I *Told* You I Have The Best Commenters…

As a public service for those who read the posts, but don’t look at comments, I want to show off some of the songwriting abilities of commenters “badgersdaughter” and “zekehoskin”. I had invited readers to contribute their own verses to “What did you do in the war (against Christmas)?“…

From badgersdaughter:

I sent my love to the War Against Christmas,
I sent my love to the War!
It’s been cold, it’s been hard;
He maxed out our last card–
And we’ve never been maxed out before!
‘Next the half-set-up tree
I weep one bitter plea:
Will he come home to help with decor?
I sent my love to the War Against Christmas,
When will he return from the War?

and

Mother, I’m off to the War Against Christmas–
Mother, I’m off to the War!
Oh Mother, don’t cry–
With the angels I fly;
“God and country”, my duty I swore:
But I’m weary and sick,
For old General Nick
Left a coal in our esprit-de-corps.
Mother, I’m off to the War Against Christmas,
Mother, I’m off to the War!

And from zekehoskin:

Are you still fighting the War Against Christmas?
Are you still fighting the War?
Are you sticking your neck
Out for President Beck
And the faith that – by law – we adore?
The Earth is still young,
All the atheists hung*
And history’s really a bore –
Are you still fighting the War Against Christmas?
Are you still fighting the War?

* All right, hanged. I’m boasting.

See what wonderful stuff you miss when you don’t read the comments?

What Did You Do In The War (Against Christmas)?

I don’t have time for this… but this song jumped into my skull earlier today, and I couldn’t focus until I chased it out. So here it is. It does have a tune, but it’s a very simple one and I suspect you can come up with a better one on your own (it’s in 6/8 time, about 130 bpm, for mine.)

The context, of course, is the classic song–there are both pro and anti war versions–of the little kid asking “what did you do in the war?” (In my generation, that always ended “daddy” or “grandpa”, but no longer.) I figure, if the war against christmas was a real war, it needed its own version of this song.

What did you do in the War Against Christmas?
What did you do in the War?
Did you ever get shot
By Fox news on the spot
As you battled the crowds at the store?
Did you tell all the elves
Who were stocking the shelves
They’d forgotten what Christmas is for?
Oh, what did you do in the War Against Christmas?
What did you do in the War?

How I remember the War Against Christmas!
How I remember the War!
When me and m’pal Davey
Signed up with Old Navy
And guarded the dressing room door!
We were there at the front
Like a couple of grunts
When the shoppers invaded the floor!
Oh, how I remember the War Against Christmas!
How I remember the War!

Let’s shed a tear for the War Against Christmas
Let’s shed a tear for the War!
We all know the cost
Of the memories lost
Of the simpler Christmas of yore
Now Christmas is here
Nearly half of the year
And it’s looking to take even more
Let’s shed a tear for the War Against Christmas
Let’s shed a tear for the war

What did you do in the War Against Christmas?
What did you do in the War?
Did you stand up and fight
For your Christmastime right
For nativity scenes by the shore?
Though you knew you would lose
Did you faithfully choose
The establishment clause to ignore?
Oh, what did you do in the War Against Christmas?
What did you do in the War?

I swear I had a dozen more verses going through my head as I walked Cuttledog, but this is enough to get it out of my system. As always, feel free to add verses in the comments!

Christmas VS Christmas

Over at The Zingularity, they’ve discovered who the real enemy is in the War On Christmas. And it’s not the atheists (although we are still the ones on the propaganda posters)! The real enemy of Christmas is… Christmas! The Christmas that shows up in stores just before Halloween and lasts halfway through January, the Christmas favored by Lucy Van Pelt, the Santa Claus Christmas, the “peace, love, and happiness” Christmas? Evil, through and through. Christmas should be a solemn occasion, as befits the meaning–the birth of the ultimate human sacrifice.

Fox News, to be consistent (but why start now?), should refuse any and all Christmas advertising that aids and abets that first kind of Christmas. Fox should refuse to air any Christmas specials (other than perhaps live coverage of church services on Christmas day itself) that cheapen and commercialize this most solemn of holy days.

I warned them about this, years ago:

From the Cape of Good Hope to the Newfoundland islands,
The sands of Iran to the Panama isthmus;
From Outback Australia to Inverness Highlands
It’s time to take arms in the War Against Christmas!

My weapons are mistletoe, Christmas trees, holly,
A yule-log, and caroling out in the snow;
Sleigh-rides and snowball-fights, eggnog and Jolly
Old Santa Claus, laughing his loud “Ho! Ho! Ho!”

We’ll make them forget all the Truth of the season—
The sacrifice planned by a god up above—
And have them believing some bastardized reason
Like giving, or kindness, or caring or love!

I’ll cruelly and callously help out a stranger
Who’s down on his luck or has suffered some loss,
I won’t even speak of the babe in the manger
Whom God sent to Earth to get nailed to a cross;

When the winds of December conspire to freeze us
I’ll help collect sweaters and coats for the poor,
Neglecting to make any mention of Jesus,
Whose torture is really what Christmas is for.

My hatred of Christmas will focus my labors
On weaving an atheist fabric of lies—
For instance, I’m giving to all of my neighbors
Gift baskets, cookies, and fruitcakes and pies!

I’ll say “Merry Christmas!” I’ll say “Season’s Greetings!”
I’ll say “Happy Holidays—Joyous Noel!”
Intending of course, that with each of these meetings
The Truth About Christmas can just go to hell.

The truth is that Christmas is not about presents
It’s no time for songs, It’s not time to be nice
It’s not time for feasting on turkeys or pheasants—
It’s sin, and redemption by blood sacrifice.

No time to be jolly; no time to be merry
It’s time to be solemn, and grim, and devout!
The heathens might find it depressing or scary
But that is what Christmas is truly about.

Yes, Jesus is really the ultimate reason
And Christmas is really redemption and sin;
The war against Christmas is early this season—
For God’s sake, let’s hope that the atheists win!

As most of us know (except, of course, the people who need to the most), the beginnings of Christmas in America (home of The War On Christmas, a wholly-owned subsidiary of Fox News) were not festive in the least. The Puritans had better, purer things to do on December 25th (for a couple of decades in the 1600’s, Boston even had a law prohibiting the celebration of Christmas!); a Christmas holiday as we know it did not begin until the 1800’s. Interestingly, celebrating Christmas (as opposed to observing it) spread with the notion of Santa, “The Night Before Christmas”, and commercial connections to stores and products, not with the story of the birth of god’s human sacrifice.

Those who wish a return to the traditional values of Christmas, away from the secularization, are welcome to stay inside, draw their curtains tight and stick their noses in their bibles. I will expect them to show up at work on the 25th (as, indeed, Congress did in 1789, the first Christmas under our constitution). Myself, I will gladly take the opportunity to celebrate with Cuttlefamily and friends. We will probably feast, and may even sing–such decadence would surely have been frowned upon, even fined, by the founders of our Christian Nation (TM).

Good.

Gift-Giving, And Much More.

Ok, first a couple of things to get out of the way. One–got an announcement from the EvolveFish people that their stuff is on sale. I get no money from them at all, but I must say I am biased toward a couple of things on their site. Two–I wouldn’t say this at all, cuttlefish that I am, except that I noticed a commenter discovering just today that there is, in fact a volume of Cuttlefish verse available in both dead-tree and e-versions of some sort. And there are also cool things to wear and drink from. Not the same things, but… Anyway, those are found in the Cuttlestuff link.

But that’s not the purpose of this post.

There are many things I would give if I could… but can’t. There are actually very few things I want or need. Cuttlefamily is healthy (well, have chronic diseases that are well controlled by modern medicine), not in debt (not quite, anyway), happy (that one has no disclaimer), and far more fortunate than we have any right to be (chronic disease and all). Mind you, extended Cuttlefamily is not doing so well, which is a mixed thing–you see, many of them have lived long enough to be dying of cancer, which means a pretty good run at life so far (each life has some tragedies, but this is not the time for that).

I would give health. But I cannot. I would give travel, but I cannot afford that, and travel is a luxury. I would give things that no one can give… And for that, I consider myself extraordinarily fortunate. For my people, I don’t need to give food (but I will, some, but not because these items are needed, but because they are wanted–this makes all the difference in the world). I don’t need to give rent money, or an only pair of shoes without holes, or warmth. I can’t give a pancreas, or I would.

What do I want? Damn, isn’t that a fine question? I don’t have to ask “what do I need?. I want time. No one can give me that–especially in my size or style. I want hugs, and I’ll get them. That’s pretty much it. I begin to understand Dumbledore’s fondness for wool socks.

Mind you, if Nikon or Montblanc wanted me to write reviews of cameras, lenses, and fountain pens, in iambic pentameter, I could write you a list that would make your head spin. But just saying that… noting that such incredible luxury is what I think of, instead of fixing this car (the “new” one is 12+ years old, but it’s in good shape), or that furnace (new burner in 2 years ago, so we’re good) or that window (replaced 4 years ago)… Damn. I am the luckiest Cuttlefish on the planet.

So… comment thread…. what do you want to give, that you cannot? What do you want, that cannot be given? Do you consider yourself fortunate? (and no, I will not ask anyone if they have been naughty or nice. None of any of our damn business.)

Be Prepared (To Buy Your Christmas Tree Elsewhere)

This post is part of a blogosphere protest against the discriminatory practices of the Boy Scouts. Remember, if you buy a Christmas tree this season, that there are plenty of places to get them that do not support institutional homophobia and prejudice.

Be prepared! That’s the Boy Scout’s marching song
Be prepared! Though your moral stance is wrong—
Be prepared to hide the fact that you are gay
Let our antiquated stands lead you astray… [Read more…]