally mutton chops (almost questionable), but sometimes I might qualify for a full beard again if I’m just lazy and haven’t shaved for awhile.

  82. ronsullivan says

    I just shave everything.

    Eating chicken is easier.

    Shaving chicken is ridiculous.

  83. john.s.wilkins says

    That explains why nobody reads my blog: I’m not even on the scale, with a mo and a soul patch. Nobody trusts me…

  84. Gazza says

    Has anyone noticed that the very trustworthy philosopher’s beard bears a striking resemblance to Osama bin Laden’s?

    Worse still if you leave it too long between a trip to the barber your very trustworthy full beard becomes an unkempt threatening beard.

    Sobering to think the only thing between your freedom and going to Guantanamo is a good haircut.

  85. blf says

    Worse still if you leave it too long between a trip to the barber your very trustworthy full beard becomes an unkempt threatening beard.

    That’s broadly what happens to me, except I leave out the barber—unless a trip once every c.20 years counts. (Seriously! I was last at a barber in c.2000 to raise money for Amnesty International, and that was the first time I was at a barber since the early 1980s, which was at my parent’s insistence before interviewing for a job.)

  86. Pope Maledict DCLXVI says

    I’m another one for “mustache & goatee”, i.e. between “Mildy” (sic) and Very Trustworthy… but what’s questionable about the handlebar!? And while “clean shaven” is understandably not under consideration in the chart, why is “five o’clock shadow” omitted?

    More research required, methinx. (At least the author concedes it’s based on no evidence whatsoever.)

  87. Joe Fogey says

    I come out as very trustworthy too.

    Someone asked about the clean shaven. Where do you think the term “bare-faced liar” comes from?

  88. MichelleZB says

    I think the chart is pretty much right on, except I find goatees less trustworthy than it does. Also, I don’t think there would be anything wrong with mutton chops–they’re out of style this century, but they’ll be back any time now–and I think an unkept beard can look cool.

    I love beards on men and wonder why so many women make their partners shave. My dad and my husband have beards (full beard). Also, so does Lieutenant Riker on Star Trek. Need I say more?

    Well I will: if your dad doesn’t have a beard, you’ve got two mums.

  89. Timberwoof says

    Hm. I’m usually the third one from the end, but sometimes I’m the third one from the end.

  90. Die Anyway says

    I’ve had pretty much the same ‘full beard’ for 37 years with a couple of brief tries at the Col. Sanders and the Hogan look. I don’t know if people think I look trustworthy but the Evolve fish and the FSM insignia on my car probably make me a bit less trustworthy in the eyes of the local biblecrats.

  91. Peter Ashby says

    I’m not on the scale. I have a standard mustache (full well trimmed) and a small soul patch. Oh woe is me, uncategorised. Never mind, at least I have some facial hair.

  92. https://www.google.com/accounts/o8/id?id=AItOawkl9RMIRpiHQ8NiO8f5l56Ssk7Vc4a3KKU says

    Full beard and handlebar moustache – I’m very trustworthy and questionable. I guess it’s questionable how much you should trust me…