Female Illuminati members stage walk-out following overturning of Roe v. Wade (Fiction)

Friday, several female members of the Illuminati walked out of the Bolingbrook Golf Club to protest the Supreme Court’s decision abolishing the right to abortion. The walkout occurred during a ritual performed by anti-abortion male members.

“You can’t have global chaos without freedom of choice,” said one member who asked not to be identified. “If we give government the power to control our bodies, we might as well surrender to the New World Order.”

Laura, the Illuminati Chaplin of North America, said: “This is a major step backwards in the fight for true freedom. If our wombs are not fee, then we are not free.”

Sapphire, an Illuminati Knight of Chaos, added: “Forced pregnancies only help the New World Order by controlling our bodies. We are not fighting the NWO just to create our own order! Chaos means freedom. All who oppose the right to abortion should be purged from the Illuminati.”

The dispute started shortly after Master Councilor George announced the supreme court’s decision. He claimed the Illuminati influenced the court and told the gathering to join him in celebrating the chaos that will be created by the birth of “millions of unwanted babies!”

This prompted Illuminati member Rep. Marie Newman to stand up and yell: “This is not how you create chaos. This is how you create (expletive deleted). I can’t stand the smell of (expletive). Let’s step outside and choose to breathe fresh air!”

Fellow Illuminati member Jeanne Ives also stood up. She said: “I could lie about this, but I won’t. This is the wrong time to repeal Roe. We still have an election to seize. Everyone knows that you campaign on repealing Roe, not on actually doing it. We were doing great at restricting abortion access until you made the Supreme Court ruin everything. Now abortion will be an issue in every single election—Even the township elections. Not to mention that the New World Order will have a chance to ratify the Equal Rights Amendment. Then what? The Supreme Court declares the Constitution unconstitutional? I’m sorry, but for once I’m going to stand with my sisters and join them outside.”

Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta did not join the walkout, nor did she participate in the Rite of a Thousand Cries. Alexander-Basta ordered the Village Trustees not to participate either.

“Not one word from any of you,” Basta said. “I’ve spent too much time building an apolitical reputation with everyone but Bonnie. I won’t have it ruined by the Supreme Court. For now, the ‘A’ word is not in our vocabulary!”

After performing the rite, George said female Illuminati members were overreacting. He arose and stated: “Every child bearing member will still be able to get an abortion, paid for by the order. That makes them special. Don’t you want to be special?” George added that the Supreme Court’s decision will help spark a second civil war in the United States. “State governments won’t be enforcing abortion bans because they’ll be caught in the crossfire between militias. That’s why we made the Court expand the Second Amendment. Come on, you didn’t really believe I was ‘pro-life,’ did ya?”

A receptionist for Alexander-Basta said she was busy dealing with the aftermath of the WeatherTech shooting and could not be disturbed. 

In the background, a man who sounded like Trustee Sheldon Watts, said: “You know, Charlene, all the anger and tragedy this week has helped me to put things in prospective.”

A woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer replied: “Me too. That’s why I’m getting my tubes tied, securing an Icelandic passport, and doubling my efforts to troll the DuPage Township into oblivion. I don’t know how much time I’ll have before the Court declares women’s rights unconstitutional.”

Also in the Babbler:

Editorial: The bell tolls for Bolingbrook
Weredeer unfortunately celebrate repeal of Roe
Abortion is still legal at Clow UFO Base
God to spare Bolingbrook this week

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

My novel, The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story, is available for preorder. For book updates and a free ebook, sign up for my newsletter.

Excerpt from The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story

The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story releases on July 13, 2022.

Here’s a short excerpt from The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story:

“Let’s talk about the stable boy and the rock,” said Michelle, sitting down with Tom on the couch. “As I recall, there was a little boy who was brought to a dragon’s lair.”

“Dogma the dragon.” Tom pointed to the dragon in the picture, who sat atop a pile of rulebooks.

Michelle nodded. “He looks scary. Good job.” Tom smiled. “Now, the boy was scared, but he was also thirsty. So he asked the dragon for a cup of water. Dogma said no, and told the boy if he was thirsty, he could squeeze water out of a rock. So the boy squeezed and squeezed, but no water came out. Dogma told the boy that if he believed, it would. So the boy squeezed and squeezed and believed and believed. Still, no water came out.”

“Until the knight of truth appeared and chased Dogma away.”

Michelle nodded, picking up another of Tom’s drawings, which showed a knight holding a glowing sword. “You drew that very well.”

“Thanks,” Tom replied.

“So the knight told the boy there was no water in the rock, and the boy rued his foolishness.”

“I don’t want to be foolish.”

Jason sat down with them. “Neither did the boy. He vowed to slay all the dragons of deception and asked the knight of truth to teach him how to vanquish them. The knight took him under his wing. The boy studied and trained for a long time, till one day he became a knight of truth himself, and he was never fooled again.”

Michelle frowned. “That’s your dad’s version.”

“It’s the best version. Don’t you agree, Tom?” Tom nodded vigorously. “Good. Because a very special movie just arrived.” Jason picked up what looked like a CD. Tom’s jaw dropped as he remembered the giant LaserDiscs his grandparents still owned. “It’s about a wise old man who fights dogma,” Jason continued.

“With a sword?”

“With magic.”

Jason stood up and inserted the disc into the DVD player, then joined Michelle and Tom back on the couch. He placed an arm around Tom’s shoulders and pressed play. On-screen, a magician with thick, professionally styled hair and a neatly trimmed snowy white beard appeared behind a desk.

“You know what the best part is?”

Tom shook his head.

“He’s real.”

You can preorder the eBook for $.99 at Amazon and other retailers. Otherwise, the release date is July 13, 2022.

Clow UFO Base bans ‘Sea Shanty Melody’ while Sherman UFO Base creates ‘Shanty Zones’ (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base officially banned performances of the “Sea Shanty Melody” while Palatine’s Rob Sherman UFO Base created “SSM” zones to accommodate the dancing performers.

Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta released a statement that read: “It’s been over a year since the Sea Shanty Meme started. During that time, security has had to break up numerous fights over that song.  Some of our visitors are treating it like a religion, rather than a silly melody. Enough! I don’t care if the ship is called Billy OT or Billy O’Tea.  I don’t care if you do one kick or two. I don’t care if you think the Santiana is really a hovercraft flying over Mexico. I don’t care! We just want peace and quiet on our base. We can’t stand hearing the song daily!”

Clow officials later clarified that Clow’s bars would continue to serve Wellermans, a mixed drink of rum, tea, and sugar.

After the announcement of Clow’s ban, Palatine Village Manager Reid Ottesen announced to the interstellar news media that Sherman will designate areas where aliens could perform and record their performances.

“Some could argue this is a cynical attempt to draw traffic away from Clow,” said Ottesen. “That couldn’t be further from the truth. I think that if Palatine can allow video gambling, we can allow performances of this sea song. Who knows? Maybe we can find a way to combine them?”

Some aliens at Clow tried to protest the ban by performing to the melody but were quickly arrested. A lawyer for the protesters insisted the ban violated the Treaty of the Bermuda Triangle and vowed to have it overturned.

The lawyer also told alien reporters: “I will say that my clients appreciate being asked nicely by security to surrender before perfunctorily being sprayed with riot foam. The previous administrator of Clow would have sprayed them without any warning.”

Zeego, a resident of the Galactic Core Worlds, said she will be visiting Sherman because they are accommodating sea shanty dancers. 

“Weathermen on Earth have such a difficult job. I hope my dance lifts their spirits.”

Pozogot, who did not disclose his planet, supports Clow’s ban. “My best Earthling friend was a whale, and she was murdered in your 19th Century by those whalers. She could have been the Whale Bob Dylan, but she was murdered and turned into lamp oil!”

When reached for comment, Ottesen replied: “Your questions about UFOs make me laugh. After managing Palatine through riots and a pandemic, I could always use a laugh.”

A receptionist for Alexander-Basta said she was unavailable.

“We kind of have a situation here. Steve Bannon is in the lobby and we can’t get him to leave.”

In the background, a person who sounded like Bannon said, “Marie, when I said, “Flood the zone with (expletive deleted),” I didn’t mean that literally!”

Also in the Babbler:

Mayor Alexander-Basta to declare a ‘crypto holiday’ in Bolingbrook
First off-world alien votes arrive in Cook and Will counties
Aliens offer condolences to Rep. Casten following the death of his eldest daughter
God will not smite Bolingbrook this week

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

My novel, The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story, is available for preorder. For book updates and a free ebook, sign up for my newsletter.

The Rift gets a five star review! (Non-Fiction)

What if everything you believed was wrong?

While it doesn’t make up for losing Callie, my novel, The Rift, received a five-star review from The Wishing Shelf, calling it, “A richly written novel filled with memorable characters. Highly recommended!”

In many ways, it’s very hard to put a label on this book. Yes, it has fantasy elements. But it also looks at feminism, activists, and even fundamentalism. And, on top of all that, it’s often rather funny too! The author, Mr. Brinkman, is a talented fellow who knows how to tell a story, develop his characters in interesting ways, and generally keep everything moving – with plenty of twists to keep the reader off kilter. So, although it’s very hard to classify this novel, it is thoroughly enjoyable and very, VERY hard to put down.

So, what’s the plot? Well, in a nutshell, the protagonist, Tom, is a strong supporter of the skeptical movement. When there’s a modern feminist conference, he plans to infiltrate it and confront a podcaster who accused him of making her feel ́uncomfortable ́. And it ́s at this conference that the fun begins!!!

Reading this novel, I was reminded of a saying my dad told me when I was much younger. “People,” he told me, “always hear what they want to hear.” In many ways, this is what this book is about. How people today tend to focus on the words and not the intent behind the words. I don’t know if the author is an anti-feminist, but I do know his novel – in terms of the way men and women interact – is rather thought-provoking.

So, if you are looking for a commentary on human nature, plus you enjoy a good laugh, PLUS, on top of all that, you fancy a story filled with a few weredeer and time rifts, this book is for you. I saw in the blurb, it says, ́If you like the X-Files and Stranger Things and the dry humour of Fargo, you will love The Rift. ́ I think I can go along with that.

To clarify, I’m not perfect, but I do consider myself a feminist, and I am willing and still learning. The main character, Tom, has to reconsider his anti-feminist views, including facing the real reasons why he feels the ways he does.

Still, I will take a five-star review, and read and listen to what other reviewers will have to say about it.

Goodbye, Callie the Calico (Non-Fiction)

Yesterday, my spouse and I had to euthanize our sweet cat, Callie. She was very sick when we took her to the emergency vet clinic. What I thought might have been an infection turned out to be much worse, and we decided to end her suffering. We were not prepared for yesterday to be her last day, but we couldn’t justify prolonging her pain. I am glad we got to say goodbye to her.

Callie always tried to help me out.

Callie lived to be about 16 years old. My wife adopted her when she was a few months old. When I moved in, she wasn’t happy I brought my cat River into her apartment. They eventually learned to tolerate each other. When River died, Callie and I bonded. When started working from home, she’d sit in the cat tower by my desk. Sometimes she’d put her paw on my arm when she wanted attention. Other times she’d get up to rub against my screens, then walk on my keyboard.

In many ways, she was one of the lucky ones. To paraphrase Greta Christina, the moments we had together still exist in the past, and while I can’t go back to them, that thought does give me comfort.

Now we are just have Augustine, a very friendly tabby, and we still have time to be with him, and make new memories.

But what kind of government? (Non-Fiction)

This Saturday at 4 PM CST, the Freethought Blogs Podish-Sortacast will be covering the topic of justice and governments. Where should we strike the balance between personal freedom and collective responsibility? Is there such a thing as a great state? Find out this Saturday, and I’ll see if I can join the panel.


Democratic State Representative candidates Laliberte-Barnes and Syed clash at Palatine’s UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Democratic State Representative candidates for District 51, Chelsea Laliberte-Barnes and Nabeela Syed, debated covert and public issues during their debate at Palatine’s Rob Sherman UFO Base. The debate, sponsored by Sherman’s unions and broadcast live throughout the solar system, showed a clear contrast between the two candidates.

Syed’s opening remarks, which mentioned working with Emily’s List and other progressive groups, ended with her singing “Gloop, Gloop, Gloop,” and doing a short dance.

“What was that?” asked Barnes.

“It’s the hottest trend on interplanetary TikTok,” Syed replied. “Some residents working on Triton said they’d vote me if I did it during the debate. I love connecting with the residents of the 51st, even if they are working off-world. You’d know this if you spent more time canvassing instead of fundraising.”

Barnes replied, “Well if a certain candidate hadn’t raised close to $200,000, and wasn’t constrained by a family, I wouldn’t have to hold fundraisers.”

“Well, because of my community and political work, so many individuals were willing to donate to my campaign. They don’t want someone who will work with racist Republicans. They want someone who will work for the residents of this district.”

Later, Barnes, a social worker, highlighted her efforts to fight drug addiction and provide mental health support.

“These causes mean so much to me. That is why I’m willing to reach a consensus with the fascist anti-women Republican party if it will help the residents of our district. Of course, if our visitors decided to share their advanced medical knowledge, I wouldn’t have to make deals with the elephant worshiping death cult.”

Syed responded by claiming to be uniquely qualified to deal with the Interstellar Commonwealth: “I have been practicing interfaith dialogue for years, and interstellar dialogue isn’t that different. Some of the Commonwealth’s leaders question if intelligent life exists in our district. I can point to Fremd High School and Harper College,  and confidently say there is intelligent life in our district.” Syed then said: “And this is for my new friends who work on Pluto.” She held up a sign that read, “Dwarf planets are planets,” and then did a short dance. “More  votes for me.”

Barnes said she could “play the meme game too,” and sang part of “Baby Shark.”

“Now how many votes did I win?”

“I think you lost some.”

After the debate, supporters of both candidates presented their spins for the interplanetary press.

“Nabeela Syed nailed it,” said Representative Raja Krishnamoorthi. “Future leaders like her are inspiring my campaign for Senate.”

“House,” said his wife, Priya Krishnamoorthi.”

“House. Sorry. I’m getting ahead of myself.”

Senator Dick Durbin said: “Chelsea will kick this state’s addiction to politics as usual.  Wait a minute, I think I have the wrong sheet.”

Lisa Z. Parker, spokesperson for Sherman UFO Base’s unions, said she was pleased with the debate, but there were no plans for an endorsement:

“Both are good candidates and would support Sherman UFO Base. We’ll let our members decide which candidate is right for them.” She then added:. “If Rob Sherman were alive today, I’m sure he would have filed a frivolous lawsuit to restrict Nabeela from entering the base because she wears a headscarf. I’m happy to say that we’ve come a long way, baby.”

Also in the Babbler:

Alien arrested for displaying blaster at Lions Carnival
Elon Musk to visit Clow UFO Base
Mayor Mary diverts covert funds to lower garbage fee
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/4/22

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

My novel, The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story, is available for preorder. For book updates and a free ebook, sign up for my newsletter.

CFI should have titled it: We are the only identity that matters (Non-fiction)

Robyn E. Blumner, the CEO of the Center for Inquiry, is writing clickbait–I mean  is now worried about “Identitarianism.”

Just at a time when it is essential for all of us to come together to work arm-in-arm against Christian Nationalism and the rise of religious privilege in law, humanism is facing a schism within its own movement. It is heartbreaking to watch and even more disheartening to know that the continued breach seems destined to grow.

It’s nice of her to finally notice the “deep rifts” within organized atheism that became a public issue with Richard Dawkin’s 2011 “Dear Muslima” comment. The same Richard Dawkins that worked to get Rebecca Watson blacklisted from atheist conventions by saying he wouldn’t speak at the same convention she was speaking at. She’s also the CEO of the same organization that forced Paul Fidalgo to stop blogging at Freethought Blogs. And I could go on.

Instead of using her position to try and heal the rift, she writes an editorial skipping the “both sides are wrong” argument and pretty much advocates silencing pro-social justice humanists in the name of free speech. Most of the editorial consists of attacking strawmen. One of the two examples she uses is The American Humanist Association’s 2021 decision to revoke Richard Dawkin’s 1996 Humanist of the Year Award.

The man who has done more than anyone alive to advance evolutionary biology and the public’s understanding of that science, who has brought the light of atheism to millions of people, and whose vociferous opposition to Donald Trump and Brexit certainly must have burnished his liberal cred became radioactive because of one tweet on transgender issues that the AHA didn’t like.

Transgender issues might be trivial to Robyn and Richard, but they’re a matter of life and death for others. Still, the statement from AHA clearly stated that there were other issues besides the tweet that led them to revoke the honor:

Regrettably, Richard Dawkins has over the past several years accumulated a history of making statements that use the guise of scientific discourse to demean marginalized groups, an approach antithetical to humanist values. His latest statement implies that the identities of transgender individuals are fraudulent, while also simultaneously attacking Black identity as one that can be assumed when convenient. His subsequent attempts at clarification are inadequate and convey neither sensitivity nor sincerity.

I used to be a member of CFI, but I left when I realized they were heading in the wrong direction. Robyn’s editorial only affirms my decision. Especially when she invokes the civil rights movement. Honestly, if this incarnation of CFI was around during the civil rights era, I imagine they would have sided with the secular segregationists and called the movement a religious plot to destroy freedom of association.

Note: All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

My novel, The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story, is available for preorder. For book updates and a free ebook, sign up for my newsletter