I’m An Atheist and You Do Not Know Me

EFD-00003-2Many a pundit, many a Religious Right yeller, many a preacher, many an opportunistic blowhard, many a pandering politician, declares what an atheist is, their words laced with conviction and passion. And as they do, they reveal their ignorance. I laugh heartily at their feeble attempts at defining who I am.

I am not angry at God. I did not choose to be an atheist because of the horrors of my childhood. Had people been better toward me, growing up, it would not change my position.

I do not treat morality as a crap-shoot, allowing anything and everything, with post-modern relativity. I have the same moral compass as a religious person – me. No matter how much one attempts to prove their moral compass is a book, or even some guiding sky fairy, they cannot get past the obvious hole in their arguments – morality must still be filtered through themselves. Yes. They are the final keeper of the moral gate.

I love sex. Yes, with my wife. I am married to exactly one woman. I don’t have sex with anyone that moves, just because I can – as can a religious person. I choose not to have sex with those who do not want to have sex with me because having sex with someone who doesn’t want to have sex with me is the most repulsive idea I can think of. Well…that, and drinking a cup of cold coffee.

I do have sex with other women. I do tell other women that I love them in whatever way love is defined between us. But that’s an entirely different subject altogether. It’s complex and very elusive to a hard definition.

I don’t spank my kids. If I can’t hit an adult, I don’t see why I should be allowed to hit a child.

I do yell at my kids. But they yell and swear back at me. I don’t like this about me, but I am proud of them for learning to stand their ground against a much smarter adult in the room. They’ll learn, one day, that I’m always right, and yet they’ll continue to debate me – simply to hone their debate skills.

I hate mowing the lawn.

I don’t drink alcohol to get drunk. I drink it for the taste. In fact, I have thought of quitting it completely, but I kind of like the social aspect of making people a good drink. I get drunk for the kids a few times a year, but aside from that, I’m not much into losing control.

I have never done drugs. I won’t do them. I just have zero interest in the idea.

I’ve never had an abortion. I’ve driven people to abortion clinics and acted as their escort. Once, I even felt like a woman should have continued her pregnancy, but ultimately, it was her decision.

I stole gum when I was a kid.

I have read the Bible from cover to cover at least 20 times.

I’m pretty normal, just like a religious person. I just have to blame my faults on myself and rely on me and those I trust to help me bribe the authorities to get out of a pickle.


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