Now *You* Have a Friend in the Diamond Business

Anybody over a certain age from the PNW has some kind of memory of The Shane Company’s dry, dry radio commercials.  I remember he was at the corner of 4th and Stewart, and I remember that slogan: “Now you have a friend in the diamond business – the Shane Company.”  Anyway, they finally gave the bear an English voice in Duolingo and he sounds exactly like those commercials.  No growl, no fun allowed.  I’m annoyed.

Don’t Be a Coward

It’s hard to judge what a reasonable level of fear is in reaction to shitty events, and there are plenty of extremely shitty events going on in the world right now.  (Thanks, fascists!  Please eat shit and die at your earliest convenience.)  That said, there are a loooot of people on the internet right now stoking panic.  Like Putin makes a lazy threat about hacking our shit and tweets and subreddits explode, telling you to run for the hills immediately lest you fall victim to supply chain banditos.

Harden the fuck up, you ridiculous cowards.  You make it harder for people to judge what that reasonable level of fear is, by ratcheting every little thing up to “cannibal holocaust.”  You spread anxiety and dread and turn stomachs and ruin people’s days.  The way you talk, I imagine you trembling like little chihuahuas with urine running down your thighs as you clack out your terrified tweets.  Yeah, especially those of you with guns.

Do you live in America?  Are you not a member of an oppressed minority at the moment?  (No, xtians don’t count.)  You’re going to be fine.  Some bad stuff will happen.  Wildfires burning up your cabins, rising tides taking out your timeshares.  But compared to people in Ukraine, or Russia, or anywhere near the Equator?  Your life is going to be a cakewalk – at least until you’re old and infirm enough to be considered disposable by republicans.  Drink in the freedom, manbabies.  Calm the fuck down.

The Calm

Seems like the internet isn’t being very productive for me today, but I’m intentionally not following politics.  I wonder if the people I follow on social media are all glued to TV wondering if it’s time for hot war with Russia.  What are you doing today?

The Final Monsters

CONTENT WARNINGS:  Horror Content.

After the last day of our Monster Hearts Challenge, my writing group got to do one more monster, choosing from the following categories that had not previously won any round of voting.  Which would you write about?  Which monster would you grant the gift of human romance?

ANIMALISTIC — EXAMPLES:  Cat people, Sneeple, Ninja Turtle, Easter Bunny

BODY HORROR — EXAMPLES:  Tetsuos of Iron Man and Akira type, Blob, Cronenbergian

CONSTRUCTED — EXAMPLES:  Frankenstein creatures, Golems, Homunculi, Pinocchio

CRYPTID — EXAMPLES:  Bigfoot, Mothman, Chupacabra, Jersey Devil

ELDRITCH — EXAMPLES:  Lovecraftian, Elder god, Tentacled

GIANT — EXAMPLES:  Kaiju, Ogre, Giant, Troll

HYBRID — EXAMPLES:  Sphynx, Chimera, Egyptian God, Naga

INCORPOREAL — EXAMPLES:  Invisible man, Incorporeal alien, Imaginary friend, Ghosts, Poltergeist, Patrick Swayzes

INSECTOID — EXAMPLES:  Brundlefly, Mimic, Wasp woman, Giant Spider

J-HORROR — EXAMPLES:  Grudge, Sadako, Split-mouth woman

LEGEND — EXAMPLES:  Slenderman, Candyman, Bloody Mary, ManDoorHandHookCarDoor

LIVING OBJECT — EXAMPLES:  Living mannequin, Christine, Chuckie, Magic Mirror

TINY — EXAMPLES:  Sprite, Miniature Humanoids, Gnome, Gremlin

VIRTUAL — EXAMPLES:  Rogue AI, Hologram, Vocaloid, Max Headroom

YOKAI — EXAMPLES:  Long neck woman, Tengu, Kappa

If you remember how I did last time, you know I tried to use all of them in one concept…

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Monsters of Love

Content Warnings:  Horror Content, Unhealthy Relationships, Ironic Ableisms

My writing discord did an event called Monster Hearts, named after an RPG that’s probably too racy for people like ourselves to actually play.  The idea is, like in our Spooktober, to take a monster type and come up with a story idea to go with it – one for each day of the month up to and including Valentine’s Day.  This time, though, the stories have to involve a passionate relationship between a human and a monster.  I give you my monster hearts.  Happy lovin’ day.

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Love in Dreams and a Rat-sized Mouse

I had a dream last night that I don’t remember well, outside of these few specifics.  I’ve never had a pet mouse or rat or been interested to, but in this dream I had a mouse that was the size of a small rat.  It died and we had to report it to some government agency.  As a small animal, for proof of death I was able to submit his entire body through the mail.  We received the body back along with a partially calligraphic letter offering official condolences on our loss.

I noticed his body was in perfect condition.  While cool to the touch, I kept feeling like there were little movements in him.  Lo and behold, he woke up.  I was happy to tell my boyfriend he was, in fact, alive.  The report of his demise was made in error.

I was so happy, in fact, that I felt a sense of relief and of love for the little animal, unadulterated by conscious self-awareness and bitterness.  Pure love, quickly forgotten on waking.  But I had a sense that I lost something in the transition to waking life, that I should have stayed asleep.  You ever fall in love in a dream?  Have a friend or lover or relative in a dream who does not exist in real life, where waking up felt like a real loss?

It’s nothing now, but funny how our minds can do that to us.