Weird ol’ Target is now selling talking Jesus toys. Isn’t there something in the Bible about idols? Isn’t it turning their divine prophet into a cheap gimmick, literally? It seems to me that the real blasphemies seem to emanate from the Christians themselves, rather than us atheists.
It might be a useful toy for breaking indoctrination, though, when the kiddies discover that Jesus has “Made in China” imprinted on the sole of his foot, and that they can play games that have him shacking up with Barbie. And Ken.
Fuck that. I’m waiting for Ejaculation Action Onan, Filicide Action Abraham, and Genocide Action Moses before I buy the Bible line.
I wonder if Jesus will give kids lead poisoning.
Looks like he comes with a whole host (yes catholics, that was deliberate) of sidekicks. It’s just like the Avengers or the Fantastic Four….only crap(er), crass(er), and stupid(er). Wonder if they have a flight suit for this one too? I also wonder how anatomically correct they all are under there, as that always seems to upset the thumpers. How many kids are going to take a peek to see if the Mighty Mary Hymenator is actually virgo intacto? And the catholic league was upset by chocolate jesus? I give up, it is impossible to parody these people.
Hey, on second thoughts, I have an idea. I’m sure there would be a market for religious figure fleshlights…”O how I love the lord!” Now if only Ted Haggart wasn’t so broke…
I just love the “features” bullet points for the product listing:
PowerPoint Jesus!
I’ve lurked for a while but am now inspired to share my knowledge.
This link is meant to be spread amongst the true non-believers.
http://www.catholicshopper.com/products/inspirational_sport_statues.html
The Golfing Jesus is obviously getting his jollies on. Its positively DIRTY.
I want the action figure Jehovah with the dung spreading feature.
Hey, Jesus and all the rest of them Judeo-Christian heroes is white.
What a surprise.
I hate to use the tripe of internet text acronyms, but,
OMG LOL ROFL And Ken. I just about had a heart attack.
The wife came in to see if I was ok. Damn that was funny.
Many customers have requested these Jesus Sport Statues depicting children other than Caucasian
Funny, they don’t say whether the same customers also requested that the statues depict Jesus as “other than Caucasian” too.
It will be nice to see the normal life of a toy: getting mixed with the Jedis, changing clothes, becoming naked, loosing an harm or an eye… I wonder if the zealots parents will get angry with the kids.
Speaking of toys, what about impaling and burying a toy monkey as an anti-Darwin protest?
I actually caught part of a debate about those the other day. (Train wreck sort of thing, couldn’t stop watching. And giggling.) I particularly enjoyed the comment from the anti-side about how Jesus didn’t want his image cheapened and mass-produced. Because I’m sure he much prefers having some Botox-stick-up-the-arse telefundie put words in his mouth.
It’s not a Buddy Christ, I’m not buying it.
“Funny, they don’t say whether the same customers also requested that the statues depict Jesus as ‘other than Caucasian’ too.”
Weren’t Middle Easterners once classified as “Caucasian” too?
I’ll bet the fundies would scream bloody murder if some one came out with a talking Lucifer
Calladus reviewed them here.
I think a Jesus version of PowerPoint ought to limit users to 5
woundspoints and then display them in an arrangement something akin to the Southern Cross rather than in a traditional columnar list manner.Sheesh: brown hair + olive skin + brown eyes?! Fercrissakes, he looks Italian! Target totally dropped the ball on that one! And they call themselves a Minnnesota-based company!!! Where are his dainty Nordic features — his alabaster skin, his luxurious blonde ringlets framing his face, and his piercing blue eyes?! OMG OMG OMG
If it didn’t cost $19.99 (nice one), I’d probably buy one to add to my collection of wierd figurines, and place him in between my wind-up nunzilla and my vibrating Mr. Potatohead doll. For a more reasonably priced Jesus action figure, check out this company.
The question is, does it glow in the dark?
Two questions: Will some social engineer- hopefully, switch voice chips so that Jeebus says, “Let’s go Shopping!”? And does He come with Kung Fu Grip?
They need a slutty Delihla to go with Samson the Spirit Warrior and some drowned dead cats, dogs and people (a whole family would be a nice touch) to go with Noah.
I HATE the story of the flood.
RE: #19
That is hilarious. If you haven’t already, do yourselves a favor and check out the “Submissive Jesus Prayer Answering Talking Head” at the link j.t.delaney provided. Don’t forget to watch the video. Definitely good for a few laughs. Shit, I might even buy one.
I actually bought one of these that I found at my local WalMart. (Sorry, I have a weakness for tacky Jesus memoribilia. He’s now sitting next to my Buddy Christ.)
The first thing that caught my eye is that JC is freakin’ ripped! I mean he looks like GI Joe on the juice.
No wimpy pansy in a flowing white nightie here. This Jesus is ready to kick some ass and take names for his old man. I’m surprised he didn’t come with an AK-47.
I’m waiting for the Lot and his daughters interactive set.
Given the way kids get bored, play with their toys, and end up destroying them, I’m sure talking Jesus is going to have a short but interesting life.
With boys, he will most likely end up fighting in some war with GIs, Indians, and assorted other soldiers.
With girls it is inevitable that Jesus will spend a lot of time with Barbie.
Anatomically correct? If so, this could get really weird for curious kids.
Have any of you ever seen “The Secret Life of Brian?” It’s a documentary of the making of “The Life of Brian.” John Cleese says one of the best things when asked about his own childhood/background- he had an epiphany that pretty much all of Christianity is in violation of the 2nd commandment. Think: crosses, stained glass windows, and tons of other images and idols used so frequently.
Sweet Jesus has returned to New York.
His naked chocolate holiness will be up in a gallery in Chelsea.
Expect much wringing of hands and catholic outrage.
What Alan (#4) said! In the mean time, at least we have divine interventions…
Bride of Shrek, you just made my day. Hockey Jesus!!!
Very Funny!
Isn’t it turning their divine prophet into a cheap gimmick, literally?
Target is only interested in their divine profit.
It would only be “literally” if their divine prophet actually existed.
I need to buy one of these.
Somewhere I have a keychain that swears in fun ways when you press different buttons. I could replace the innards!
Or then there’s that “Talking Kevin” collector doll from Home Alone that does that blood-curdling scream… I could scrounge one of those up. Is this Jesus crucified, by any chance?
Well, if he does, he can heal them!
Weren’t Middle Easterners once classified as “Caucasian” too?
It was just flattery so we could get their oil. Middle Easterners were about as likely to be allowed into the country club as were Jews, Italians, or Hispanics.
I’d buy it but I’m waiting for the mohammed action figure.
#12: Speaking of toys, what about impaling and burying a toy monkey as an anti-Darwin protest?
It’s the same time-honored practice of “scapegoating” that Hitchens referred to in his last debate, in which a young goat was beaten and driven into the wilderness to atone for the sins of the tribe.
Oh, I’m going to love it when THESE end up in the clearance bin. My own, personal Jesus.
… but only at half price or less. That’s cheap enough for chemistry demonstrations.
Speaking of Target, what’s with their seemingly increased pandering to the religious lately? My local Target just put up a kiosk for a movie-censoring DVD player. Now, talking Jesus dolls. What gives?
My guess is that the Christian lead paint used in the mass manufacture of Christ-Idols in China will magically cure children of their oh-so-sinful rational thinking abilities.
And to hammer that point home, look what else you can get from Target: Satanic Bible by Anton Szandor Lavey. If someone’s buying it, Target will sell it.
Holy crap, forget the talking Jesus doll, now you can engage in Jesus adult fantasy roleplaying (unfortunately sold out…)
Woe to the kiddie who asks for Optimus Prime for Christmas and gets talking Jesus.
Resulting scenario: Kiddie with cool parents, “My action figure has a sword and can turn into a car!” Kiddie with not so cool parents, “Oh yeah, well mine can spout out religious propaganda so even when we’re playing we don’t forget to be good, moral Christians”
However, I must concede that Jesus did have one semi-cool power, he could turn water into wine (beer would have been better). Probably good they left that out of the marketing scheme though, no one wants a bunch of drunken nine year olds running around.
Things the Talking Jesus Action Figure might say:
I tell you what, that Ron Jeremy can ACT.
The Rapture is God’s way of clearing out the anti-intellectual riffraff.
OJ is innocent. I know who the real killers are. And Ann Coulter is really a dude.
I’m here to pick up another truckload of pineapples for Satan, for Jerry Falwell’s punishment.
And you thought I was gonna come back in the flesh. Happy End Times, sucker!
I just saw into Jessica Alba’s soul, and I feel a most unholy stirring in my nether regions.
Father Nelson, put my robe back on! Shame on you!
There is no god but Allah, and Mohammed is his prophet.
Gosh, Ken, a whole day at the beach! (chip program error)
By the Sword of Greyskull, your evil days are done, Skeletor! (chip program error)
Thundercats are on the move, Thundercats are loose! (chip program error)
I’m voting a straight GOP ticket in November! (chip program error)
All your cathedral are belong to us.
Crosses?? You people DO know how I died, right?
Will there be a Bathroom Stall Toe-Tapping Action Jesus later down the line? I don’t want to spend my money now if a better version will come out later.
And will these people put out a Coat Hanger Abortion Action Republican Congressman line?
Will I get a Fatwa Action Imam in the near future?
And will Santa deliver these toys to children? After all, fundamentalists are wise to Santa’s attempts to supplant Jesus, and Santa might not like the competition.
Also, since this Jesus is white and has blue eyes, will his voice chip include, “THE JEWS KILLED ME! THE JEWS!” or “The Bible has been corrupted and rewritten in a vast Zionist conspiracy!”?
Oh, and here’s the official site for the talking Jesus doll and others. Check out how puny David’s arms are compared to his head. Even better are their Spirit Warriors line of 13″ muscled action figures (currently only Goliath and Samson), which combine Bible stories with homoerotic pro-wrestling imagery… “I can’t quit you, Samson!”
The company making all these, One2Believe, has a page titled “battle for the toybox” (complete with promotional video and poster) where they announce that secular stores will be carrying their toys and frame the move militaristically:
So how long until we hear about how militant Christians are targeting children?
Oh, and here’s the official site ( messengersoffaith.net ) for the talking Jesus doll and others. Check out how puny David’s arms are compared to his head. Even better are their Spirit Warriors line of 13″ muscled action figures (currently only Goliath and Samson), which combine Bible stories with homoerotic pro-wrestling imagery.
The company making all these, One2Believe, has a page titled “battle for the toybox” (complete with promotional video and poster) where they announce that secular stores will be carrying their toys and frame the move militaristically:
So how long until we hear about how militant Christians are targeting children?
That, sadly, explains why they also sell homeopathic remedies in the pharmacy department. They like homeopathy so much that they even have Target-brand homeopathy. (I’ll give them this – it’s probably cheap to make…)
I suppose it pays to cover all bases. If the real medicine doesn’t work, customers can buy the homeopathic remedy. When that doesn’t work, well then they can buy Talking Jesus to cure them!
You know if parents only buy these toys for their kids in the “Battle for The Toybox (Allahu Akbar)”, then by the time those kids are done being ostracized by their friend, they’ll want to strap bombs to themselves.
(Sorry for the double posts, thought the first one was autorejected for too many spammish looking links.)
And just to illustrate what’s at stake in the “Battle for the Toybox” (part of the “War on Christmas”?) here’s a 2003 weekly update from Cutting Edge Ministries exposing one evil toy that Target was selling:
It’s a very scary world for some Christians.
I saw him in the store too. It was the first time I’ve ever heard Jesus call my name! Almost made a believer out of me until reason prevailed again.
Now I have… plans… for Plastic Jesus.
I think they ought to advertise Mary “with Impenetrable Hymen!” Give the little kids a challenge.
Is she affliction spec by any chance? I’m just asking because, although affliction spec is the way to go, she should really go with demonology if she’s going to have any chance against Jesus and his shadow immunity.
Barbie recieves loot: [Crown of Thorns]
Barbie recieves loot: [Jesus’s Sash]
Ken says: OMG NINJA!1!
Also, seeming to have taken the advice of fundamentalists everywhere who are quick to point out that Jonah was not in the belly of a whale but a “big fish”, and that saying otherwise will have you damned to the pit where a thousand demons will gnaw eternally at your ever-regenerating entrails amid the flames which burn but do not consume, the toy company has made a “Jonah and the Big Fish” set… but they clearly don’t understand something.
Their slogan should be, “Toys for the Kent Hovinds of the future!”
Er, I just went up to the main page of Cutting Edge Ministries… Did you know that Global Warming has been proven to be cause by humans because the Lord allowed the wicked Luciferian New World Order to gain the knowledge of how to control the weather using Scalar Wave technology via HAARP and Russian radio towers in order to instigate the End of the Age?
It’s CONCLUSIVELY PROVEN TRUE: UN laws forbid using Weather Control as a lethal weapon upon other states; the very existence of laws about cars proves that cars exist; therefore laws about weather control proves weather control exists! Q.E.D.!
Accept Jesus now or SUFFER SATAN’S WEATHER MACHINES!
#56
Hey, quit quoting Timecube at us!
Oh, wait. Sorry, I was getting my Internet kooks mixed up again. Carry on!
Probably, there is after all a product called “Jackhammer Jesus”, for the women that want to get *closer* to god. http://www.divine-interventions.com/jackhammer.html
In fact, I am pretty sure some of the stuff on there is for guys too, though I don’t remember. Stumbled on it like 1-2 years ago through some random link. Damn funny the kinds of stuff you come across on the net.
I would love to see one of those Jesus statuettes designed to “help” children with sports where Jesus was “helping” a couple of midget, amputee mud-wrestlers. After all, who needs the help of Jesus more than they do?
Now THAT’s a sitcom idea!
[sings]Come and knock on our door. . . .we’ve been waiting for you. . . .[/sings]
It was just flattery so we could get their oil. Middle Easterners were about as likely to be allowed into the country club as were Jews, Italians, or Hispanics.
Actually I believe it was because the white supremacists, to prove that northern Europeans were genetically superior, decided to make Babylonians, Sumerians, Hebrews, and other ancient Middle Eastern peoples “white” to cover up the fact that northern Europeans became dominant relatively recently, thus destroying their theories. Heck, even Ethiopians and Indians have been admitted to the “Caucasian” club.
However, I must concede that Jesus did have one semi-cool power, he could turn water into wine (beer would have been better). Probably good they left that out of the marketing scheme though, no one wants a bunch of drunken nine year olds running around.
Alcohol is overrated. Now Coke on the other hand…