The Onion has 4th of July safety tips.
- Most serious injuries happen on July 4th, so set off your explosives on the day before or the day after.
That’s the best tip; I’ll stick with that one.
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When I was a boy we lived in a town near the US/Canada border. On the 1st of July all the Americans would go north to see the fireworks. On the 4th all of the Canadians would go south to see the fireworks. In a couple of towns which straddled the border they set off fireworks on the 2nd or 3rd. If one did it right one could see fireworks four nights in a row.
Furthermore, a survey of all those injured has revealed that not one of them plays in a brass band. So if you want to be 100% safe and sure, join a brass band before setting off your crackers and skyrockets.
😉
Just learning, say, the tuba or sousaphone would probably not be enough.
They’ve been setting them off here for a week now. And no, it’s not legal.
Here in the south, we make a game out of it. The game is called, “Firework or Gunshot?” I assume the prize for guessing correctly the most is that you get to move out of the south.
Fireworks Protip: You are not Captain America.