When a Suicidal Friend Comes Calling

“I feel like nobody loves me. My head is telling me I want to die,” she said over Facebook Messenger.

This was the fourth time in two days she said this to me. I was frustrated, because I just don’t understand suicide. I love life, no matter how shitty it is. My mind just never goes there. And it’s not the knowledge that some people can’t stop going down that mental road. Rather, it’s the fact that I can’t fix it. And I want to fix it.

“Well…you’re fucking worthless. You’re good for nothing. Nobody will miss you if you’re gone. You’ve never done one thing for me that I will tell my grandkids about. It’s as if you don’t exist,” I replied.

She became internally angry at my words and responded with a wink and a squeaked out “Thanks for that.”

The reader asks: Hey asshole! What just happened?!

I became her brain, albeit externally, saying the same shit her internal brain was yelling at her, and she reacted angrily toward my words, knowing, of course, that I was being facetious. Her internal brain then attacked the words that her internal brain was telling her, yet attacked the external brain. It wasn’t a solution to the problem, but it did give a little glimmer that there was still life to be lived. Essentially, the fact that she was angry at the external brain for telling her lies, meant that she could somehow re-channel that anger toward the incessant lies of her internal brain.

Except, that was merely the hope for that moment. There will be more lies tomorrow and the next day and the day after that. I won’t be using the same tactic (maybe), but I will still be rooting for her to live. For her success in this life. For her to maybe one day, break away from all the bad memories and thoughts that bring her to the brink, and create new memories and new thought pathways to bring more joy.



    • Joe Sands says

      I won’t disagree with you there. I would never use that approach on someone I was not very close to. I also checked in, afterword, and made sure she was okay with my words. Even so, it could have gone wrong. I will accept any and all criticism.

  1. chigau (違う) says

    The few people I know who committed suicide didn’t consult me.
    One of them would have asked to borrow a knife, had I said something like that.
    It worked out for your friend and I hope it remains theoretical for me.

  2. chigau (違う) says

    I tried that, too.
    I really have a hard time with google image searches.
    I can’t always determine the original originator.
    But the artist always deserves credit, if one can figure out who they are.
    I am also not saddened by the complete lack of knowledge of human anatomy shown by those graphic images of “how to cut your wrists”.

  3. sugar says

    It’s not that You want to die you just want that horrible painful feeling to go away and you don’t know how to make it go away and all you can think about is cutting your wrists and being done and when things get really bad you wonder why am I here why am I here I can remember as far back as fifth grade wanting to be dead . I’ve done some therapy dbt and emdr which that helped me to think about not cutting my wrists when things get bad sometimes things just feel so bad that you don’t know how they’re ever going to get any better I know That I’m a good person and I have talents but I didn’t always believe that a part of me knew it but you have to believe it too so to answer your question suicide is not about wanting to die it’s about not wanting to feel that pain sometimes the pain is just so strong

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