Today, My Mama Turns 70

I haven’t spoken to her since February, 2012. Sure, she’s written me letters, here and there, of which I’ve posted on my various dusty corners of the interwebs, with commentary, but we have never passed a word back and forth, since.

This complete lack of contact was my doing. My Mama was a very abusive human being, in every way that a human can be abusive to their children. That’s not to say that I didn’t have some very bright spots in my childhood. But punctuating good with a heavy dose of bad, doesn’t bode well for the psyche of kids. At nearly 38 years of age, I’m still trying to work through what real love looks like. I don’t think I’ve ever truly experienced it. Not to mention, the catalyst for me cutting her off was her complete lack of respect for my autonomy as an adult. I simply needed her to let me grow up. She wouldn’t allow it, so I did it on my own.

You are not obligated to keep toxic people in your life.


  1. kestrel says

    Sympathies. We had a very toxic family member and finally had to go No Contact with them. This is so hard, because it is so disapproved of in society. Everybody ended up thinking *we* were the horrible ones. And then, you know, when that person dies… your reaction, or at least for us, is simply not socially acceptable; you can’t even talk about it. This makes it so much harder to deal with it. Talking about things is how we usually come to grips and handle a loss or a difficult situation. That was very hard to get through. Here is hoping you can find some understanding, somewhere, so you can at least talk about it.

  2. says

    My mother tried desperately to influence my marrying a woman 18 years my senior, but backed off when I told her I would simply not visit again if she continued her behaviour. Fortunately sanity prevailed and Mother and I remained in regular contact until she died. It could have been very different if she hadn’t changed her mind. The marriage BTW has lasted for 29 years as of yesterday, and isn’t dimming yet.

    Emotional blackmail is a toxic thing.

  3. sugar says

    I feel you have love around you but it’s that connection that’s missing it’s like people love us but we don’t feel connected to them to our children yes for me it’s like being in a square peg trying to fit into a circular world you see people in relationships and they seem so connected or that things are so great but the reality is it’s just an illusion they just put on a better show

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