Dick Move, Jesus

I heard the TV preacher say,
Without a trace of hate
“When Jesus sees a tragedy
He likes to show up late.
He likes to wait till things have gone
From bad to much, much worse,
To demonstrate to everyone
He runs the universe.”

Disaster strikes, and people ask
How bad it’s going to get—
In pain, afraid, they pray to God
But Jesus says “not yet.”
Almighty Christ could calm the storm
And heal the injured quick
He likes to make an entrance, though,
Cos Jesus is a dick.

The sanctity of suffering?
The cleansing pow’r of pain?
Excuses by apologists—
The gospels make it plain
When people are in trouble
And it’s time to get to work
You can count on Christ to clock in late…
Cos Jesus is a jerk.

So I turned on the TV this morning, and (you know, because Christianity is being silenced everywhere) it was one of those Sunday morning sermon shows, in this case from Jubilee Christian Church. The preacher was speaking of the story of Lazarus being raised from the dead; in this interpretation, Jesus hears that Laz is in trouble, but rather than hurrying to his side, he casually mentions to a couple of companions that this was all going to work out for the glory of God… then waits until everyone thinks it’s too late (Lazarus has died, after all), then zaps his buddy back to life.

The preacher likened it to “making an entrance”. Not wanting to fix a problem until it was a worthwhile challenge, something that would really bring glory. After all, preventing suffering is an invisible trick. No one can see it, so there’s no praise or adulation. But wait until someone is in their final death throes, in mortal agony, or later, and then step in? They’ll write books about you. They’ll talk about you on TV some 20 centuries later.

Of course, this is not a terribly flattering picture of Jesus, so I had to keep watching to see where this was going… and… Bingo! “Mysterious ways”, chronos vs cheiros, have faith that Jesus is doing what is in our best interest. Mind you, the egotistic picture of Jesus the preacher had just painted would be completely consistent with a Bully Jesus, dunking humanity’s head in the toilet and asking us to praise him for pulling it out just before we drown.

But of course, if that’s the way Jesus is, then we’d all better praise him, and pretend we believe the “mysterious ways” Jesus, cos He might get mad, and pull out the Divine Noogies.

Strangely, the show being only half an hour long, the sermon was cut off in the middle of “God’s time (cheiros) vs our time (chronos)”, so I’ll have to wait until next week to see if Jesus turns out to be the good guy or the bad guy.

I think I’ll sleep in.

Edit: Mysterious Ways…


  1. unbound says

    Gotta love the “mysterious ways” argument. You’d think a few of the more intelligent followers would figure out that if they don’t understand their god, then eternity in heaven may mean a few seconds to their god, or reward could be horrifying torture in their gods eye. How do you trust something that you can’t possibly understand?

  2. leni says

    Ugh, I don’t know how you lasted as long as you did. Sometimes I fall asleep on the couch with the tv on and will end up being annoyed out of sleep by the grating voice of some idiot Sunday morning preacher. I’ll wake up scowling and groping for the remote before I’m even really aware of what’s going on.

    They all seem to have this same way of talking that’s so creepy. I don’t know what it is, a cadence or something. I can’t even deal with it long enough to give a shit about what they’re saying.

  3. Pliny the in Between says

    Cuttlefish, You and I must have seen similar programs, based on my latest. The cadence thing mentioned is creepy. Sort of a Bayou Gregorian chant aspect to it. It also involves breaking the word god into 2 syllables.

  4. The Ridger says

    This is right in line with God hardening Pharaoh’s heart so that he might “get honor” for it and show off his “wonders”.

  5. says

    It truly is a great mystery. Do I thank Jesus for adding my Colorado county to the FEMA disaster list yesterday, (for which I am truly grateful) or wish that he had postponed that for a few hours and actually, you know, saved people’s lives or found the many hundreds who are “unaccounted for?” We are safe and dry, and my roof repair funding can wait while he stops the new storms that are looming this afternoon.

  6. tapajos says

    Digital Cuttlefish – are you open to receiving (and hopefully publishing on your blog) atheist/atheistic poems of mine? I have several that I’d like to reach a wider and relevant public. You can contact me at dunkerleyphilip at hotmail.com (use ‘@’ for ‘at’). Your blog is great.

  7. Cuttlefish says

    tapajos– I have had guest poems in the past (usually, but not always, long-time commenters or “friends of friends”), and have also linked to other sites. Feel free to send me anything you wish– cuttlefishpoet {at} gmail {dot} com

  8. says

    All humanity must suffer continuously for the sins of Adam and Eve. And all the hardships god sends upon people must be borne with masochistic endurance to earn brownie points for heaven. All else, every evil belief, is derived from this one gut-wrenching perverted meme.

    Fortunately, atheism is the salvation. Kick the whole diseased notion down the toilet and build life and the world to maximize human happiness here on earth. That’s what free will is for.

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