Wait, What… Christmas Already?

So yeah, PZ has a Christmas post up already? I know the malls already have spray snow, holly and mistletoe, and other signs of war Christmas; I’ve heard the music, seen the decorations, smelled the mulled cider… but PZ? This must mean it’s getting late.

I’m hopeful (but hey, the real world imposes itself sometimes) that I’ll have some cool cephalopodmas swag for you soon, but for now…

In mega-malls and coffee shops
In giant chains and mom-and-pops
The mistletoe and holly have been decked
The garland—silver, red, and green
Has been in place since Halloween
In store displays we’ve all come to expect
Employees dressed as helpful elves
Are stringing lights and stocking shelves
And spraying trees with artificial snow
And everywhere, the carols play
There’s no place you can get away
Cos Christmas is endangered, don’t you know?

I’m gearing up for this year’s war on Christmas
It’s gonna be a knock-down, drag-out fight!
I’m pissed off and I’m ranty, cos
It’s two full months of santy claus
And all I really want’s a silent night

We see displays in family yards
And messages in greeting cards
Which use an anti-Christian sort of phrase
Though everywhere across the earth
They’re celebrating Jesus’ birth
They use the PC “Happy Holidays”
I’ve seen examples by the scores
In catalogs and online stores
As well as at some places here in town
As everybody celebrates,
Their choice of phrases demonstrates
Their real agenda’s tearing Christmas down!

I’m gearing up for this year’s war on Christmas
It’s gonna be the worst you’ve ever seen
A little bad behavior’s worth
The selling of our savior’s birth
And doing so since not quite Halloween

We’re gathering with friends, to go
Despite the cold, despite the snow,
Sing carols for the old folks down the street
Surrounded by the happy greetings,
Hugs and kisses, merry meetings,
Smiles on all the faces that we meet.
We’re celebrating life and love
And not some savior from above
Our Christmas is a secular affair
Cos Christmas is for everyone—
Believe, or not, it’s still just fun
And if that thought offends you, I don’t care

I’m gearing up for this year’s war on Christmas
The birthday of our savior Jesus Christ
And what the hell, if this myth fails
There’s always after-Christmas sales
Where underwear and liquor are half priced

I really want to be able to actually sing this for you. It’s really pretty cool. Or not; I’m not a musician. Yes, it is an oldie. I’m grading. It’s this or the test pattern….


  1. Trebuchet says

    Didn’t you know? Now that Obama’s been re-elected, he’s gonna declare Christmas illegal and FEMA’s going to force us all to celebrate Kwanza-ramadan, or something.

  2. Cuttlefish says

    You silly rock-slinging weapon, you… don’t you know the cephalopods are pulling the puppet strings of *all* the candidates? Cephalopodmas. Get used to it.

  3. says

    It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
    In the shopping malls.
    It’s the 25th of July;
    There’s only five months to buy.
    You’d better hurry, Santa’s on his way!

    It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
    And it should be a sin.
    But the pre-pre-Christmas sales
    Have never been known to fail
    To bring shoppers in.

  4. left0ver1under says

    I saw “christmas” decorations as the local Costco, even before hallowe’en.


    This is one of the reasons I’m glad I (a westerner) live in Taiwan, there are no competing fictional December “holidays” here. The only time religious holidays get annoying here is Chinese New Year, with all the freaking fireworks going off.

  5. markmanning says

    Your rhymes are typically entertaining, and this one evoked an actual gleeful response. I very much appreciate your attention to rhyme and meter. In years past, I jotted off humorous verse quite readily, but now that I’m just a half-fast poet, I rarely make the effort. Your work is deliciously creative.
    Thanks for all.

  6. rikitiki says

    (here’s mine – though not about the war-on-christmas, enjoy!):

    I’m Dreaming of a White-trash Christmas
    (sung to the tune of: “White Christmas”)

    I’m dreaming of a white-trash Christmas
    Just like the trailer park back home
    Where the roof tarp’s flapping
    And dogs are yapping
    The front yard’s filled with garden gnomes

    I’m dreaming of a white-trash Christmas
    Hillbilly music cranked full-blast
    Eating TV-dinner
    Watching Jerry Springer
    And hoping that the cheap beer lasts

    I’m wishing you a white-trash Christmas
    Where cousins think you’re one hot guy
    May you not be caught in your lies
    Or, like last year, get a D.U.I.

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