Bibles for Trick-Or-Treat!

I’m giving out bibles this Halloween night—
The Gideons gave me a stack—
It’s more in the spirit, I think you’ll agree,
Than some sort of a sugary snack.

Cos Halloween night is supposed to be scary
And danger is part of the draw
“Be wicked! Be evil!” is age-old tradition,
Revered like it’s practically law.

Though candies or cookies or apples are things
You’re more likely to get from a stranger,
My green-covered bibles—though rarer by far—
May present a more serious danger!

With all of the junk the young goblins are gobblin’
You might think my claim is insane
But candy, you see, only rots out your teeth;
My bibles will rot out your brain

More evil, after the jump:

The Gideons must have some new designers working for them!

Old and Busted…

New Hotness…

Of course, I’m still finding them all over campus, where people who have been gifted them have decided to gift them to radiators, recycling bins, and hall tables. I always take them (I have quite a collection), to keep them out of the hands of impressionable young children, and because I have a drafty window with a hole in it almost perfectly suited for such bibles. Really, it’s perfectly created for it–kind of a biblethropic principle hole, showing the real purpose of those little green books.

The nice thing about giving out bibles for Halloween JesusWeen is that you only need maybe a half dozen or so; after that, the word has spread, and no one rings your doorbell any more, except perhaps to alert you that there is a paper bag on fire on your front porch.


  1. cag says

    Recently I overnighted in a motel. Perusing the gideon bible contained therein, I “accidentally” spilled some coffee. Of course, I never drink coffee. It must have been directed by an unseen hand!

    Is it true that the second “b” in bible is silent?

  2. says

    Damn, those are some ugly bibles.
    Why don’t they do some special ones for JesusWeen? Printed in black, except for orange letters where Jesus talks.
    And kids could read to each other from them while holding flashlights under their chins.

  3. Glodson says

    When I was a child, I was a good little Christians. And we had a word for people that gave us Bibles on Halloween. The word was asshole. Back then, we had the decency to keep the Bible were it belonged: gathering dust on a shelf until someone needed to prove a point in Scatagories.

  4. says

    Aw man, I wish I would stumble across someone handing those out. I would rip their little guts out… *realizes the shocked stares* the books, the books! I would love to try pulling the text block out and rebinding in blank sketchbook pages. Good overstock can be expensive. I can always gesso over the crap on the cover!

  5. abusedbypenguins says

    A couple of brightly colored condoms attached to said bible will make a longer lasting impression. In fact, if you live near a college, give out condoms to age appropriate visitors to your house on halloween. 19 and 20 year-olds would probably rather have a condom than a tiny candy bar and it’s better for them.

  6. Cor (formerly evil) says

    I make a point of stealing a bible from every hotel room I stay in. The idea of having a shelf filled with stolen bibles appeals to me somehow.

    On the subject of religious vandalism, my job takes me to a Catholic hospital pretty often, and I’ll frequently run across an item which looks like a crash cart (basically a rolling toolbox full of junk to restart your heart) but is labelled “Spiritual Supplies” and is full of bibles and candles and such. These are usually unlocked.

    You see my dilemma.

    I’ve left a Darwinfish in one, a vividly fake voodoo doll in another, and once scribbled “These beads are TOO SMALL. Couldn’t feel a thing!” on a Post-it and stuck it to a rosary.

    I worried that the chaplain might not get the rosary joke; then I remembered it’s a CATHOLIC hospital and felt better.

    I’ve left


  1. […] The Cuttlekids have long since outgrown trick-or-treating, and in our neighborhood, the kids in the know all head to a newer development about a mile away, where the streets are paved with chocolate, the neighbors compete to outdo one another’s scary decorations, and every house hands out full-sized candy bars. Last year I think maybe six kids came to Cuttlehouse. And I swear, I wasn’t handing out bibles! […]

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