1 00:00:32,000 --> 00:00:38,000 SpokesGay: Oooh, authentic Native woodwinds! 2 00:00:39,000 --> 00:00:45,000 szvan: *sigh* Mock without me for a bit. Still trying to get to the movie. I'll catch up. 3 00:00:55,000 --> 00:01:01,000 CA7746: An experimental film that never lights the foreground. 4 00:02:56,000 --> 00:03:02,000 SpokesGay: Hi. I'm Dr. Dirk Whiteson. 5 00:03:02,000 --> 00:03:08,000 szvan: "I'm not here for medical attention. I'm a plot point." 6 00:04:09,000 --> 00:04:15,000 SpokesGay: Hey, they laughed at Galileo. 7 00:04:48,000 --> 00:04:54,000 SpokesGay: My enZYME? That's none of your beeswax fella. 8 00:06:03,000 --> 00:06:09,000 SpokesGay: "to. .to love." 9 00:07:00,000 --> 00:07:06,000 SpokesGay: Dude, who painted that volcano? Our village looks SICK! 10 00:07:36,000 --> 00:07:42,000 SpokesGay: Fear me not, cave-dwellers. I come in science. 11 00:08:15,000 --> 00:08:21,000 lousycanuck: This doctor is the love child of Ricardo Montalban and Bruce Campbell... yet the OTHER guy's named Ash 12 00:08:59,000 --> 00:09:05,000 SpokesGay: not talk at me. . I'm reading the script phonetically." 13 00:12:04,000 --> 00:12:10,000 SpokesGay: It's crowning-grab the head! 14 00:12:34,000 --> 00:12:40,000 SpokesGay: Not quite. . . domesticated. 15 00:12:49,000 --> 00:12:55,000 szvan: What?! The guy with the facial scars is a bad guy? Who'dathunk? 16 00:13:56,000 --> 00:14:02,000 lousycanuck: Bet these guys have a great genetics lab back at the village. 17 00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:33,000 SpokesGay: Tell me he didn't just say, "supposaBly" 18 00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:31,000 SpokesGay: There's a lotta ass for so early in the movie. 19 00:15:38,000 --> 00:15:44,000 szvan: Aw, look at the scared little primitives. 20 00:15:52,000 --> 00:15:58,000 lousycanuck: Wow. How is Doctor Jerkface ordering these local tribes around so forcefully? I can only imagine they'd be like "lolwut" IRL. 21 00:16:00,000 --> 00:16:06,000 SpokesGay: Dude, I totally know it's ass crack behind that towel. 22 00:16:48,000 --> 00:16:54,000 CA7746: Market the panacea? Nah, resurrect a deadly cryptid instead. 23 00:17:18,000 --> 00:17:24,000 lousycanuck: "Wooooow! I've never gotten that trick to work on the first try!" say the children to the simple magic trick. 24 00:17:30,000 --> 00:17:36,000 szvan: Who knew the guy with flowers who likes kids would be the good guy? 25 00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:33,000 szvan: Who knew the highly professional blonde who's just a little too self-contained would be the love interest in need of rescue? 26 00:18:32,000 --> 00:18:38,000 szvan: Sure, I'm predicting. Does anyone think I'm wrong? 27 00:19:19,000 --> 00:19:25,000 lousycanuck: I like that this good-looking Hawaiian guy is playing a native to... where is this? Brazil? 28 00:19:51,000 --> 00:19:57,000 laencleardale: So when do the Iron Chefs come out? Is alien the secret item? Or DNA? 29 00:21:58,000 --> 00:22:04,000 lousycanuck: Elsewhere: lightning crashes. An old mother cries. And some nerds say "fuck" a lot. 30 00:22:03,000 --> 00:22:09,000 SpokesGay: OMG, gents. Enough F-bombs, fellas! 31 00:22:12,000 --> 00:22:18,000 lousycanuck: "It's moving in." How do you KNOW that from the blinking yellow and red alert sign!? 32 00:22:37,000 --> 00:22:43,000 CA7746: Hold onto your butts. 33 00:23:18,000 --> 00:23:24,000 SpokesGay: SIMULATED JUNGLE TIME. 34 00:23:23,000 --> 00:23:29,000 lousycanuck: Simulated jungle time? That's when you have an intern slap you with a fern repeatedly in a semi-dark room, right? 35 00:23:28,000 --> 00:23:34,000 SpokesGay: HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAHHA. SIMULATED JUNGLE TIME. 36 00:23:39,000 --> 00:23:45,000 szvan: How long until she screams at a giant reptile or bug? 37 00:24:22,000 --> 00:24:28,000 SpokesGay: You like my means? Yeah. Yeah, you do. 38 00:25:39,000 --> 00:25:45,000 szvan: Two minutes. 39 00:26:01,000 --> 00:26:07,000 SpokesGay: "You're out of biz-a-ness." 40 00:26:41,000 --> 00:26:47,000 SpokesGay: God guys-this river is hawwwt. 41 00:26:47,000 --> 00:26:53,000 szvan: Can we talk child labor here? 42 00:27:23,000 --> 00:27:29,000 SpokesGay: You told me to pack lunch, wtf? 43 00:28:15,000 --> 00:28:21,000 laencleardale: Wow I've never seen anyone draw a moustache on their finger before...how original. 44 00:28:39,000 --> 00:28:45,000 SpokesGay: "Didn't your mother ever teach you to assume I'd carry a purse in the Amazon?" 45 00:28:47,000 --> 00:28:53,000 laencleardale: Damn I had leeches for what would make her scream. So much for that bet. 46 00:28:52,000 --> 00:28:58,000 lousycanuck: YEAH, your "simulated jungle time" didn't include putting on clothing to avoid getting ticks on your nethers. 47 00:29:11,000 --> 00:29:17,000 SpokesGay: Huh-huh, girls, amirite Native Kid? 48 00:29:39,000 --> 00:29:45,000 lousycanuck: "Cover up against ticks and leeches." "Okay, I'll tie my shirt at the bottom so you can still see my midriff. Also, cleavage." 49 00:30:30,000 --> 00:30:36,000 CA7746: Better not be a dead guy coming to life... 50 00:33:25,000 --> 00:33:31,000 laencleardale: Why is she taking pictures? Is this a vacation? If the kid knows where to go, why haven't they left? Isn't she in a hurry? 51 00:33:32,000 --> 00:33:38,000 lousycanuck: "Time to tell me everything you know." "Okay... where to start. Grammar? history? Cooking?" 52 00:36:08,000 --> 00:36:14,000 lousycanuck: A three man raiding party? Yeah, that's not easy to fight off with a whole village on your side. 53 00:36:13,000 --> 00:36:19,000 lousycanuck: Only the Hawaiian white-man proxy is more than capable of beating them himself! With a knife-throwing assist from white woman. 54 00:36:30,000 --> 00:36:36,000 laencleardale: Wait now you leave?!!! In the middle of the night?! What was wrong with several hours of daylight ago?! 55 00:39:21,000 --> 00:39:27,000 lousycanuck: I want to program a little text box that randomly says "ACCESS DENIED" or "ACCESS ACCEPTED" and beeps appropriately. 56 00:40:28,000 --> 00:40:34,000 CA7746: Denseness 43%. 75% Optic. 57 00:41:00,000 --> 00:41:06,000 laencleardale: Well no...you just said it went into the jungle...that would mean it is either there, or came back here...but not still here... 58 00:42:29,000 --> 00:42:35,000 lousycanuck: Hey look, there was a Kinder Surprise in that jar! 59 00:43:27,000 --> 00:43:33,000 lousycanuck: Today I learned, when you roar, your IR-vision flares slightly. 60 00:45:37,000 --> 00:45:43,000 lousycanuck: "What is that?" "The light from my flashlight. Jeez. Keep up." 61 00:47:20,000 --> 00:47:26,000 szvan: "I can't see anything." "I'm sure they'll give us a budget for scene dressing soon." 62 00:48:02,000 --> 00:48:08,000 lousycanuck: For a super-advanced predator alien dinosaur thing, it sure is incapable of dealing with collapsing floors. 63 00:49:15,000 --> 00:49:21,000 lousycanuck: The roof bending is so stop-motion plasticine. 64 00:50:18,000 --> 00:50:24,000 szvan: "Sure, you want to stop me now! Why didn't you stop me then? This is all *your* fault!" 65 00:50:46,000 --> 00:50:52,000 szvan: Who cast Thomas Dolby in this movie? 66 00:52:07,000 --> 00:52:13,000 lousycanuck: I love how she said "a government team" and everyone just UNDERSTANDS that she's CIA. 67 00:53:28,000 --> 00:53:34,000 szvan: "Dr. Ash, I'm here! And now I'm running somewhere else, just in case you heard me." 68 00:55:11,000 --> 00:55:17,000 lousycanuck: "Tell the kid to keep crawling that way." "Okay, keep crawling that way." "Uh, I understood the other guy." 69 00:55:42,000 --> 00:55:48,000 CA7746: It's a UNIX system. I know this. 70 00:56:38,000 --> 00:56:44,000 lousycanuck: The alien is photosensitive. You see, they didn't have suns near his planet. 71 00:59:41,000 --> 00:59:47,000 szvan: Didn't she get any time in a water-treading simulator? 72 00:59:46,000 --> 00:59:52,000 lousycanuck: @szvan Maybe not, but you'd think with all the video games about killing aliens, she'd be more useful. 73 01:01:11,000 --> 01:01:17,000 lousycanuck: "I'll be right back. Just going to get a quick peek at your ass." 74 01:01:34,000 --> 01:01:40,000 szvan: Always best to wait until you're nearly dead to explore your environment. 75 01:03:58,000 --> 01:04:04,000 szvan: Okay, kid, take the ticking thing and throw it f--no...just no. 76 01:04:45,000 --> 01:04:51,000 lousycanuck: "I'll be right back." "What's wrong?" "I misplaced my remote... I mean, nothing." 77 01:05:31,000 --> 01:05:37,000 lousycanuck: IRON CHEF WITH THE IRON SLEEPER! It's all over folks! 78 01:08:36,000 --> 01:08:42,000 lousycanuck: "Don't forget to duck. Blowback from the explosion won't get you if you're behind those highly flammable barrels." 79 01:09:06,000 --> 01:09:12,000 CA7746: "I wanted brought up, not company!" 80 01:09:23,000 --> 01:09:29,000 szvan: Who knew that down meant down? 81 01:10:00,000 --> 01:10:06,000 lousycanuck: Yup, that was all their budget, and they probably destroyed their actual sets. Because why do miniatures? 82 01:10:23,000 --> 01:10:29,000 szvan: Good thing the kid warned him. He would never have expected hostiles *here*. 83 01:10:28,000 --> 01:10:34,000 CA7746: Kid could'a just said "Ash", but no, gotta be formal. 84 01:11:15,000 --> 01:11:21,000 lousycanuck: And the black guy with the noble sacrifice. HOW UNIQUE. 85 01:12:28,000 --> 01:12:34,000 szvan: Habitat destruction! 86 01:12:39,000 --> 01:12:45,000 lousycanuck: The Doctor obviously survived, because the aliens beamed him up shortly before he got sploded. 87 01:12:42,000 --> 01:12:48,000 RealEnthusedMTM: SPLOSIONS! This movie's raison d'etre. 88 01:13:55,000 --> 01:14:01,000 lousycanuck: Motorboat goes over a log ramp in three... two... 89 01:15:19,000 --> 01:15:25,000 lousycanuck: Don't you know that aliens can't look down? 90 01:15:50,000 --> 01:15:56,000 lousycanuck: Not photosensitive enough when faced with, you know, BROAD DAYLIGHT... 91 01:16:50,000 --> 01:16:56,000 lousycanuck: They shot down the toy helicopter! And it did a stop-motion roll at them and exploded!! 92 01:17:56,000 --> 01:18:02,000 lousycanuck: It's great that I'm seeing this in widescreen as the director originally intended. 93 01:19:43,000 --> 01:19:49,000 lousycanuck: The alien just did a barrel roll! 94 01:19:48,000 --> 01:19:54,000 szvan: Actually, that might have been the worst effect ever. 95 01:19:58,000 --> 01:20:04,000 CA7746: Meh! MEH! 96 01:20:18,000 --> 01:20:24,000 szvan: Um, dude? Did you forget you're a doctor? 97 01:20:27,000 --> 01:20:33,000 lousycanuck: Hey, how many rounds do you have left in that rocket launcher thing? 98 01:21:45,000 --> 01:21:51,000 lousycanuck: I will feel cheated if there's no scene where the kid is gently lowered into a river of mako to rejoin the lifestream. 99 01:22:27,000 --> 01:22:33,000 lousycanuck: Okay, close enough. 100 01:23:22,000 --> 01:23:28,000 RealEnthusedMTM: Hehe--the kid straightened his legs out. 101 01:23:45,000 --> 01:23:51,000 CA7746: Spoiler: Turns out it was all a dream the kid had, after watching Jurassic Park and Predator. 102 01:24:21,000 --> 01:24:27,000 lousycanuck: Ash becomes Turok: Dinosaur Hunter. 103 01:25:03,000 --> 01:25:09,000 lousycanuck: And then builds a series of Ewok traps. 104 01:25:27,000 --> 01:25:33,000 CA7746: Nice of the alien to take a time-out during the montage. 105 01:26:31,000 --> 01:26:37,000 szvan: It's nice that he's able to determine where the creature will show up. 106 01:27:19,000 --> 01:27:25,000 lousycanuck: And now your rocket launcher is all wet and your poison is rinsed off your axe. 107 01:27:53,000 --> 01:27:59,000 lousycanuck: Easily distracted by small fish. 108 01:28:03,000 --> 01:28:09,000 RealEnthusedMTM: The monster CGI looks like something from Resident Evil on the PS1. 109 01:28:15,000 --> 01:28:21,000 lousycanuck: "Ash! The axe! No wait, the rocket launcher! Something that actually does DAMAGE!" 110 01:29:15,000 --> 01:29:21,000 szvan: No time with a rocket-launcher simulator either, I guess. 111 01:29:35,000 --> 01:29:41,000 lousycanuck: Frankly, that's some serious firepower from a rocket launcher you can fire accurately one-handed. 112 01:30:25,000 --> 01:30:31,000 CA7746: And... now he's got parasites. 113 01:31:40,000 --> 01:31:46,000 lousycanuck: "Maybe, but what I'm saying is, I really wanna get out of this dive. And I'm tired of your mug." 114 01:32:52,000 --> 01:32:58,000 RealEnthusedMTM: Promotional consideration by Testors Models. 115 01:35:40,000 --> 01:35:46,000 CA7746: Huh, 'honeywagon' is a mobile toilet unit. 116 01:37:08,000 --> 01:37:14,000 szvan: I see the entire movie as an allegory about child labor laws.