Tighten it up

Hooray, great strides for women in India.

An Indian company has launched what it claims is the country’s first vagina tightening cream, saying it will make women feel “like a virgin” again. The company says it is about empowering women…

Empowering women? By making them feel “like a virgin”? Because virgin women are so powerful? What, like the Delphic oracle? Tight virginal vagina=telephone line to the gods?

This video is designed to market a vaginal “rejuvenation and tightening” product, which was launched this month in India.

The makers of 18 Again, the Mumbai-based pharmaceutical company Ultratech, say it is the first of its kind in India (similar creams are already available in other parts of the world such as the USA), and fills a gap in the market.

Ultratech’s owner, Rishi Bhatia, says the cream, which is selling for around $44 (£28), contains natural ingredients including gold dust, aloe vera, almond and pomegranate, and has been clinically tested.

“It’s a unique and revolutionary product which also works towards building inner confidence in a woman and boosting her self esteem,” says Mr Bhatia, adding that the goal of the product is to “empower women”.

Oh right! I get it now. Because of course any woman who has a disgusting sloppy baggy loose vagina has obviously lost any inner confidence she once had. It’s well known that there is a nerve that links the vagina to the inner confidence and that as the vagina sheds its discipline and becomes like a giant deflated balloon, all the air goes out of the inner confidence too. It’s tragic. How wonderful that there’s now a magical way to use gold dust to tighten up the horrible floppy thing.

Mr Bhatia says the product is not claiming to restore a woman’s virginity, but to restore the emotions of being a virgin.

“We are only saying, ‘feel like a virgin’ – it’s a metaphor. It tries to bring back that feeling when a person is 18.”

Or 16, or 14…or 9, as is not uncommon in India.

“This kind of cream is utter nonsense, and could give some women an inferiority complex,” argues Annie Raja from the National Federation of Indian Women, which fights for women’s rights in the country.

Ms Raja says that rather than empower women, the cream will do the opposite, by reaffirming a patriarchal view that is held by many here – the notion that men want all women to be virgins until their wedding night.

Well you know how it is – all those men tromping through there, they blow the thing out, so it gets to be like trying to fuck a blanket, and a very dirty used stained blanket at that.

Has anybody thought of inventing disposable vaginas? What about that for a solution? A new clean tight virginal one every morning, and high self-esteem all around. Win-win!



  1. Sunny says

    Wasn’t there another story about a vulva lightening cream on the market in India some time back? Seems like the female genital market in India is really booming.

    Considering that the Dollar-Rupee conversion rate is approximately 1:50, these products would cost a small fortune for most Indians.

  2. Doubting Thomas says

    I wonder if this would work on my loose neck skin. Getting rid of that would make me feel “like a virgin”. 😉

  3. says

    Ultratech’s owner, Rishi Bhatia, says the cream, which is selling for around $44 (£28), contains natural ingredients including gold dust, aloe vera, almond and pomegranate, and has been clinically tested.

    And I’ll bet those clinical trials found that the product is a load of horseshit. Overpriced, fact-free nonsense.

  4. Forbidden Snowflake says

    Well, this one is for the women-who-hate-their-bodies-have-too-much-spare-money-and-don’t-know-chemistry-for-shit market.
    Srsly, gold dust?

  5. Beatrice says

    Or 16, or 14…or 9, as is not uncommon in India.

    Women from the group targeted by the product probably marry later.
    At least I think that mostly poor women get married off very young, and those from higher casts marry a bit later. Going by the price, this is not for the poor.

    “Empowering women”. Right. *pukes*

  6. interrobang says

    You know, if you really want to be able to grip things with your lady bits, Kegel exercises are easy, free, don’t require any equipment other than what nature provided (although you can get assistive devices such as Betty Dodgson’s vaginal barbell), and can be done anywhere at any time. They also help prevent or cure that post-partum “drip when I sneeze” problem. Win-win.

  7. oolon says

    Felt like a hoax to me when I saw this on bbc news. Looking into it and Celina Jaitly is the face behind it – she is apparently a gay rights campaigner in India so sounds like no idiot. There is to be a discussion group on empowering women with her and a few other womens activists… Surely they are not serious?

  8. Josh, Official SpokesGay says

    Alert, Ophelia Oolon is a known pig banned at Greta Christina’s for calling her a cunt.

  9. oolon says

    Eek – I just saw it too 🙂

    I was sockpuppeted at TFs blog at about the same time… How did they do it here as well? Thunderf00t himself was sockpuppeted there so I was not surprised… But here! I thought each username needed to be unique?


    Any help in establishing the IP / email for the nasty oolon was different is appreciated. I’m laughing as I must have really pissed them off on TFs blog to get them to take this much time and effort to discredit me.

  10. oolon says

    Also Greta does not appear to have banned ‘me’… Maybe the other account was banned but mine remained…

  11. Josh, Official SpokesGay says

    Oh dear, Oolon. . . I’m sorry. What SHIT behavior. Gawd I hate these assholes.

  12. oolon says

    Don’t worry about it – I’ve obviously succeeded in annoying them on TFs blog… Not a very noble or difficult endeavour taking the piss out of the crazies there but it kept me entertained over a boring bank holiday here in the UK.

  13. Josh, Official SpokesGay says

    Disposable vaginas? That sounds like a job for the Bic Company. New Bic For Her Downstairs.

  14. stoferb says

    Yeah. How about an “Akin+”-vagina? Not only does it sense when the woman is being raped and produces anti-sperm nanobots so she doesn’t get pregnant. It also decapitates his penis!

  15. Brian says

    This reminds me or Borat for some reason….I think it’s when he ‘hilariously’ chats about his wife’s vagine being like a wizard’s sleeve….
    There was a joke when I was barely a teenager doing the rounds: Q. ‘What’s a woman? A. A life support system for cunt’. I know I would have laughed at it as a kid, makes me embarrassed to think of it now.
    Casual misogyny is everywhere.

  16. Illuminata, Genie in the Beer Bottle says

    although you can get assistive devices such as Betty Dodgson’s vaginal barbell

    the . . . . . what? . . . . .

    I’m terrified of googling this. Is this a real thing in the world?

  17. Forbidden Snowflake says

    I’m terrified of googling this. Is this a real thing in the world?

    Probably just some vagxercise equipment for women who want to be able to whistle a song with their vaginas.

  18. Happiestsadist, opener of the Crack of Doom says

    I’ve actually seen this stuff before, it’s kind of a staple at the less enlightened adult novelty emporiums.

  19. Anbheal says

    #27 Marcus — my thoughts exactly. Were I expected to use that product in order to satisfy the insecure expectations of my partner in the marital bed, I’d hand him a jar of bogus dick-enlarging cream: “you want a tight fit, honey, come back when you can fill the gap”.

  20. says

    There’s lots and lots of bad here, isn’t there?

    First we have the part about men for some reason wanting to fuck virgins. Oh, I suppose there *might* be some evolutionary psychology there, but isn’t it mostly about either performance insecurity or trying to prevent women getting ideas about actually enjoying sex?

    And then we have the idea that The Mighty Penis has ruined a woman for any other man. It’s worthless to other men now, for I have fucked it, somehow massively distended it and therefore I own it. And by ‘it’ I mean both the vagina and it’s (former) owner. You wouldn’t want my wife because my enormous penis has stretched her vagina so much that your much smaller one wouldn’t touch the sides. You, woman, will not be wanted by any other man for the same reason, so don’t go getting any ideas. And fortunately you don’t know any better because – thank goodness – you were a virgin.


  21. says

    To chime in with Alethea:
    Kegels and vaginal exercise are useful and legitimate things. They’re not about him (although there can be definite benefits), but about your own health.
    Your pelvic floor is a set of muscles that gives way with age and especially after childbirth, making women suffer from incontinence much more than men.
    So, get to know your body, learn the exercises.
    They’re free, no equipment needed and you can do them everywhere.

  22. says

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