The Hill I’m Willing to Die On–A Response to Current Controversy

This weekend was rough for all of us. Friday’s Trump inauguration ushered a new time of uncertainty and fear for our nation. Yes, Saturday’s Women’s March was a huge success, but in the aftermath the atheist community is in turmoil. Instead of working together to fight the new Trump regime, we’re fighting with each other. The lines have been drawn; you’re part of either the problem or the solution.

I tried to stay away from all of it, but after thinking about it, I can no longer stay silent. Today I’m announcing the hill upon which I am willing to die. I know I will lose a lot of friends with this, but I know what side I’m on:

Pineapple belongs on pizza.

Now I know this isn’t a very popular opinion among the Left nowadays, but let me explain where I’m coming from.

Back in high school I took my then-girlfriend to Ledo’s Pizza for Valentine’s Day. I wanted pepperoni, and she wanted pineapple and ham. I had never heard of such a thing. Of all the things to put on a pizza, why the hell would you pick pineapple? But since it was Valentine’s Day, I decided to give it a try, so we got a half pepperoni and half Hawaiian pizza. I took a bite of that Hawaiian pizza and thought, “HOLY SHIT, WHY DIDN’T ANYONE TELL ME ABOUT THIS BEFORE?” The sweetness of the pineapple was a perfect match for the saltiness of the ham the same way salt and caramel compliment each other. From that moment on, I was hooked.

Yet nowadays something that shouldn’t be so controversial as a Hawaiian pizza has now triggered an entire generation of Regressive Leftists. I see meme after meme on Facebook from whiny millenials who think anyone who like pineapple on pizza is a Nazi sympathizer. What has our country become? How did we end up with an entire generation of special snowflakes who feel entitled to not have their feelings hurt? Friends, we should be fighting real issues like Islamic terrorism and post-truth America, not legislating what people put on their pizza.

You want authoritarianism? ‘Cause that’s how you get authoritarianism!

This post is hard for me to write, but I can no longer stay silent while the Left implodes over pizza toppings. Call me a Pineapple Pizza Warrior all you want, but I don’t care. Grow up. liberals!


  1. Ogvorbis: A bear of very little brains. says

    Back in high school I took my then-girlfriend to Ledo’s Pizza for Valentine’s Day.

    Is that the place that invented the Ledo Shuffle ?

    I like pinapple on pizza (have you tried spam and pineapple with teriyaki sauce and cheddar cheese? Better than it sounds (which (I admit) isn’t saying much)), but Wife is allergic to pineapples (and walnuts).
    I find myself, while watching the Orange Dumpster Fire’s antics, looking more to minutiae (pineapple on pizza in atheism rather than endemic sexism in atheism) just because it is easier to grok. People who lie about inconsequential minutiae, though, cannot be trusted when it comes to anything major. If the Orange Dumpster Fire is willing to force his minions to lie about, say, the attendence at the inauguration, how can we trust him when it comes to Department of Labour unemployment or job creation numbers?

    Liking pineapple on a pizza does not, to me, have the same if/then connotation. One can not like pineapple on a pizza and yet still be on the side of social justice.

    Olive oil in the crust, though, is an absolute necessity.

  2. chigau (ever-elliptical) says

    I don’t like pineapple on in around beside underneath anything.
    Ogvorbis is correct about the olive oil.

  3. cartomancer says

    The pineapple evolved its hard skin, spiky leaves, horrible taste and chewy, vomit-inducing texture in order to prevent humans from accidentally eating it. Doing so is a violation of natural law and all accepted standards of decency. Sir Waldegrave Bellingham-Pizza, who invented the Pizza in 1731, would be turning in his grave to contemplate such base desecrations as you propose!

  4. chansonexmo says

    Wow, I thought I was following the atheist movement, and yet… reading your post, it’s not clear what dispute you’re talking about or even which side of the controversy you’re on. Pineapple pizza represents… what? Favoring the Women’s march? Opposing it? Something else entirely….?

    • says

      Here’s the story: Right now all my atheist friends are fighting over whether or not we should punch Nazis. It got to the point where Dan Arel and David Smalley had a public ugly falling out. Now even though my name wasn’t mentioned at all, I tend to absorb a lot of hostility and tension in the community to the point that it drains me emotionally and psychologically. So I just wrote a satire to help me deal with it. The pizza doesn’t really represent anything. It’s all tongue-in-cheek.

      And for the sake of clarity, I totally support the Women’s March (although I wasn’t able to attend) and punching Nazis.

  5. Johnny Vector says

    Chigau says:

    I once had a pizza with tuna and corn.
    That was in Japan.

    The tuna is fine. The corn (baby corn cobs, right?) I can even deal with. But when they drizzle an artistic topping of mayonnaise over it, that’s going too far. (It’s part of a bigger problem of course: Japan’s obsession with mayonnaise. They put it on everything. When picking out onigiri I just look for anything without ‘マヨ’ on the wrapper.)

    As for pineapple, it was my go-to pizza in high school. Hawaiian pizza and a few games of Asteroids at Godfather’s, that was the thing. Nowadays I’m agnostic about the whole controversy.

  6. quotetheunquote says

    Tinned tuna, corn kernels.
    No mayo.

    “The horror, the horror…”

    Re: Real pizza, back to that: yes, olive-oil crust is not an option. Ham okay, pineapple okay, other traditional toppings okay, but for a REAL treat, try carmelized onions, rosemary (just a few leaves). slow-roasted whole garlic cloves, and sun-dried tomatoes (no sauce). Ambrosia!

  7. Onamission5 says

    I’m from Oregon, where we eat a thing called “taco pizza” and if we’re feeling really adventurous will put ranch dressing on it, so this pineapple argument amuses. Of course pineapple goes on pizza!

    Other things that go on pizza: Dijon mustard, chicken, and broccoli. BBQ tofu.

    Things that do not go on pizza: potatoes? Maple syrup?

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