Has Ann Coulter written the most Ann Coulter article ever?

Yes. Yes, she has.

Soocer – or “football”, as “Europeans” like to “call” it (seriously, what’s up with conservatives and their fucking quotation marks?) – is coming to eat your children. It shall do so using the bizarre numbers from metric system, not allow you to use your hands like we’re cavemen or something, and bring about seas of blood. Something, something, moral decay. File. Check please!

Ann Coulter’s soccer piece is a work of trollish genius.

I could only muster one response.

What’s weirder is how much of her argument reads exactly like a letter Avi got.


  1. says

    Whatever happened to the bygone decades where soccer was touted all over the country as a sport that kids could play without having to bulk up, or spend years in rigorous training, or risk serious injury, or spend shitloads of money on all sorts of equipment? Whatever happened to the time when soccer was offered as a game ANYONE could play?

    Ann Coulter’s hateful screed against such a game just shows how far those “patriotic” “conservatives” have gone away from our original ideals of equality and mass-participation.

  2. John Horstman says

    Eh, all of my great-grandfathers (Why is she using the singular in conjunction with the definite article when everybody has more than one?) were born here (immigration was one to three generations before that for each of their families), and I’ve watched some soccer, so she’s just lying from the very start. Also, absolute assertions: utterly trivial to disprove, as they only require a single contradictory datum; avoid making absolute/universal assertions.

  3. Kevin Kehres says

    Note to “Republicans”: This is not how to do “humor”.

    I am “puzzled” why she thinks “soccer” games — which have 45 minute “halves” where the “clock” never stops — is too “long”, and American “football” — where the “clock” seems to never “start” — is “better”. And let’s not get “started” on “baseball”!

  4. Seashell says

    Hi John – because only one of your great-grandfathers matter – the one through the male line – all the rest have female cooties that connect you to him

  5. busterggi says

    I do not like soccer, never have. I tried when my son was little because he was into it, we even went to a few pro games – the hot dogs were good but the afternoon still dragged for me. He lost his enthusiasm after he broke a collarbone while playing which rescued me from attending more games.

    Still I would rather attend a horrible soccer game than listen to/read Ann Coulter.

  6. busterggi says

    Well okay, I’d watch her with the sound off IF she still wore that eyepatch but that’s because pirates are hot.

  7. ianeymeaney says

    @8 Please go to your local beer garden/sports bar next Tuesday at 4 ET to experience how amazing soccer can be (I say this as a football/hockey fan). Chant, sing, dance, get beer spilled on you and have an amazing time. If you live in NYC, I can hook you up with some great places to go.

    As for the article, I thought that it was from The Onion. I thought my brain was going to explode from the stupid in it.

  8. Tauriq Moosa says

    @ 8: I hate (watching) most sports. Football is occassionally OK, but I could never sit through one. I don’t get the atmosphere, but then I’ve always been uncomfortable with large crowds going apeshit. Especially when it’s due to a ball going into a net.

    But, I was recently convinced that there’s still an art or poetry to these talented people – so I don’t berate the sports for their lack of meaning or ability or anything that harsh. It’s just not for me.

  9. says

    @8 Please go to your local beer garden/sports bar next Tuesday at 4 ET to experience how amazing soccer can be (I say this as a football/hockey fan). Chant, sing, dance, get beer spilled on you and have an amazing time.

    I agree that it’s fun watching a soccer match (especially a World Cup match) in a pub with lots of other raucous fans. The game itself can drag on for eternity with no actual score, but it’s less boring when you’re watching it with others.

  10. StevoR : Free West Papua, free Tibet, let the Chagossians return! says

    @3. gshelley : “That could well be the dumbest and most ignorant thing she has ever written.”

    Oh I dunno. There’d have to be an awful lot of competition for that particular dubious honour! 😉

  11. =8)-DX says

    Translation of Coulter:

    The moral decay is all those brown people who aren’t Americans because I say so living in this country and taking their evil brown ways with them. And by brown I also mean lefty liberal European hogwash. I hate the English, the Chinese and most especially the French.

  12. says

    It’s very difficult to believe that was written and meant to be taken seriously. But I have heard enough from some crazies that I can accept it’s someone’s actual view, as ridiculous as it is. I would’ve thought a team game where everyone is valuable is a much better lesson to learn. Society can only function if we work together, not every person for themselves. Wow…

  13. Rasmus says

    Soccer is one of those sports that you can only really enjoy watching if you have tried to play it yourself as a kid.

    If Ann Coulter had played soccer growing up she would still probably have written an article dismissing it, but not with such ridiculous arguments. Soccer is a sport where most games are settled by a single effort by one player and a single mistake by a defender or goalkeeper. Hence the ridiculously high salaries that top players collect.

  14. dannorth says

    You need to learn a few things about objectivism. The brainchild of Ayn Rand and popularized by her novels the Fontainhead and Atlas Shrugged. It divises the world into the brave capitalist entrepreneurs who create everything good and the vile statist parasites who try to drag them down. It preaches a gospel of pure selfishness.

    Apparently these ideas are very popular among conservatives where they are used to justify social inequalities.

    To them the word collective, in sport or elsewhere, is anathema

    You can go to this website to learn more about it and other flavors of libertarianism: http://world.std.com/~mhuben/libindex.html

  15. Aran says

    I’m hanging on to the thought that Ann Coulter is just a really, *really* committed-to-her-character version of Stephen Colbert.