I Wanna Marry Newt Gingrich (II)


I’ve been watching the news from Carolina
Where the Newt’s at the head of the pack
And there’s little or nothing that’s finer
Than to see Mr. Gingrich surge back
Now you know that I have to be hopin’
It’s a triumph he’s willing to share
With his mind and his marriage both open
Like he told us, Callista won’t care

The republican vision of morals
Has moved, as a matter of course
Since the ads, the debates, and the quarrels
We’re accepting of more than divorce
If you’re caught in an amorous quandary
You’ll do what the Newt would have done:
If you think that a wife is the love of your life
Then you’ll want to have more than just one!

Song itself, after the jump:

I’ve been watching Newt smile for the cameras
Where he’s telling the people he cares
And although I’m no dope, I am living in hope
He’s still open and willing to share:

Oh, I wanna marry Newt Gingrich—
He’s perfection in only one man
I wanna marry Newt Gingrich
With Callista’s permission, I can!

Cos Newt is the man I believe in
With experience making his vow
And I’m thinking I might, if I’m not “mister right”
Have a shot at a “mister right now”

Oh, I wanna marry Newt Gingrich—
He’s so funny, he just makes me laugh
I wanna marry Newt Gingrich
I’ll be spouse number three and a half!

He’s a man with conservative values
Which all three of his wives could attest
And as god is his witness, he’s showing his fitness
The voters all know he’s the best

Oh, I wanna marry Newt Gingrich
It’s a paradise built just for three
I wanna marry Newt Gingrich
It’s just Newt, and Callista, and me!

If there’s one thing we know about Gingrich
It’s the man really knows how to wive
If anyone questions, or makes lewd suggestions,
My Newtie will eat them alive

Oh, I wanna marry Newt Gingrich
Though they say that I’m out of my mind
I wanna marry Newt Gingrich
He’s a man—the republican kind

The voters think Newt is a hero
Or at least, they believe he’s not Mitt
He’s so strong and so forceful, his life is divorceful
No pushing, no shoving, cos Newt’s built for loving
With Newt in the middle, there’s no second fiddle
Cos Newt loves a marriage with all kinds of share-age
My Newt is a wonderful fit

Oh, I wanna marry Newt Gingrich—
He’s perfection in only one man
I wanna marry Newt Gingrich
With Callista’s permission, I can!

Newt is the gift that keeps on giving. The earlier version of this song (really, go check it out–it’s better than today’s) was prompted by Newt’s pontifications against same-sex marriage in California. Today’s of course, recognizes that Newt is a bigger fan of marriage than we previously had realized. But the important thing is not that he’s a serial philanderer who treats vows like used kleenex.

The important thing is, he’s not Mitt Romney.


  1. KG says

    Nice! But you’re not taking into account that since he became a Catholic, he’s realised that those earlier “marriages” were shams, like all those not solemnised by the right kind of god-botherer, whose magic spells can turn bread into living flesh and wine into blood – so really, he’s never been divorced at all, and Callista is the one-and-only!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *