The things one learns on the internet — now I know the proper way to stimulate a bull elephant, in case the opportunity ever comes up. It looks strenuous and hazardous.
I’m also amazed at the way the elephant just stands there and accepts servicing by the team of creepy bipeds. If some small species of mammal tried to massage my prostate, I’d be on a rampage of squealing disgust trying to get the icky creatures out of my butt.
Thats what they all say
..someone with less class than myself would be tempted to make a joke about Richard Gere and gerbils at this point.
Right, but it’s an important step toward raising elephants for steak.
Some elephants are just kinky that way.
Next thing you know he’ll be visiting websites featuring human/pachyderm pr0n.
I wonder in how many fields this statement can be made without the risk of a defamation suit.
On another note, I’ve been reading The Ringworld Throne and I’m thinking that the elephants just have their own version of rishathra.
Methinks thou doth protest too specific.
Also, what would the equivalent animal be for a human? A racoon? Or maybe some kind of lemur? I think at this moment there’s a site sprouting up featuring a guy being fisted by a shrew or something.
Reading that, I immediately imagine “Several Species of Small Furry Animals Gathered Together in a Cave and Grooving with a Pict”
Humph. Homocentric ferret-hater!
The things in you learn in a Monday morning thanks to the internet…
What IS in that Irish coffee, PZ?
That’s got to be a fun game of “guess my profession” at parties:
“There’s a famous colleague who got a black eye from penis banging.”
So, we’ve got homosexual inter-species prostate-massage masturbation? Shouldn’t some merry band of fundies be all over this, decrying the sinfulness of it all?
One day, the guys trying to decode those elephant infrasonic communication rumbles will team up with the sperm collection guys. And we will discover the elephant equivalent for the phrase “Oh yeah, right there, right fucking there, monkey boy. Now spank me and call me Sarah.”
Hmm. I guess I’d better not send PZ a copy of my illustrated fanfic, then.
I can’t watch the video from work but is it anything like the giraffe scene from The League of Gentlemen’s Apocalypse?
I’m almost afraid to ask, but is that video safe for work?
Such an awesome quote.
@MetzO’Magic: There are brief shots of a guy with his hand up an elephant’s ass, and the elephant’s resulting erection, so take that as you will.
I’ve never been so completely unsure about my desire to watch a video clip in my entire life… 8-/
Squid porn + Guinness =–> Elephant Porn
I can truthfully say that the idea of masturbating an elephant never crossed my mind before. Now I don’t think I can ever go to the zoo again without being reminded of this. Damn you, Myers!
It’s 50 seconds of people milling around and 3 seconds of squick.
#22
Sorry I got ta do this…I am prepared for the dungeon…might catch up on my reading!
“Mum …Dad and prepubescent son at the zoo!
Son to father…
“Dad what is that big thing between that elephant’s back legs?
Father to son…
“Better ask your mother” says father a little embarrassed.
Son trots over to mum and a conversation ensues…
Son trots back to daddy…
“Mum says that’s nothing”
Dad to son…
“Ahh! yeah well you see mummy is spoilt!”
Got me the coat and on me way…apologies for an oldie but goldie!
PZ…Its monday morning…second coffee in hand and I needed a good laugh…Thank You and have a good day,
Darrell
I wanted to look up “proboscal sex”, but my mother got the dictionary banned.
Thanks for the mental image. Just what I needed to kick off my Monday morning…
–Raynfala
Years ago I worked for a company that repaired lab equipment for the local university (among other things) and one of the items that came in every once in a while was ram electro-ejaculators (this was in New Zealand). These were plastic devices that used a small pulsating current to stimulate the ram’s prostate (via the rectum). There were a number of jokes associated with them like asking the tech if tested it, putting up a “sign-out” sheet for anyone who wanted to borrow it for the weekend, etc.
After seeing that, I now realize how I’ve been wasting my life…
“So – howdya get that black eye?”
Now we have a better answer than a lame “I walked into a door.”
#28
Blondin, I work in the veterinary field, and am familiar with those jokes. The best one wrote itself – the name of the contraption was the Accujack. Truth in advertising, I suppose.
I will never forget the first time that we collected semen from a dog. Fortunately that’s a doctor job, not a tech job, because I am certainly not paid enough to masturbate a dog… ugh. So, for these keepers, it could be worse. In theory.
That reminds me of an old joke:
What’s grey and comes in quarts?
So…a pachyderm fluffer? Wow.
On the serious side, this is (AIUI) a standard technique in animal husbandry, & is used on horses & cattle.
There was a show on TV about dirty jobs and one was about how to milk valuable horses so their bloodlines could be more efficiently propagated. You should have seen the size of those condoms – on a proportional basis, probably bigger than an elephant’s. The most interesting part was the fact that one ejaculation was worth $14,000. The techs took their jobs VERY seriously.
“…there’s a famous colleague that got a black eye from penis banging…”
{too many jokes, trying to keep brain intact, the pain, the pain}
I’m going to lie down in a darkened room for a while. Actually no. I’m going to make myself a pitcher of pina coladas and drink until the mental images go away.
Louis
Given the sheer mass of the pachyderm relative to a human, I’d worry that a black eye would be the least of repercussions to the corpus of the master, uh, baiter.
Talk about “hazard pay.”
Still learning,
Robert
You just never know what you are going to learn today
What I don’t understand is why this is totally legal, but if you did this same thing and masturbated yourself at the same time, or used a penis to stimulate the elephant, it is illegal…
Presumably, if you just neglected to collect the semen, it would be illegal.
I’d like to propose the use of the phrase “Masturbate the Elephant” as a euphemism for doing something unwise – kinda like “Tickling the Dragon’s Tail” – with the added implication that the act may be beneficial to the recipient but potentially embarrassing to the perpetrator.
For example: “I heard Dawkins friended AiG on their Facebook page – he’d better stop masturbating the elephant!”
Whadda ya’ll think? PZ?
Prude.
fortunately, the icky creatures in my butt are nonmammalian
*wikipeeks*
Rishathra:
Yeah. You do need to modify that definition.
Back to Buttweasels I see.
It all comes full circle here.
#38:
Why so bitter? Can’t you leave that incident behind you and move on?
The end of this post is probably the funniest thing I’ve seen in days.
Non-sequitur, but I’m thinking “Creepy Bipeds” would be a great band name.
Still learning,
Robert
So I guess Tom Green did it wrong.
“If some small species of mammal tried to massage my prostate, I’d be on a rampage of squealing disgust trying to get the icky creatures out of my butt.”
Ah, but what about some small species of cephalopod? Hmmmm?
Thanks, Naked Bunny et. al.
In the end, I erred on the side of caution and decided to watch it at home. Not as groundbreaking as I expected it to be. Bring on the squid pr0n, by all means.
Veterinary lab tech: Dr. Myers, if you wanna come on back, we’ll show you how to do this so next time you don’t have to bring in the elephant, you can just bring in the semen.
PZ: That’s ok, he follows me around too much as it is!
Ray Comfort: “You see how the arm fits perfectly to stimulate the animal’s prostate. Surely it was designed with this purpose.”
Someone should totally make a mashup.
Inasmuch as an elephant’s penis is prehensile (thanks, Animal Planet- sometimes animal porn channel for that little tidbit), that elephant seems to have had a pretty good aim when he punished that perverted mammal fisting him. Just remember that the sex should be consensual.
…reacharound, not fisting…
Speaking of pachyderm fluffers, I hear the pay is peanuts but the tips are enormous!
It’s a sign of my upbringing that this video seemed completely normal to me, although we horse breeders have generally abandoned manual stimulation for breeding dummies with artificial vaginas.
@56: I’m sure the stallions are very grateful for that.
The RealHorse. Blimey. Technology advances once again.