Interstellar Court refuses to suspend voting in Illinois (Fiction)

File photo of Judge Kilos Surgon.

The Clow UFO Base Court of Extraterrestrial Affairs in the 109,298,291 Circuit, based in Bolingbrook, IL, refused to suspend the 2022 Illinois elections.

“None of Earth’s treaties with the Interstellar Commonwealth grant me the power to suspend any election on Earth,” said Judge Kilos Surgon. “Even if I had that power, I still would not do it.”

The plaintiffs, the Clow UFO Base Republicans, argued the suspension was necessary to prevent Republican candidates from suffering “severe emotional trauma.”

“Theft is a terrible crime,” said Shelia Z. Parker to the judge. “To have an election stolen from you is the worst kind of theft. Please, your honor, save my clients from the trauma of election theft.”

Karen X. O’Malley, representing the state of Illinois, blasted election fraud claims. “Illinois elections are free and fair, thanks to the hard work of Secretary of State Jessie White.  This lawsuit serves no purpose except to protect the GOP’s candidates’ egos by robbing the public of their right to vote.”

Mayor Keith Pekau, running against Representative Sean Casten in IL 6, testified that he’s already been traumatized by the campaign: “Since the general election started, I’ve had terrible nightmares. Just last night, I dreamt that Sean was pelting me with facts about global warming. Then when it was my turn, my clothes disappeared! Everyone was laughing at me, and no one paid attention to my alternative facts. Please save me from Sean!”

O’Malley asked Pekau if he believed any Democrat has legitimately won an election. 

“Impossible,” said Pekau. When reminded that he was under oath, he added. “Yes, some candidates might have more votes. But that doesn’t mean they won!”

Catalina Lauf, who is running against Rep. Bill Foster, stunned observers when she accused Foster of bringing in alien cat voters to vote for him. “Foster’s aliens have invaded our schools and use kitty litter instead of toilets! I’ve never met a human who supports Bill. Therefore, all of his supporters are aliens!”

When asked which schools provide kitty litter for students, she replied, “Stop stealing my freedom of speech with your oppressive facts! Freedom!”

Illinois House Representative Chris Bos testified he was entitled to his position. “There’s no way a young woman can beat me.” Bos then flexed his arm muscles. “Republicans are strong. Strong people win elections. It would be a crime if I lost this election. So, please, your honor, prevent this crime against Republicans before it’s too late!”

Governor JB Pritzker denied cheating in the 2018 election. “I bought that one fair and square. Just like I bought my opponent, Darren Bailey, for this election.” 

O’Malley celebrated the ruling: “This is a great day for Illinois. Americans have paid for our democracy with their blood. We shouldn’t throw it away over the price of gasoline.”

Parker said she was disappointed, but vowed to fight on: “I’m confident that either Justice Clarence Thomas will throw out the Democrats’ fake votes, or the Republican majority in Congress will refuse to seat any Democrats. Tomorrow belongs to me. I mean us!”

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook rejects hiring bathroom genital inspectors
Psychic: Supreme Court to rule democracy is unconstitutional
Trump supporters abducted after shooting of a UFO
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/3/22

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

My book series, The Bolingbrook Babbler Stories, is now available on Amazon and elsewhere. For book updates and a free ebook, sign up for my newsletter.

All hands, abandon Twitter! (Plus a quick personal update) (Non-Fiction)

Elon Musk

Bored billionaire Elon Musk (“Elon Musk” by dmoberhaus is licensed under CC BY 2.0.)

I didn’t expect Elon to buy Twitter, but he did. PZ posts about how we’re getting a taste of its future. Will it become a flaming troll pit or a safe place for advertisers to flood Twitter streams with ads? I don’t want to find out. So I’ve deleted both of my Twitter accounts. I can always create a new account if the worst doesn’t happen.

So far, the only downside is that I wasn’t able to register for any prizes at this year’s SelfPubCon Maybe next year they’ll come up with a new system. I suspect I’ll be seeing how Twitter is woven into so many parts of the Internet over the next few weeks.

In other news, my wife has been very busy, and she didn’t have a chance to edit my recent Babbler article. I’m hoping to have it up by Monday, and I might throw in some bonus content to make up for it. It also means her practice is growing.

I’m also working on the follow-up to Pathways to Bolingbrook. The working title is Intersections, but I don’t think it will be the final title. Hopefully, I can get it out in November. It will feature the main characters from Pathways in the same story.

I’m not sure if I’ll be able to start the follow-up to The Rift next month, but I’ll give it a shot. It would be nice to have the first drift completed in months, instead of years. As for the story? It won’t be the skeptical movement striking back. Instead, Tom will risk his career and his life to uncover a dark secret from Bolingbrook’s past.

Until next time.


TikTok reading of The Rift by Teri Schnaubelt on 10/17/22 at 8 PM CST

Actress and audiobook narrator Teri Schnaubelt will read an excerpt from my novel, The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story, and excerpts from other self-published authors. It will be live-streamed on her TikTok starting on Monday at 8 PM CST.

@terischnaubelt Never before heard in audio! Live Oct 17 8pm central. Scenes from books by indie authors! Different genres. #booktok #audiobooktok #audiobooknarrator #audiobooks #live #listenlive #bookish #books #indieauthorsoftiktok #terischnaubelt @William Brinkman_Author @Lisa Amowitz YA fantasy author @Ruby Duvall 〜 Romance Author @emilycolinbooks @Vicky Walklate – Author @Melinda_Valentine @Kenzie Macallan📚 Author ♬ Don’t Know Why – Norah Jones

I’m looking forward to it. Right now, I don’t have plans to release an audiobook version of The Rift with a human narrator. I have an auto-narrated version on Google Play, but that’s just so people with visual impairment can hear it. AI narration isn’t ready for fictional works. When I have the budget, I will replace it with a version narrated by a person. While I have some of the equipment to record an audiobook, I don’t think I could pull off the character’s voices for 6+ hours.

Fortunately, I have an audiobook version of Pathways to Bolingbrook narrated by Rachanee Lumayno. Her performance outshines any of the current AI voices. I hope you’ll check out the audiobook, which is available on Amazon, Kobo, and other sites.

DuPage Township ‘repossesses’ air generator from Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

A team of contractors hired by DuPage Township secretly removed an air generator from Clow UFO Base, thus escalating tensions between the township and the Village of Bolingbrook.

Township Supervisor Gary Marschke praised the actions of the “repossession team,” during a conference call with interstellar media outlets. Marschke claims that a previous township board bought the generator from the Village of Bolingbrook without soliciting bids. He added the Township has been paying to power and maintain the generator for years.

“The Village of Bolingbrook enjoyed free, fresh air in their pavilion at our expense! I guess the previous board was too busy suing each other to notice.”

According to Marschke, the Township sent a moving crew to remove the generator, but Clow security chased them away. Marschke said he had no choice to but hire a repossession crew to remove it.

Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta later read a short statement to the media disputing Marschke’s allegations:

“That generator was a gift from the Township to the Village. That means we use it and they pay for it. Make no mistake: Stealing our air generator is the second outrageous act by the township this year. The first was when (Township Administrator) Jackie Traynere took a vacation!”

Clow employees, who wished to remain anonymous, stated they believe a team of acrobats, actors, hackers, and street racers stole the generator from the Claar Cultural Pavilion. They also confirmed that the team didn’t use any explosives or weapons during the repossession/heist.

“They were really good,” said an anonymous security official. “I kept my eyes on the screens and they still snuck it out of Clow. Well, maybe I did take my eyes off the screen when an attractive person asked me what time it was. Who asks for the time when you can just look at your phone?”

The anonymous employees also confirmed they attempted to install an older generator in the Pavilion, but it exploded once it was turned on. The blast harmed no one.

Marschke said the Township sold the generator to the Venusian government for a profit, and intended to use the credits to fund programs to help alien youths and seniors.

“Maybe the mayor can ask (Mayor Emeritus Roger Claar) to use his interstellar campaign fund to buy a new generator.”

Claar’s personal assistant said he was negotiating with a printer to publish his self-help book Quit While You’re Ahead, and Don’t be Quiet About It.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar yelled: “I know you’re locked inside this building. I’ve been calling and emailing you guys for two months! No one answers me. That’s unacceptable. Don’t you know who I am? I’m the Mayor Emeritus of Bolingbrook!”

Someone replied, “And we’re IngramSpark and we don’t care!”

Also in the Babbler:

Clow to allow aliens to visit Bolingbrook during Halloween
Awake Illinois to print ‘corrected edition’ of the Bible
‘America’s Next Celebrity Atheist’ to film in Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/6/22

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

My book series, The Bolingbrook Babbler Stories, is now available on Amazon and elsewhere. For book updates and a free ebook, sign up for my newsletter.