I Miss Being Drunk — My Latest for Splice Today

No new Bi Any Means Podcast episode today, but I have this:

I’ve been sober for seven months now, but not in a row. The first lapse was in January, a month into recovery. I was still new to sobriety, so brushed it off and decided to try again. My second lapse in April almost cost me my life. Fed up with the world, I went into my parents’ liquor cabinet, opened up a brand new bottle of Jack, drank half of it, and then wrote, “I want to kill myself so bad right now” on Facebook. I don’t even remember writing it. The rest of the day was a blur: I recall getting a call from a friend to see if I was okay, me calling 911, getting interviewed by the paramedics when they arrived, and ending up in bed with my mom by my side. The next day I decided to take recovery more seriously, and tackle the underlying issues that fed into my addiction.

It’s almost four months since that incident, and I’ve made some progress. I got more serious about deconstructing the irrational beliefs that influenced my drinking using SMART Recovery, started attending a second weekly recovery group, and became more honest with my therapist. But I still miss being drunk. I miss feeling my muscles loosen up with that first sip, reality melting away, seeing the colors of the world blur like a Monet painting, and feeling more comfortably numb than Pink Floyd. There’s no need to slow down and rationalize things; I just fill up that 12 oz. tumbler with bourbon, and then it’s all aboard the Inebriation Express.

Read the rest here.


  1. Rob Grigjanis says

    Between the trapezes is not a good place, but better than underneath one, I guess. Wish I had words of wisdom to share, but I’m not sure there are any. Just hope that you somehow get whatever strength you need, from wherever you can find it.

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