The war against Christmas has taken a turn
With the hanging of one of the elves—
No need for a godless opponent, we learn,
The Christians can fight it themselves!
For some, any elf is the work of the Devil—
It’s Satan, not Santa, at play
He’s not making toys; he’s distributing evil
And needs to be hanged right away!
We’ve all hung our stockings, and mistletoe too,
But an elf is a new one on me!
But pastor Jon Knudsen knew just what to do,
So he hanged it, for children to see!
For Christmas is sacred, and solemn, and sad,
So we’re killing off Santa, forthwith!
And the lesson, this season, is “God will get mad,
So you’d better believe the right myth!”
I couldn’t have made up this story; it boggles the imagination. Santa and the elves are the Devil’s work. This we already knew, but what are ya gonna do? Pastor Knudsen did what the rest of us can only wish we had the courage to do; he hanged an elf.
Let me repeat that: He hanged an elf.
The war on Christmas is not fought from without; it is fought from within. What could possibly kill Christmas? Taking it seriously, that’s what could kill it.
Think of the children (won’t somebody, please?)–little Bjorn has a choice between a Santa Claus who brings him presents, or “the truth about christmas” for which a pastor hanged an elf. Game over, man. The believers have scored, but it’s an own goal.
The good news?
The executed elf was originally supposed to remain hanging from the church until Sunday, and the church had set up a night watch in order to prevent it from being stolen.
One offended resident took action Monday afternoon while no one was watching, however, and pulled down the elf. He left a message with the pastor that the elf was being “kept safe until after the New Year”.
Knudsen reported the theft to the police, and the culprit confessed. The police, however, refused to press charges, stating that their “caseload was too heavy to make investigating theft of a stuffed toy elf a priority”.
Cuttlecap tip to Noadi, via twitter.