Interplanetary Twitter server explosion injures 30 at Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

An Interplanetary Twitter server hosted at Clow UFO Base exploded, injuring 12 Clow employees and 18 IT employees. Clow officials confirmed that no one died in the explosion, and expect the injured employees to make a full recovery.

Clow employee Heather X. Norman described the scene moments before the explosion: “I was walking down the corridor when the alarms started blaring. I heard the engineers yell, ‘Eject server!’ repeatedly. Their AI kept telling them it couldn’t accept any commands until Monday.”

Peter X said he saw IT engineers fleeing the server room: “I was worried when I saw them running out of the server room, because they were the hardcore employees who remained with the company. They were fortunate the doors could be manually opened from the inside. I’d hate to imagine what would have happened if they had been trapped.”

Bolingbrook Mayor (and Clow Administrator) Mary Alexander-Basta released a statement claiming the server was overloaded due to heavy traffic from the Interplanetary Hockey Championship game. Mary blamed Elon Musk for the accident that drove away the engineers who could have prevented the explosion. She stated: “I wonder if someone bet Musk $1 trillion that he couldn’t squander $44 Billion? Otherwise I hate to think that the people who keep SpaceX and Tesla in business are seriously underpaid.”

When reached for comment, a receptionist for Musk said he was in an important meeting and couldn’t be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Musk said: “You’re looking at this the wrong way. I need one-third of all Americans to subscribe to Twitter. One-third of all Americans support Donald Trump. That’s why I had to let him back on to Twitter. It’s nothing more than a long-term business decision. So, we’re still good, right?”

A man who sounded like Florida Governor Ron DeSantis replied: “Actually, I’m starting to get this itching feeling your Starship project is part of the Woke agenda.”

“Maybe if you—”

“Stop. Don’t ask what I can do for you. Ask what you can do for me.”

Also in the Babbler:

Sources: Village to request new bids for 900 Foot Roger Statue
Opinion: It was aliens who helped the Pilgrims
Mayor has ‘constructive meeting’ with Native American ghosts
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/25/22

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

My book series, The Bolingbrook Babbler Stories, is now available on Amazon and elsewhere. For book updates and a free ebook, sign up for my newsletter.

Since everyone else is having a Black Friday sale…(Non-Fiction)

Cover of The Rift

Since everyone else is having a Black Friday sale, I’m going to as well.

The eBook version of my novel, The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story, is on sale this week go $1.99. At the intersection of feminism, New Atheism, and the paranormal is a Sci-Fi/Urban Fantasy tale. Skeptic blogger Tom Larsen’s quest to infiltrate the Humanist Heart Conference leads him to discover the unbelievable truth about Bolingbrook, Illinois and organized skepticism. He used to debunk aliens and secret organizations , but now they’ve taken an interest in him. With a weredeer army gathering near Bolingbrook, Tom  will have to make decisions that will not only affect organized skepticism, but the future of humanity as well. Currently has a 4.8 star rating on Amazon. It’s the X-Files meets Fargo in a novel that takes the conventions of self-publishing and nukes them from orbit

Now is a great time to get The Rift. (I might be slightly biased.)

While it’s the second book in my series, you don’t need to read book one to enjoy.

Also available in paperback and as an AI audiobook book on Google Play.

We Get Letters — Democracy is on the ballot. Again (Fiction)

The Bolingbrook Babbler's Decision 2022 Special Report

Will 2022 be Bolingbrook’s last free election?

By Doug Fields

Reader’s Editor

Somehow, we are once again facing the most important election of our lives. Do we value low gas prices more than our democratic republic? Based on our letters, it’s going to be a close race.

First, let me point out that we received too many letters like this:

To the editor:

Inflation is out of control. Every night, Fox News shows our cities on fire. People who aren’t like me exist! Our country is moving in the wrong direction!

Meanwhile (Democrat Party candidate), supports the Green New Deal, defunding the police, high prices, and persecuting President Trump!

I’m voting for (Republican Party candidate) because the only way we’re going to beat inflation is to investigate Hunter Biden, impeach President Biden, build Trump’s Wall, and make fake Americans suffer!

(Insert Name here)
(Insert City)

And like this:

To the editor:

I hate President Biden, but I love (Democratic candidate). (Pronoun) brought jobs to our district and (Pronoun) will support your right to choose. (Pronoun) voted to fund our police departments. (Pronoun) believes elections count! (Pronoun) supports Israel!

Did I mention (Democratic candidate) voted to fund the police and is 100% pro-choice?

Vote for (Democratic candidate) if you worked hard for your Social Security and Medicare benefits!

(Insert name here)
(Insert City)

You’re not an average Patch reader. You’re a Babbler reader. Show it in your letters! Like this reader did:

To the editor:

State Representative Chris Bos says he’s tough on crime, but he supports criminals buying their way out of jail! Did it not occur to him that international drug cartels, gangs, human trafficking rings, and rich parents can afford to buy their freedom? Maybe they’re Bos’ Bosses?

That’s why I’m supporting Palatine native Nabeela Syed. She has the courage to stand up to the rich criminals of Cook County. She also believes in sensible law enforcement. Supporting the right to choose means our overworked police departments won’t be burdened with investigating miscarriages or questioning residents about their period tracker reports.

Bos’ whining won’t solve our problems. We need someone who will make non-alcoholic wine! Vote Syed!

Stephanie Zimmerman
Palatine, IL

Illinois Democratic Party, hire her to handle your messaging!

We think somebody sent this letter out a bit early.

To the Editor:

Thanks to the Cook County Democrats, Will County Clark Lauren Staley Ferry has stolen Antonio Timothee’s seat on the Will County Board! We need to find the ___ she stole before it’s too late!

Timothee and I are going to visit every home and ask who they voted for. We’ll be armed and willing to shoot any Antifa terrorist who tries to stop us. 

Your publication needs to stop posting fake news, and start reporting the real news about the steal! If you don’t, we’ll hold a legitimate protest in your newsroom!

Joe Z. Newman
Bolingbrook, IL

We wonder what will happen if he wins this allegedly rigged election.

Finally, let’s end with an upbeat letter.

To the Editor:

I’m tired of all the mean people running for office. That’s why I’m voting for Elnalyn Costa for Will County Board. She’s nice! It’s nice to see that I can vote for her. So be nice and vote for Costa!

Ellen X. Coats

Bolingbrook, IL

All we can add is to vote on Tuesday like it will be the last time your vote will count!

Also in the Babbler:

Off-world ballots are secure and safe says Interstellar Commonwealth
Russian wind attack falters
Only space aliens with US Citizenship allowed to vote
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/9/22

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

My book series, The Bolingbrook Babbler Stories, is now available on Amazon and elsewhere. For book updates and a free ebook, sign up for my newsletter.