I thought I knew of all the institutions of higher learning in my neighborhood, but I seem to have missed one: The University Of Metaphysical Sciences, located in the small town of Kandiyohi, Minnesota. I even know exactly where that is — it’s just outside of Willmar, where my wife works every day.
You might be wondering what, exactly, you would learn at a University Of Metaphysical Sciences. Well, that isn’t clear. You get to learn about Colors and Symbols, and Chakras, and how to connect with Angels (if I were younger, I’d be tempted to get a degree in that, just so I could use it as a pick-up line), and Miracles, and the Energy of Money.
How much does it cost? Tuition is a low, low $2000. It’s even cheaper than it sounds, because they assure us that most students can complete a full Ph.D. program in only a year — it’s so quick and easy, they even recommend that you get two doctoral degrees! I’m feeling slow and inadequate now…it took me five years to get just one.
What about accreditation? Well, accreditation, they assure us, is entirely optional and not necessary, but just in case, they do have accreditation from the American Alternative Medical Association and the American Association Of Drugless Practitioners. That really should count as just one, though: their webpages look identical, only the names, fonts and backgrounds have been changed, and they all trace back to the same small town outfit in Gilmer, Texas. They seem to be in the business of selling certificates to hang on a wall (only $285, they accept both Visa and MasterCard), so at least they seem to be UMS’s peer institutions!
And just what can you do with a Ph.D. in Metaphysics? I wish I could say you learn how to fly, negate energy fields, and speak dolphin, but this is all you can do:
A degree from University Of Metaphysical Sciences qualifies a graduate to perform official ceremonies such as ministerial work, weddings, spiritual counseling, teaching, lecturing on the international circuit, credentialed book writing, setting up a spiritual center, and a variety of other services.
Isn’t that just…fluffy? Makes me want to run down to Kandiyohi and, I don’t know, piss in their mail slot or something. Or maybe explain to their students that their accrediting institutions are mail drops in Texas, that their degrees are completely worthless, that none of their credits will ever transfer to a legitimate college, and that no, a mail-order diploma from a joke like UMS does not give you any credibility on the international lecture circuit.