Wingnuttia, O Wingnuttia. There are so many lunacies uttered in that fabled land that one cannot possibly keep up with them all, so it’s useful when one of them distills it all down and gives us a condensed list of the properties of a True Conservative. We have such a useful list, written by Rob Hood in the Conservative Voice. He is a very silly man, but that online rag has him up there on the front page with Robert Novak and…and…well, a lot of ranting nobodies. This is a distinguished host in Wingnuttia, though!
As a matter of fact if you like Ann Coulter and want to make some liberals’ blood pressure to rise, all you have to do is tell them nine key things that conservatives and Christians believe and they will lose their mind:
Ready? We’re going to lose our minds!
1) Evolution is a myth. Creation is real. God is real. It is still legal to say the word Jesus.
Jesus Christ, really? I had no idea. Jesus. I’m going to have to start using that word more often in conversation. Jesus! People really think that?
Otherwise, though, that’s wrong from the first sentence. Evolution is a well-supported science, with an impressive quantity of supporting evidence. Not that I believe any creationist will ever read it (I’ve been throwing that link at them for years, and they never respond to it.)
2) The Earth is only around 6000 years old. Noah built an ark and the world was flooded which created the Grand Canyon. Millions of years is absurd.
Oh, but I forgot: true Christians and Conservatives believe the earth is only 6K years old. It’s an easy metric to use, at least, and we should stick with it since it will greatly increase the number of godless liberals on the planet, by definition.
Oh, yeah: Jesus.
3) Global Warming is a myth and is totally junk science that should be trashed. Volcanoes produce more harmful pollutants in one eruption that all of the cars and factories in the United States have in the last 50 years. For more on the junk science of global warming and Al Gore’s post election failure elusions, take a look at Tom Bethell’s bestseller, The Politically Incorrect Guide to Science at www.booksamillion.com/ncom/books?id=3517879932526&isbn=089526031X
Unfortunately for our good Christian Conservative, the evidence for global warming is so overwhelming that even George W Bush is coming around (oh, but we need merely recalibrate Wingnuttia yet further to the right, to be able to declare that Bush is a liberal).
4) Jesus was resurrected from the dead and will one day return to judge the world and create a new one while the one we live in now will be destroyed.
5) Merry Christmas! Yes, it’s still legal and above else, normal to say these words at CHRISTmas.
Jesus, yes! I’m a freaking unholy atheist, and I celebrate Christmas—I’m doing my part to make sure it’s a secular holiday. Maybe if the Conservative Christians want to really protect the holiday from the depredations of the atheists, they need to forbid non-Christians from using the phrase.
As it is, come December I’ll greet the family with “Merry Christmas!” And because this is Minnesota, I’ll follow up with, “Jesus Christ, it’s cold out there.”
6) Abortion is murder because God alone has the authority to create and take a life in the womb.
I love how he was careful to tack on that “in the womb” clause, because as we all know, it’s OK to snuff out human lives once they’re out of the womb—Jesus is OK with that.
7) Homosexuality is sin because God CREATED (again going back to creation) a woman for Adam, not another man. God condemns homosexuality and any sexual sin including sex outside of marriage.
Wait…the only created woman in this myth is Eve. All the others running around right now were born and are female by the luck of acquiring two X chromosomes, while all the men were born by the luck of gaining a Y chromosome. If the nature and intent of origin are the reasons Adam and Eve got it on, either a) either we’re all intended to have sex with Eve (downsides: very old, probably extinct, and there’s only one of her) or b) if it’s OK with Jesus to have sex with other non-created human beings, males and females are equivalent in their origin.
I wish someday someone could explain to me why a vast Cosmic Intelligence, omnipotent and all knowing, is so darned worried about which appendage touches which orifice in a mob of billions of busy, short-lived beings in whom he has imbued a desperate desire to bump appendages/orifices. It seems so petty and futile.
Oh, and by the way, this is going to break Rob’s pure and manly heart, but his article in the Conservative Voice was run with the two little ads to the right. Go ahead, click on it to see a larger screen capture. We’re not laughing with you, Rob, we’re laughing at you.
8) The Holy Bible is the divine, inspired, infallible Holy Word of God.
Yeah, yeah, we know you’re a dogmatic Christian git, Rob. Jesus.
9) The Second Amendment is in the constitution and should stay just as it is. Prosecute criminals, not victims!
Jesus, this one just comes out of nowhere. Is defense of small bits of one nation’s constitution written up in the Bible, somewhere? Are people outside of the United States who don’t give a hoot about our local laws incapable, therefore of being Christian, or Conservative? There also seem to be a lot of liberals about who would say of this declaration, “Jesus, Rob, so it is! The Second Amendment is in the Constitution of the US! Nothing gets by you, Rob!”
Aww, I didn’t lose my mind at all. Did you? All I learned was that only very uptight, freaky Bible Belt god-wallopers count as true Conservatives, and that I should say “Merry Christmas” and “Jesus” a lot more.
So Merry Christmas to you, Rob, from the bottom of my godless, holiday-usurping heart. Jesus. Jesus H. Christ.