When we eroticize shame… is the shame “real”?
Expand that. When we eroticize powerlessness, helplessness, cruelty, punishment, power-hunger, fear… are these experiences “real”?
Here’s what I mean. I’ve just come out with a porn fiction book, “Bending: Dirty Kinky Stories About Pain, Power, Religion, Unicorns, & More.” (Available as an eboook on Kindle, Nook, and Smashwords: audiobook and print editions coming soon.) The book is, as you might have guessed from the title, pretty darned kinky: it includes dirty stories, meant to be hot and exciting and pleasurable, about fear, helplessness, cruelty, punishment, control-freakery… and shame. (In some cases they’re descriptions of consensual SM scenes; in some cases, they’re fantasies about borderline consent or non-consent.)
I’ve been promoting the book on Facebook, with excerpts. This promotion has resulted in some… conversations, with people who are unfamiliar with kink and are weirded out about how stories depicting such obviously negative experiences could possibly be considered pleasurable by anyone who’s emotionally healthy. And one person in one of those conversations made an argument I’ve seen a number of times — that the shame experienced in consensual SM scenes isn’t “real” shame.
It’s a point I’ve seen made by other kinky and pro-kinky people: SM shame isn’t “real” shame — it’s play-acting, pretend. The line from Dan Savage gets quoted sometimes (it got quoted in the Facebook conversation I’m talking about): that “BDSM is cops and robbers for grownups.” Even eroticized pain sometimes gets referred to by kinksters as “intense sensation” rather than pain.
And I started thinking: Is this true?
*****
To read the rest of this excerpt, go to Is Erotic Shame “Real” Shame?, my guest post on Ozy Frantz’s Blog.
Here’s the deal: I’m doing a blog tour for my new erotic fiction collection, “Bending: Dirty Kinky Stories About Pain, Power, Religion, Unicorns, & More.” The first installments in the tour come from Ozy Frantz, of Ozy Frantz’s Blog — including a guest post by me, Is Erotic Shame “Real” Shame?, sparked by the content of much of the book and by some of the responses to it. Many thanks to Ozy for taking part in this tour!
UPDATE: Ozy Frantz has taken down their blog. This post has now been reprinted on my own blog:
Is Erotic Shame “Real” Shame? (essay)
And remember — the book is currently available an an ebook on Kindle, Nook, and Smashwords. Audiobook and paperback are coming soon!
Given the reaction to your book, might I suggest a title and theme for your next work? “Stirring the Pot: Sex Positivity in a Sex Negative Culture” Or maybe “Stirring the Honey Pot,” if you want to make the reference more blatant 🙂
Purely my opinion and as always, there is a very good chance that I’m wrong.
In this case, there is a very good chance, but here’s my opinion anyway:
When I ride a roller coaster, I am really falling. I’m freaking out, but I’m happy too. When I watch a good scary movie, I am really frightened. I jump. I scream. Then I laugh at myself. I like being uncomfortable in those ways, when I choose to be and only when I am really safe. I know I’m not really in danger, but the emotions are still real and I enjoy feeling them even though (or perhaps because?) I hate heights and in a real zombie apocalypse, I’d pass out and be the first to die. So why not really get off on real shame? Some people are not having fun if the “threat” that the thrill derives from lacks authenticity.
Make that “A very, very, good chance…”
The link keeps redirecting to a 404 on The Good Men Project for me. Not sure if this is happening to anyone else.
Not only is this post 404ing, but Ozy’s whole blog, zir tumblr, and zir twitter are all gone. I hope nothing happened to Ozy.
There was some kind of big argument or something related to trans issues and people who were upset at Ozy. Then her stuff went dark. Twitter data suggests she is OK.
Ozy Frantz has taken down their blog. The guests posts that appeared there have now been reprinted on my own blog:
Is Erotic Shame “Real” Shame? (essay)
Excerpt from Christian Domestic Discipline (extended excerpt)