Content Warnings: Murder, Ableism, Suicide, Abuse, etc. This is me being a shitty edgelord for a minute.
Nobody likes mass shootings, even rethuglicans. A few people carry out the practical end of Fucker Carlston’s stochastic terrorism and gun control looks reasonable – the NRA doesn’t want that, even if they don’t give a shit about a mountain of dead children. Nobody who knows one of these killers is surprised by them doing the deed. Sometimes they’ve even been ratted out to the authorities, who were too slow to act on the information. This suggests to me a solution.
If you’re very pro-gun and you know somebody who is going to kill lots of people, murder them before they can do it. They are usually troubled enough you could make it look like a suicide easy, and who is going to believe this as a motive for murder? You’ll know in your heart that you saved lives – you were the fabled good guy with a gun, putting one in the back of your friend’s dome like George did Lenny. And you’ll know you helped prevent bad press for your beloved assault rifles.
Literally everybody wins. The children live, the guns keep their good name, you get the joy of committing a murder which is something I know you all desire so richly, and your troubled friend is released from all earthly suffering – their boiling rage allowed to cool and subside into the earth along with their physical corpus.
There are of course multiple reasons this is a bad idea. Conservatives are spectacularly bad judges of where the violence and abuse in society are coming from. Youth Pastor Handsy? Solid dog. Coach Concussion? Made you into a real man. Officer Beatdown? The thin blue line. Autistic Steve with the tics? Who let him be a janitor? Somebody should part him out for organ donations. Making this ask to the kind of people in a position to carry it out is both advocating murder, and asking them to be as ableist as possible about who they choose to kill.
I just felt clever in a terrible way for two seconds and had to share my faulty math. I hope you enjoyed it as dark humor and forgive me if you did not. Thanks.